Tonight! On The Bachelor! So many feelings, so much strength, so much fear, and oh so much love. And Arie can call them “romantic overnight dates” until he’s blue in the face, but we’re all grown-ups here, we know what time it is: Fantasy Suites, baby! Time to act out your Fantasies, do a little cosplay, dress up like a furry, smother each other in ceviche and get your Peruvian freak on. Oh yeah….

Welcome to the Island of Sinful Desires. Peru looks awesome btw, and that’s probably the least impressive shot in the whole intro…

Kendall – I Like Arie, I Just Don’t Want to Marry Him

We arrive in the middle of the desert, where Arie has a little surprise for Kendall.

Something with cars again, huh? Gosh, I am SO surprised….

But the real surprise is that Arie isn’t driving, and I’ll bet anyone a million dollars he’s the worst backseat driver in history.

Bro, you’re short-shifting and hitting your braking zones too early. Whoa! WAY too much wheelspin! Alright, this guy sucks…

Of course, Arie tells us driving a dune buggy is like a relationship (yak): it has it’s ups and downs, it’s scary and fun, and sometimes you need to let someone else take the wheel even though they suck at driving and COULD NEVER QUALIFY FOR THE STARTING GRID AT INDY LIKE ME!! I’m ready for my picnic now; get me out of this thing.

Kendall: So I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple days about where we are…

Arie: Uh-huh. Hey, do you mind if I eat this?

I never noticed until the montage at the end of Women Tell All, but Arie is always eating. The women are talking and he’s grabbing food and chewing loudly and giving one word answers with his mouth full. It’s kind of distracting. And I think Kendall has noticed, too.

If Arie proposed to me today, I’d probably say no…

Harsh. Bring on the night, and Kendall tells us she’s not ready for marriage for the 800th time while Arie stuffs his face some more.

Kendall: I’m just not sure I’m ready to get married yet.

Arie: Man, have you tried this ceviche? SO good.

Kendall: Are you listening to me?

Arie: Wut?

They talk some more, and Kendall is really trying to sell herself on Arie, when the reality is she just doesn’t like him that much. She thinks he’s cute and a nice guy, and she’ll probably hook up with him, but let’s be clear: Aire isn’t Kendall’s Mr. Right, he’s her Mr, Right Now, and she knows it. Nevertheless, the Fantasy Suite Card comes, and for some reason Chris Harrison’s handwriting looks different this season.

Maybe Chelsea Handler is writing the cards this year?

Arie: So what do you say?

Kendall: Normally, I’d like to know there’s something more there than just physical attraction, but what the hell, it’s not like I’m in Peru every day. Why not.

Arie: That makes me happy.

Into bed and out go the lights. Rock on, you crazy kids. The next morning arrives, and Arie is so exhausted and hungry from “talking all night”, he cooks breakfast. And I’m sure she had a little touch-up time, but Kendall wakes up cute, I’m a fan. Everyone is falling in love with everyone, and it’s all very happy, but Arie as to power through his egg sandwich and meet Lauren for “Romantic Overnight Date” #2.

Lauren – Did You Say Something?

Lauren is very excited for her date with Arie. You can tell by her monotone voice, expressionless face, and dead eyes. She applies her makeup into an impenetrable mask of secrecy, and then greets Arie at the local airport with a jump-hug and a kiss.

LBH: Did he at least have one day in between?

Me: Nah, probably just changed his shirt and wiped his junk off with a wet towel.

Hop aboard for an airplane tour of the Nazca Lines, ancient geoglyphs etched into the Peruvian desert – a pretty amazing, once-in-a-lifetime sight that Lauren enjoys in absolute silence. Arie’s actually getting frustrated at this point. “I see this incredible woman, but I only get to see glimpses of her.” She’s incredible? Really? Because from what I can tell, there’s never been a more boring person on this show.

This guy talked more on this date than Lauren has the entire season…

Lunch in Huacachina, and Lauren finally speaks!

