Tonight! On a special Hometown edition of The Bachelor!

The fuck is that?

It’s Hometowns, folks, and let’s get right into it with:

Kendall in Los Angeles – Did Something Die in Here?

Arie’s back behind the wheel and his serious driving face is on.

Break, break, break, hit the apex, easy on the throttle…dammit, Arie, concentrate!

Kendall cares SO much for Arie, and it would mean so much if he could embrace the thing she loves most.

Ok, by ’embrace’ do you mean I have to actually hug them, or can I just offer emotional support from afar…?

And for the record, I’m pretty sure zebras and cheetahs and polar bears are endangered. I think US Fish & Wildlife needs to stop by, just to make sure Kendall is on the up-and-up. Let’s adjourn to the crafts table, shall we?

Yes, those are hollowed out rat skins…[shudder]

Hey man, I think Kendall is cool as hell, but if I’m Arie, I’m pulling the chute on this date. But he plays along and they make little rat dioramas, and then Kendall tells us taxidermy is like a relationship, and that analogy has officially jumped the shark. Arie wonders what to expect tonight and Kendall says he’s different than any guy she’s brought home before, and by ‘different’ she means ‘way older’.

Let’s meet the family, and Kendall has a twin sister? They should have a show on HGTV like Property Brothers, but called Taxidermy Sisters, and instead of remodeling your house, they stuff your dog or your cat or whatever. “Are you ready to see your beloved pet again? Say HELLO TO FLUFFY!” “Omigod! He looks just like he did before he got rabies!” Anywho, Kendall sits down with mom, and mom tells her she’s ‘not your typical girl’.

Yeah, says the woman with an entire closet dedicated to beading…

Next, Arie talks to Kylie (wait, are they actually named Kendall and Kylie? Come on, they’re messing with us, right?)

Arie: Hey, so this might sound a little awkward, but if things don’t work out with Kendall, are you available?

Kendall and Kylie talk in the bead closet. What is this thing, soundproof? Then dad and Arie have a sit-down, and Arie gets his first dose of Dad Face.

Arie: I’m really falling for Kendall.

Dad: Uh-huh. If that sound guy moves a couple feet back, I can get in two solid punches before they break us up…

The general theme: Kendall really likes Arie, but no one thinks she’s ready for marriage, Kendall included. Arie is too insecure to choose someone who might say no, so Kendall is definitely not winning.

Tia in Wiener AR – Is Someone About to Die Here?

Thanks for inviting me…

Surprise, surprise, no Jump Hug for Arie, which means Tia’s gone this episode. A little dirt trackin’, so Arie can get his serious face on again, and then beers in the back of a pickup.

This is the best part of the date. Shooting the breeze, drinking a couple beers, casual – I could hang out like this all day, dead serious. Only thing I’d add is a couple lawn chairs in the back. First thing I thought of was Benny at the end of Dazed and Confused.

Me, circa 1990…

Time to meet the family, and dad and big brother are already trading notes on who’s gonna hurt Arie the most.

Bro: I’m either gonna punch him before I say ‘hi’, or after, or both.

Dad: I’m gonna hold him down and squeeze him until his face turns purple.

Out to the cook shack with big brother.

Bro: I have some questions.

Arie: Fire away.

Bro: Really? Alright, let me get my gun real quick…

Arie: No-no-no, I didn’t mean it that way…

Big Brother hasn’t always been there for Tia, but he sees his chance to be there now. Translation: he heard that cameras were showing up and decided to take an interest in Little Sister’s life for once. Leaves me wondering where he was when Tia was dating all those assholes in her past, and there were no television crews around. Pardon me if I don’t take this guy at face value. Next up: Dad Face Part II!

You’d look pretty good buried in my backyard, son…

But in the end, everyone cuts Arie some slack and it’s a successful Hometown date. Maul on the front porch, Tia says ‘I love you’, Arie says ‘thanks’, and we’re on to the next date.

Becca in Minneapolis MN – Becca Takes Arie on a Shopping Spree!

Wait – no she doesn’t. She gives him a jump hug (good sign) and they go apple picking (booorrriinng…..). From dead animals and race cars to picking apples in freezing weather. Arie’s not looking thrilled.

Am I supposed to eat it?

