♫ How you like me now! How you like me now! ♫

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, Bachelor Nation. But, unfortunately for the Gods of Happily Ever After, you don’t go to Final Rose with the Bachelor you want, you go with the Bachelor you got. And what we got is three hours of a waffling Dutchman dousing two women’s emotions in kerosene and lighting a match.

THREE hours? This is payback for taking the Millionaire gig, isn’t it?

THREE hours? This is payback for that boys’ weekend in Vegas, isn’t it?

LOL, look at me talking smack about that guy in the audience, and yet he’s not the one spending the next day writing 3,000 words about it. I’m such a hypocrite. On with the Most Dramatic Finale Ever, culminating with – for the first time in reality tv history – an entirely UNEDITED final scene!

Welcome to Cusco!

If you don’t get that camera outta my face, alpaca my bags and leave…

That’s funny. My kid’s gonna love that joke in 2 years. Arie roams the streets in conflicted silence, listing the various qualities he loves in both Becca and Lauren. To summarize:

Becca – she has great values. loves her family, she’s funny, supportive, smart, and sexy at the same time, and she’s the kind of girl you build a life and a family with.

Lauren – she has blond hair.

Let’s meet Arie’s family. First up:

Lauren – Like Hi Like Nice to Like Meet the Like Luyendyks

Lauren knows meeting the family is a big deal because she could be getting engaged, and she’s only done that twice before. So this kind of thing only happens, what, every 18 months or so? That’s kind of a big deal, I guess. Arie just wants his parents to see what he sees in her. Oh, they see it, buddy; every blond strand of it. But, just to see if there actually is any substance here, let’s a try a question: Which date stands out to you, Lauren? “All of them.” Great…

Lauren: omigod your questions are like so hard!

Arie: Isn’t she adorbs?

Sis to Arie: “It’s important to have a mental connection too, like where you stay up all night just talking. Do you do that with Lauren?

I don’t think I’ve spent an entire elevator ride talking to Lauren…

Mom: What’s your biggest fear?

Lauren: presentations, speeches, discussing Arie and I’s relationship, asking for directions, reading aloud, ordering food in a restaurant, saying ‘excuse me’, or anything else that involves verbalizing my thoughts.

And that’s about it. The family liked Lauren because she’s cute and inoffensive and probably just like every other girl Arie has brought home since the Bachelorette. Next up:

Becca – Hey, Did You Know We Met Lauren Yesterday? She Was Great…

Little brother kicks things off with the same question: Which date stands out to you? “The first date was amazing because there was instant chemistry, but the feelings built slowly on the group dates, because that’s a difficult environment to get to know someone, but it was Italy where things really clicked for me. I remember flying home thinking, ‘I love this man. I love him.’ And I really do.”

Holy crap, that was an amazing answer! After meeting Lauren yesterday, I didn’t think they were allowed to speak. I haven’t heard that much relationship talk since I filmed Before Sunset…

The Luyendyks really like Becca; maybe because she and Arie interact like a real couple, and not like Lars and The Real Girl. Dad warns Becca that the Dutch tell it like it is, and everyone splits up for some Q&A.

Mom: You know we met Lauren yesterday.

She’s still around?

Dad: You know, I compare you to Lauren, and you’re both very nice. Either way Arie goes, I’m fine with it.

Whoa, dad, you don’t need to ‘tell it like it is’ ALL the time…

Way to make a girl feel special, pops; mom’s a lucky woman. Basically, the whole family talks about Lauren the entire time, and Becca isn’t feeling too reassured, because as she cleverly puts it, she and Lauren are like “comparing an apple to a starfish.” I don’t know if The Producers primed the family with all the Lauren stuff to make Becca feel insecure or what, but that was painful to watch.

Luyendyk Family Meeting

Arie: Becca and I can talk all day and night, she’s strong, an equal partner, and we make a great team. Lauren speaks in one-word-sentences, and dances around sometimes. Anyway, who do you guys like?

