Which is crazy, because this episode usually bores the hell out of me, but I loved it this time. Tonight! Love! Heartbreak! Glam-shaming! Was Bekah too young? And if the previews are any indication, this is going to be Krystal vs The World all the way through. Here’s the bullet point rundown:

– Hi Chris! “Get ready for an ending unlike any you’ve seen before.”

Oooh, tell me more!

Calm yourself, it’s called a teaser…

– someone actually made a Bekah found shirt. Wtf I love the audience now.

– memorable moments in women tell all history? They can’t get enough material out of Krystal? They need to cut this episode down to an hour. Though I forgot about the crazy Lace stalker guy with the tattoo.

The crazy part? It’s not like he has a lot of tattoos to begin with. That’s literally the only thing he has tattooed on his body. I don’t love this guy, but I love the guy he lost the bet to forcing him to go through with it. 

– Hi Ladies! Applause meter says Tia is the next Bachelorette.

– “When Bekah was learning how to finger paint, Arie was learning how to fuck people in college.” Lol I love Chelsea now.

– The group is split on whether or not glam-shaming is a thing. And I’m glad that segment is over and done with.

– Bekah is literally the most mature, self-aware person in the room.

– Krystal, come on down to the Hot Seat!

– Krystal: “I date men. Not little fancy pants.” And later she calls Arie ‘needle-dick’. Lol, wtf I love Krystal now. Though she was out-of-line with the other girls, so maybe not.

– well, looks like Krystal has checked her peace, love, and zen at the door for tonight’s episode. She has having exactly zero of Caroline’s shit. Or anyone else’s, for that matter.

– “Why did your voice change for the show?” is the question of the night. I love the people that got sent home in Week 1 now.

– “It’s because I lost my voice. I can control it better when I speak slowly.”

When you’ve lost Chris Harrison, the man who’s seen literally EVERYTHING over the past 22 seasons…

– If Krystal’s little bro was homeless for the past 2 years, how was he watching The Bachelor?

– Seinne, welcome to the hot seat! And market research for the next Bachelorette begins.

– Seinne even cries pretty. Seriously, how long does she stay single? Three days? Four tops? Sure, she could be the next Bachelorette, but why would she come on this show to choose from 25 guys when she can just go out on her own and choose from literally thousands?

– And what’s the deal with men being intimidated by smart, accomplished women? “She’s cool and all, but I was really hoping for someone dumber and less successful.” Come on, guys – how insecure do you have to be for a woman with a brain to be a turnoff?

– Bekah M, join us in the Hot Seat!

– Bekah is 100% correct – Arie is insecure, and he was worried about what people would say about him dating a 22 year old, not whether Bekah was ready.

– Oh, Tia, don’t double-down on selling Bekah out to Arie. Not a good look.

– Bekah flat out admits she went to live on a marijuana farm. Own it. WTF I love Bekah now.

– And we’ll see Bekah in Paradise!

– Tia, say “hi y’all” to the Hot Seat!

– Tia looks great and all, but if my daughter ever buys a dress that short, I’m putting the entire house on lockdown. Not even the dog’s getting out.

That’s not a dress, it’s a shirt….

– “Are you open to falling in love again?” ie, “Are you ready to be the Bachelorette?” Of course she is. Come on. It’s not like anyone has sworn themselves to a life of celibacy after breaking up with Arie.

– Hi Arie!

– Tia: “Why did you send me home instead of Kendall?”, Arie: “You’re a brunette. You’ve seen Emily Maynard, right?”

– You know what, Arie? If I was 36, I couldn’t date a 22 year old either. I don’t blame you, pal.

– Uh-oh, Caroline’s got some inside information on how this all wraps up. Something’s coming in the next couple weeks, folks, and it doesn’t make Arie look good. Chris Harrison cuts to commercial before Caroline gives the finale away.

– Arie puts Krystal in her place and wtf I love Arie now. I can’t make up my mind about any of these people.

Krystal: I’m getting one more argument in before I go.

Arie: Didn’t I say goodbye to you like 4 months ago? Turn the page…

– I don’t see how Krystal could have bombed this conversation with Arie any more than she did. Just a complete and total backfire.

– Bloopers! Mini-horses, bee on your vagina, Arie has zero butt, Bibiana burger, Chelsea struggles with basic math, and Chris Harrison smacks Pitbull Kenny King with the chair! How did that scene get cut?

– Why is John Cena here? Even he looks uncomfortable with the situation. We’ve officially entered the 4th Circle of Cross-Promotional Hell.

– Coming up in the next two weeks! Peru, airplanes, sand surfing, boats, confusion, anxiety, tears, and one jilted ex-boyfriend. The Finale will leave all of Bachelor Nation in shock! Lovely Better Half thinks it’s Arie’s ex-boyfriend, which is why every girl is crying. Lol I love LBH now…

 

And now, we watch Arie eat ALL the food at every meal. Maybe that’s why he always looks like he wants to puke during the Rose Ceremonies.