Hi, Becca’s family! Uncle Gary assumed the father-figure role after Becca’s dad passed away, and he’s not buying what Arie’s selling.

Arie: Being 1 of 29 is different than choosing from 25 women, but in a way, it’s still totally beautiful.

Uncle Gary: What in the name of all that is holy are you talking about, boy?

Turns out Becca’s dad was a great hunter, fisher, duck carver, church-going man – so, pretty much everything that Arie isn’t, and this isn’t really going very well. Becca’s mom has trouble giving her blessing. Everyone’s pleasant, but come on, there’s no chance he chooses Becca in the end. Becca tells Arie, “You keep blowing my mind and stealing pieces of my heart.” That’s a good line; looks like the Interns were particularly inspired that day.

Lauren in Virginia Beach, VA – When Mom Face Makes Dad Face Look Friendly

A jump-hug leads straight to horseback riding, and man, the cinematography stepped up a notch for this date. It’s almost like The Producers are loading up on footage for the “Journey of Love” montage at the end of the season.

I mean, really? This scene’s ready for voiceover: “It was a difficult journey at times, but in the end it was worth it because I found the love of life…”

Arie and Lauren eat some shellfish before meeting the family, which doesn’t strike me as the best idea, and then off to Lauren’s house.

Holy crap…

So, Arie. You ever been around a military family? Nope. You like to play golf? Nope. Aren’t you from Scottsdale? Well, yeah. But you voted for McCain, right? Uhhh… You ready to settle down with my daughter? EXCUSE ME OMIGOD I NEED TO GO TOWEL OFF MY PITS.

Don’t make me angry, Arie. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

She’s wound a little tight; I’d hate to see her unhappy face. To call Mom skeptical would be an understatement. Dad, on the other hand, turns out to be alright. A former military pilot, he finds out Arie went to Iraq to visit the troops and he warms up quickly. Though I love it when Arie finishes that story with “that was kinda off topic.” Dude, that couldn’t be any more on topic if you tried. He probably had it written on his hand – “Tell Iraq story to dad”.

Lauren talks with mom. “I’ve never dated someone that was so like me. It’s so real. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like so totally real. Never before, ever.” And mom gives Lauren some more Mom Face, maybe because I read somewhere that Lauren’s been engaged twice before already, and Mom might have heard this exact same speech before. A quick maul session for Lauren and Arie, and back to LA.

Rose Ceremony

Hi Chris!

Another tough week at work, baby. I’m just riding that gravy train….

That man doesn’t have a care in the world. Arie, not so much. “Tonight’s gonna be hard. I feel a little sick.”

Lovely Better Half: If that was my kid, he’d get a haircut.

Me: I’d shear him like a Shaun the Sheep.

Line up ladies. Arie starts stumbling through his speech, then says, “Give me a minute, this is so difficult for me”, and runs off to find a bucket to yak in.

Difficult for you? How do you think we feel?

What’s Lauren doing with her mouth? Looks like she’s thinking about something else entirely, like “Do I want pizza or sushi for dinner? Sushi’s probably healthier, but pizza sounds good right now. Hmmm…” Then Arie pulls Kendall aside because he’s insecure and he needs reassurance, and eventually Chris Harrison uses a cattle prod to get Arie back in the room and we can start.

A Fantasy Suite Awaits, aka Who Do I Want to Hook Up With the Most:

Becca – How do you like them apples?

Lauren – Will you except this rose? Yeah like sure whatever…

Kylie I mean Kendall – If you call out my sister’s name in the Fantasy Suite, I’m stuffing you.

And it’s a very sad goodbye to Tia.

Tia: Give me a reason! Anything!

Arie: I’m afraid of owls.

LBH and I were talking, and the best thing Tia gets out of this experience is she’ll realize she deserves a nice guy. She’s smart, cool, fun, cute, and she doesn’t need to tolerate having a complete dick in her life. Plus there’s a 90% chance she’s the next Bachelorette, so she’ll be just fine.

Next week (or, tonight actually…), we’re off to Peru for… Romantic Overnight Dates? What the hell is that? Is Fantasy Suite too racy? Who knows, but if Caroline’s accusation during Women Tell All is any indication, tonight should be good. See ya then, my friends.

And now, dead rats make out in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, no thanks…