Mom: Becca.

Dad: Becca.

Sis: Becca.

Bro: Dude, Becca. She can dye her hair, whatever, it’s a no-brainer.

Studio Break with Caroline

Chris Harrison: Has your opinion of Arie changed?

Caroline: NOPE.

Chris Harrison: We’ll be back right after this!

Final Lauren Date – Amazing. Incredible. Lucky.

Welcome to Sacred Valley, Peru, where Arie and Lauren board a train to Machu Picchu. What, Arie, no 4 day hike with Lauren? Afraid you might run out of things to say?

Arie: I’m so in love with you.

Lauren: Like.

Don’t use all your superlatives at once, Lauren; the ancient Incan citadel awaits.

How is it possible no one else was there? Did The Producers actually reserve Machu Picchu?

Seriously, this place is wall-to-wall people every single day, no clue how they managed this. Arie and Lauren wander around, marvel at ancient wonders, then sit down for a chat before hordes of tourists show up and block all the good shots.

Aire: Incredible.

Lauren: Amazing.

Arie: Awesome.

Lauren: Lucky.

Arie: So lucky.

Lauren: I liked your family.

Arie: They liked you, too.

Lauren: Thanks.

Arie:

Lauren:

Arie: Wanna make out?

The Reverse Arie – SHE puts HIM against the wall…

Night back in Cusco, and we meet in Lauren’s room to share the depths of our love.

Lauren: I’ve never had this before. Except for those two other times. We’ve gone through some things that weren’t the easiest. I mean, not the mansion and the free food and the flying around the world and Paris and Italy an all that; that was fun. But, you know, the talking. That part was hard.

Arie: Yeah. You know, when I think about you with your clothes off – sorry – I meant when you’re closed off, I just want to undress those walls you build up and really get inside you. I can’t describe why I love you, because I know nothing about you, but for some reason I do. It’s probably the hair.

And then Lauren talks about walking the dog and I fall asleep because this conversation can’t possibly get any more boring. These two genuinely deserve each other. Arie leaves, and Lauren says, “I don’t think Arie would get me to open up if he was going to propose to Becca.” LOL, have you even watched this show before?

Studio Break With Becca and Seinne

Seinne: If what I heard is true, he’s never getting laid again.

Chris Harrison: Thanks, Seinne. Bekah, you had strong feelings for Arie.

Bekah: LOL, not anymore! I am so glad I dodged that bullet. I’m going to Paradise and life is good…

Becca Final Date – We’re Just Walking Around? That’s It?

Just to clarify: Lauren rode a private train to see one of the 7 Wonders of the World, and Becca gets a city walking tour straight out of Week 3. That’s not a good sign for Becca.

Arie: Hey little guy! You’re so cute and fuzzy!

Al the Alpaca: Back off, race-boy, or I tell the girl you brought Lauren to Machu Picchu yesterday…

I wouldn’t get too close, man – alpacas are grumpy and they’ll spit at you. No joke. So, that’s pretty much it. They go to a market, sit down and talk over two of the biggest smoothies I’ve ever seen and then it’s date over.

Look at the size of those things. You could feed a family of 4…

Nighttime in Becca’s room.

Becca: My feelings have been growing since Paris, and even though there’s still another woman here, I can see our future together clearly, and I have absolutely no hesitations at this point.

Arie: Yeah, I still don’t know what I’m going to do.

Becca: Ok, not what I wanted to hear. But, I want you to know I’m still confident in us.

Arie: Man, I just wish I knew who to pick….

Becca: HEY LOOK, I MADE YOU SOMETHING!

Scrapbook! Looks like the Interns pulled an all-nighter…

Just want to point out, Lauren didn’t make anything. Though, in Lauren’s defense, who needs to make scrapbooks when you’re so adept at expressing yourself in person. “I love you”, “I love you”, “Bye”, and Arie wanders the streets of Cusco alone, listing the litany of reasons Becca would make the perfect wife, playing back all 23 words Lauren has spoken this season, and searching his soul for the answer to his quandary.