Like other girls like nervous like love like I don’t know like we’re here like family like reassurance like tell me like I’m like the one like like like like….

You get the gist. Off to dinner and Lauren isn’t happy about other girls being in the picture, so clearly she didn’t read the syllabus for this season. But Arie just can’t let his flavorless Emily Maynard replacement go, so he says, “I love you”, and Lauren musters up her least robotic voice and replies, “I love you”, and honestly I feel like I’m watching that movie where Joaquin Phoenix is dating his phone.

She looks ecstatic…

Fantasy Suite Card arrives and overnight is a go. Cue the romantic background music, Arie and Lauren say “I love you” about 100 more times and what, is the season over now? I mean, Lauren looks pretty convincing as the winner, right? He’s not really going to sleep with Becca after this, is he? [cue needle scratching across record]

Lauren: Last night was amazing. I love you.

Arie: Yep, love you too babe, but can’t stay for breakfast. I need to hose off my bathing suit area and go meet Becca. See ya at the Rose Ceremony!

Becca – Where Am I Supposed to Pee Around Here?

Becca: Hey, I missed you! How’s your week going?

Aire: Amazing! 2 for 2 so far!

Becca looks beach-y and cute. Arie is excited for “Becca and I’s” relationship, which has been driving Lovely Better Half up the wall. What is up with possessive form issues on this show? It’s not hard, look: ‘Becca’s and my relationship’, ‘My relationship with Becca’, ‘When I think about Becca and I, I’m excited for our relationship.’ It’s basic grammar, Bachelor, and you’ve had all season to fix it.

Let’s get on the boat! Kissy-kissy and talk about the future. Why wouldn’t Becca move to Scottsdale? That sounds like a deal-breaker to me. Long distance relationship? Maybe. Long distance engagement? Not so much.

Night falls, Arie and Becca are whisked off to the desert, and waiting for them is their romantic and luxurious Fantasy…Tent?

Where’s the bathroom?

Camping looks cool on paper, but if there’s no indoor plumbing, I’m out. More talking.

Arie: I’m most worried about picking the wrong person.

Becca: You started taking pieces of my heart.

Arie: I liked meeting your family.

Becca: Yeah, the day after you left – despite everything Uncle Gary said about you – I thought ‘I love him’. I love you.

Arie: I love you, too. Wait, what did Uncle Gary say about me?

Out comes the Fantasy Suite Card and hold on a second:

 

They can’t get the same Intern to write all three cards in the same episode?

Come on, n, h, u, d, capital I – all completely different. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to think Chris Harrison doesn’t actually write the date cards himself. SHOCKING! Becca green lights the Fantasy Tent, ‘I love you’ gets thrown around a bunch more times, and wow, maybe Becca has a shot at winning this thing after all. Then again, maybe Arie is the kind of guy that says ‘I love you’ to every girl he sleeps with. Who knows.

Morning arrives. The Producers toss a box of wet wipes into the tent so Arie and Becca can clean up, and they have breakfast in the dunes.

That’s pretty cool but seriously, I need to pee like a race horse, where’s the bathroom? I KNOW the crew wasn’t sleeping outside last night, where is it?

Becca and Arie are so happy and so in love, what could possibly go wrong?

Ross Thought They Were Just Taking a Break

Apparently, Becca’s ex-boyfriend Ross just happened to be in South America filming Magic Mike 3: Peruvian Thunder, and he thought he’d stop by with a bouquet of liquor store flowers and win Becca’s heart back.

I’d do whatever it takes to get her back. And believe me, it wasn’t easy. A bunch of emails back and forth with The Producers to coordinate schedules, then I had to apply for a visa with the Peruvian embassy, and that takes like 3 weeks. I had to send my passport number to The Producers so they could book my ticket, then there was a whole big argument because I wanted to fly business and they’d only pay for coach, so I threatened to pull out and they offered to split the extra cost and that was cool with me so here I am. I would’ve swam here if I had to. But I’m glad I didn’t. Food’s awesome on Delta, by the way…

So, Ross marches straight to Arie’s room to let him know what’s up.

