Here we are folks, night 2 and hours 4 and 5 of the Most Shocking Finale of the Most Dramatic Season in Bachelor History. And for all my snide remarks about dragging this out, I was captivated the entire time, so give credit where it’s due: good job, Bachelor. This was a strong finish to the season.

So, without further ado, here’s my bullet-point style rundown of ATFR. Enjoy…

– Opening montage and Arie says, “I kinda feel like a monster.” LOL, ‘kinda’? Don’t go overboard with the empathy, Arie.

– “All that and more on After the Final Rose! But first, let’s take another look at the Most Controversial Finale in Bachelor History.” Which we literally watched last night. Does this really need to be 2 hours?

– Arie: “Becca, I choose you every day.” For the next 6 weeks.

– Arie: “And this makes feel terrible because I’ve been in her shoes.” Not to get technical, but Emily never proposed to you, and you didn’t spend 6 weeks thinking you were engaged, so this is a little bit different.

– Middle seat, coach. Brutal. Did they just keep a GoPro in her face the entire flight? And why does she not have a drink in her hand? If that was me right after getting dumped like that, I’d have a line of flight attendants bringing cocktails the entire time. I’d give The Producers so much footage, they’d have to add a third night. “Join us tomorrow for the unprecedented Night 3 of the Most Dramatic Finale Ever, when Edward drops 10 bourbons and runs pants-less through coach on the flight home!”

Guy #1: So, who ends up with Aire?

Becca: I’m not allowed to talk about it.

Guy #2: Come on, give us a hint!

Becca: I’M TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY BREAKUP MIX!!

– Arie: “No one really understands. Not my family, not my friends. No one can relate to what I’m going through.” No one, Arie?

– Lol, people yelled at Jason Mesnick in the street, and that was 9 years ago. How much more insane is the general population now? Arie needs a professional security detail, asap. Not to mention, if you’re verbally assaulting someone from a reality tv show, you need new hobbies. Says the guy writing a blog right now…

– Now that production’s over, Arie had to trade that sweet Mercedes AMG in for a Jeep. Welcome back to the real world, baby!

– Arie: “My biggest fear is that I risked it all for nothing.” Yeah, that sounds tough, Arie. Just for sake of comparison, though, what do you think Lauren and Becca’s biggest fears were?

– “Why am I having a panic attack?” Maybe because Lauren’s dad is armed?

– No joke, Becca is broken up over this. Reading diaries, looking at old videos, crying over the framed copy of her coach boarding pass. This is brutal.

– Arie is completely freaking out in front of Lauren’s house. Look at that racecar driver, with his nerves of steel.

– There’s no way Lauren is happy to see him, right?

Then again….

– Lauren was really heartbroken and felt alone because she couldn’t talk about it with anyone. Wow, I hadn’t thought about that before. It’s one thing if you get the ring and can’t tell anyone, but to be bound by an NDA when you got dumped, and everyone and anyone keeps asking you about the show? That sucks.

– Lovely Better Half would tell everybody. Her girlfriends, her coworkers, random people on the plane, everyone. She’d be on the hook for the disclosure penalty by the time her flight landed.

– Arie: “With Becca, I felt like I was making the safe decision.” Dude, you know you’re on camera, right? Use some tact.

– “Are you over Becca?” “Yes, 1000%”, with a smile on his face. Alright, I guess tact is out the window, then.

– And Lauren takes him back. Whatever; maybe it’s true love and meant to be.

– Arie, your firing squad is here.

After tonight, that boy’s gonna walk funny for a month…

– Bekah thinks Arie’s manipulative, and I don’t know that I agree. Being manipulative requires a certain level of maliciousness. I think he’s insecure and he gets decision paralysis under stress. Not so much with people he doesn’t care about, like he had no problem sending Krystal home. But with women he likes, he always defaults to telling them what they want to hear, not to be mean, but because he can’t stand being the bad guy.

– Bekah: “If he can so easily disregard the relationship with Becca, he shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee.” Fair point.

– Seinne: “He knew Lauren would take him back before he broke up with Becca. Without that assurance, I don’t think he would’ve done it.” Hmmm, another fair point.

– Wait, Arie reached out to Lauren during the premiere? Do you think he was watching it with Becca when he dm’ed her on twitter? Bet you $1000 he was.

– Every answer Seinne gives is awesome. I love her more every time I see her.

– Continuing that thought: a major takeaway from tonight and this season in general, is that with a few minor exceptions, this was the best group of women I’ve ever seen on this show. Super cool, smart, down-to-earth, fun, funny, strong. A ton of awesome ladies. As a guy, if you can’t find a girl in this group, it’s not them it’s you.

– Hi Becca!

–  Regarding controversy around airing the breakup, Becca says it gave her closure, and if she’s fine with it, I’m fine with it. Ultimately, her opinion is the only one that matters.

– “When was your first sense that things were going south?” I don’t know, maybe when two camera crews walked into the room and dropped a boom mic in my face?

– Holy crap, people are putting up billboards, and Venmo’d over $6,000 to buy Becca a drink. “Donate it” she says and the Bachelor matches. Seriously, who’s better than Becca? Not me. Six grand buys a lot of drinks.

 

– Hi Arie! And the audience is relatively respectful. I legit thought he was getting booed.

Ummm… so how was Vegas?

– Becca: “I’ll always have a place in my heart for you, but I’m ready to move on and find someone more suited to me. Choosing from 25-30 guys while I jetset around the world would be a nice way to do it.”

– To his credit, Arie takes all the blame. I mean, he should take the blame, but let’s be honest, it was never a given based on past history.

– Becca: “I want the best for you, and I would never wish ill-will towards anyone.” Once again, Becca’s a better person than me. I’d have a stack of voodoo dolls and a Ukrainian hit squad on speed dial.

– You know who’s ecstatic about this season? These two:

Yay, we’re relevant again!

– Hold the phone: Chris Harrison is getting threats? Good luck with that, people. You poke the bear, and you might just get mauled.

– Hi Lauren!

– Chris: “I can’t imagine what’s going through your head right now.” Lauren: “Yeah, me neither.” For the love…

– You can dm people on Instagram? I’m so old.

– Chris: “Where do your conversations go? do they pick up steam?” Lauren: “Not really.” Once again, for the love….

– And Arie proposes for the second time. The girls look won over.

You think Bekah and Kendall will be bridesmaids?

– Whatever. Arie and Lauren look happy, I hope it works. I still don’t think it will, not because of the way things went down, but because Lauren hasn’t shown much of a personality and I think Arie gets bored, but I’m not rooting against them. Godspeed.

– Let’s meet our new Bacelorette! Ashley Iaconetti!

– Kidding, it’s Becca. And Tia’s crying a little. “I came so close….”

– The Bachelorette starts right now! Bring on the dudes.

– I love Becca, but I’m already tired of ‘let’s do the damn thing.’

– Guy #1 is dressed to the nines and has a British accent and the girls LIKEY:

Bekah needs to put her eyes back in her head and Tia’s about to fall out of her chair…

– Guy #3 shows up playing a banjo, and then goes silent when the music stops. Wait – can he only communicate through the magic of song? Oh wow, this season might be a material-rich environment.

Lovely Better Half: No.

– Guy #5 brings a horse. “My name’s Blake.” Of course it is.

Somewhere, there’s a nervous Intern holding a shovel…

– Chris Harrison: “We’re leaving this night on a horse and high note.” That’s why he gets the big bucks, folks.

And that’s a wrap. A surprisingly entertaining season from a surprising pick for Bachelor. As always, thanks for coming along for the ride. The Bachelorette premiers May 28th! Enjoy the break, and see you then, my friends…