Studio Break with Ben Higgins and Jason Mesnick

Ben H: I don’t know, man, it’s a bad idea to tell two women you love them, especially when you’re sitting on the floor in the ladies room.

Jason: What’s the problem, bro? Just pick both! Win, win!

Morning of a Finale Like Never Before

And it truly is like never before, as Arie becomes the first Bachelor in history to throw open the curtains and stare thoughtfully into the distance with his shirt on.

Arie: Hey guys, are you sure you don’t want me to take my shirt off like Sean Lowe, Juan Pablo, Farmer Chris, Ben H, and Nick all did?

Crew: No man, trust us, leave it on…

Arie: What about a shower scene?

Crew: NO!!

The girls get ready while Arie hikes to the highest cliff in Cusco and contemplates jumping off. But, at the last minute, everything becomes crystal clear and he finally knows for certain what his decision will be.

I’m picking Kendall. Maybe I’ll bring home an alpaca for her to stuff…

Hi Neil!

Arie: I’m getting engaged today. This is the best day of my life.

Neil Lane: Let me tell you about the best day in MY life, kid. Sixteen years ago, I agreed to a sponsorship deal with The Bachelor…

The Final Rose

Chris Harrison: The hearts of three people hang in the balance.

Lovely Better Half: Three?

Me: Arie.

Lovely Better Half: [scoffs] He doesn’t count.

Everyone takes their places, the limo shows up, and the first lady out is…. Lauren! And I’m genuinely surprised. She makes her way to the proposal stage, and Arie does not look like a man in control of his bowel movements at the moment.

It smells like alpaca around here. I’m gonna puke…

And Lauren, in a move she will shortly come to regret, opens up completely.

“I’ve spent a significant part of my life trying to protect myself from heartbreak, but in building those walls, all I’ve done is keep myself from finding love. Thank you for helping me break down those walls. I’ve loved you all along. You’re the one I’ve been looking for my entire life.”

Wow, didn’t know she had it in her. That should be all Arie needed to hear, right?

Nope, I guess not…

Lauren: I’m confused, but oh well, I wish you the best.

Arie: Can I walk you out?

Lauren: Sure.

And she’s closed off again. We see Lauren’s sad face…

…which is pretty much the same as her happy face, and Arie escorts her to the car. But, is this the last Arie will see of Lauren? Stay tuned and find out!

Becca – Come Get Your Guy

Becca: I’m in awe of you, you put me at ease, felt right since the first date, fell so hard so fast, being in love with you is easy.

Arie: you’re beautiful, intelligent, everything we shared, we’re a team, thanks for taking this journey with me, my love for you us immeasurable.

Becca: Hurry up and put the ring on, I’m freezing…

A Final Rose, endless love, and happily ever after – what could possibly go wrong?

Rebecca Jill Kufrin-Luyendyk. It has a ring to it…

Well, filling out those change-of-name forms won’t be a walk in the park, for starters…

But Wait! There’s More!

In the days and weeks that followed, our happy couple sneaked off to secret, NDA approved locations to bask in the glow of newly engaged love.

This picture kills me. Becca is so happy and so cute and she has no clue what’s coming…

But, for all the home movie bliss, someone has Lauren on his mind. Arie’s new relationship with Becca isn’t enough to erase the heartbreak of losing Lauren, and he’s going to break off the engagement. On camera. For everyone to see. Hey, as far as I’m concerned, Becca’s obligation is done when she takes the ring. To blindside her like this with two full camera crews in tow is bullshit.

What happened next was so raw and so emotional, we decided not to air it out of respect to all involved. Just kidding! We’re showing the raw footage, uncut and unedited. Enjoy!

And the first thing we see is a placing shot over Los Angeles with Arie doing a voiceover. Not to nitpick at all, but that’s editing, Chris. Let’s get on with it.

Arie: So how was Vegas?

Becca: Great. Who the fuck are these guys?