Ross: I’m gonna go get my girl.

Arie: Well, I can’t speak for her. But just to let you know, we’re pretty far along in this process, so if she decides she doesn’t want you back, I ask that you respect Becca and I’s relationship and move on.

Ross: [long pause, blinks a couple times] I’m gonna go get my girl.

Arie: Alrighty, I guess we’re done here…

So, Ross grabs the flowers he stole from the Delta Sky Club during his layover, and marches straight to Becca’s door. And BOY, is she thrilled to see him.

Yeeeeahhhhhh….this ain’t going down like Ross pictured it in his head…

Becca: Dude, what the fuck are you doing here?

Ross: I came to get you back.

Becca: How did you even know where I was?

Ross: That dude, Mick Lice…

Becca: Mike Fleiss?

Ross: Whatever, he DM’ed me on the twitter and we worked it out from there. Can I come in?

Becca: No. Fuck no. I’ll talk to you outside.

Ross: Alright, so like I was telling that guy-

Becca: ‘Guy’? What guy?

Ross: Whatsisnuts.

Becca: Omigod, you talked to Arie? Can you remember anyone’s name? Wait – do you even remember MY name?

Ross: [Pauses, looks confused] I thought you’d want me back.

Becca: WHY, IN THAT TINY BRAIN OF YOURS, WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT?

Ummmm… yeah, I have no business being here. Hey, I still get that free 3-night stay in that city, right? What’s it called?

No, Ross, your reservations at the JW Marriott Lima have just been cancelled, and you’re flying back coach. Honestly, if I were Arie, I wouldn’t be pissed at Becca because this guy showed up, but I would 100% question Becca’s judgment for dating this guy in the first place. What. A. Clown.

So, Arie and Becca have some talking to do. Obviously, she is completely and totally over this guy, but Arie is so insecure, it has to be an issue for him.

You were with Ross for 7 years, but you’ve only known me for 7 weeks. How can I possibly compete?

Rose Ceremony – And Then There Were Two

Arie: Hey, Chris Harrison! When did you get here?

Chris: Three days ago. Ross and I hit the town hard last night. I think he’s in jail, and I have no idea where my cell phone, room key, or passport is. Anyway, how was your week?

Arie: It was pretty busy. As in gettin’ busy! [winks] Get it? Gettin’ busy?

Chris: I’ve been doing this for 22 seasons, Aire, I get it. And don’t use double entendres with me when I’m hung over. Tell me about the girls.

Arie: Becca has a nutjob stalker ex-boyfriend, talking to Lauren is like getting a root canal, and Kendall is fun like one of my buddies, but I don’t have sex with my buddies.

Chris: Alright, let’s do this. I got a plane to catch in 30.

Arie: You’re not bailing Ross out of jail?

Chris: Who do I look like, his mother?

Line up, ladies! But first: Kendall, can I talk to you for a second? Second week in a row this has happened, but the ending is very different this time around. They never hit it off like the other two and he told her she was going home in the Fantasy Suite, because Kendall doesn’t look surprised. Maybe they had sex, which is fine – consenting adults, etc – but as much as I hammer Arie, I don’t believe he BS’d her into bed. She knew the situation and she was cool with it.

And with that, the Grand Finale of Lauren vs Becca is set!

Becca: Such a beautiful sunset!

Lauren: [voice flat as the horizon] Look at that pretty horse.

Arie: Yeah… hey, is it weird that I had sex with both of you this week?

Becca: Umm, a little…

Arie: Between the two of you, who do you think was the best? Come on, guess!

Lauren: Arie, I don’t think that’s appropri-

Arie: Trick question! It was me! I was the best! Being Bachelor is awesome…

Next week, the live television event that everyone will be talking about! Arie’s in love with two women! Who will he choose? Don’t miss the 3-Hour Season Finale! Three hours? For the love, people…

 

And now, adventures in sand boarding with Kendall and Arie.