And Arie throws up in  his mouth a little while the camera crew rolls in like Seal Team Six and sets their angles. Surprise, Becca!

We go split-screen. Arie says he’s struggling to get over Lauren, and the more he “hangs out” with Becca, the more he’s losing his chance to reconcile with Lauren. His actual words.

‘Hang out’ with me?! This isn’t some random spring break hookup! You put a ring on my finger!

And now Arie has hives on his neck, he’s so nervous. It’s not fair to Becca to be half-in, he tried to be honest, and he thought it only right to tell her in person. With cameras and microphones everywhere, you know, out of respect for her. The more time he spends with Becca, the more he drifts away from Lauren. “You SHOULD be drifting away from her! That’s how a relationship works, you tool!” And now the hives are up to Arie’s cheeks, and there’s sweat dripping down his face. Commercial break!

Don’t go away, there’s more drama to come. Mostly because Arie refuses to leave the house…

Forget the Bachelor, I want to hear more about the “woman’s wild rampage on flight” coming up on ABC7 News at 11PM. That wasn’t Becca after 5 gin and tonics, was it?

Becca’s done talking, and goes to her room to pack. Arie says he’s leaving. And then follows her into a closet and stares at her in silence.

Arie: What do you want?

Becca: I want you to go.

Arie: So, stay here, then?

Eventually, Arie stops staring like an expectant puppy and walks outside. Then, after gaining the perspective and wisdom that only 30 seconds alone can give you, Arie realizes he can’t live without Becca and decides to win her back. And oh my god, as soon as I finish writing that joke in my notes, I look at the TV and Arie actually goes back inside the house again. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He’s a 36 year old man who is literally too insecure walk away. I hate to break it to you, pal, but you’re going to be the bad guy; there’s no way to avoid it, just accept it and LEAVE.

Arie: Are you ok?

Becca: Why are you still here? GTFO!

Arie: Ok, I’ll just wait on the couch then…

I’m pretty sure she still wants to talk…

Arie’s that guy that won’t leave your house even though the party ended 3 hours ago. “Alright, well, we’re going to bed soon, so… so you’re just gonna have another beer, Arie? REALLY?!” Wait – has he even apologized yet? Wow, this guy is crashing and burning. Becca comes out to the living room to find Arie lingering like old Dutch cheese, and decides to tell him she’s pregnant. Kidding, but you have to admit, that would be The Most Dramatic Finale in Bachelor History. By the way, you know who’s really pissed right now? Tia. Girl, you just lost your shot at The Bachelorette. Another 45 seconds of dead silence pass, and I’m starting to realize why they edit these things.

Arie, leave. PLEASE leave. Becca is literally praying for you to go away…

Finally, after a 30 minute performance that makes me feel guilty-by-association as a man, the words we’ve all been waiting for: “Ok, I’m gonna go.”

Back to the Studio, Chris

Chris Harrison: Have you talked to Arie since that day?

Becca: Nope, but I have a TON of questions.

I bet you do. Look, in some ways I get it. This show always celebrates the love story at the end, but never talks about the loss that comes with sending 2nd Place home. If you truly and honestly have feelings for two people, the loss of one of those relationships is not an insignificant thing. A similar situation happened with Mesnick, and I think they’re still together (correct me if I’m wrong). Then again, maybe Arie is just one of those grass-is-always-greener kinda guys. You want to know how a reasonably good-looking professional racecar driver can still be single 5 years after The Bachelorette, tonight’s episode is a pretty good explanation.

Regardless, Becca is a class act and the total package through and through. This sucks for her now, but at some point in the not-too-distant future, she’ll look back and breathe a sigh of relief. Becca’s gonna be just fine.

Tonight, Arie, Becca, and Lauren are back on the stage for the Most Dramatic After the Final Rose in Bachelor History. See ya then, my friends.

 

And now… Nothing. Nothing but applause, and hugs from the girls, and love from the audience for Becca. Because she deserves it.