Tonight, on The Bachelor! Tuscany, ciao bella, bicycles, food family & love, some little doubts, no hesitations, and tears, tears, tears. Let’s kick things off in Pisa!

Wait – is the tower really leaning, or are we just standing on a hill?

Chris Harrison makes an early appearance for the second week in a row – clearly the international locations get a little extra effort from our gallant host. Give us the rundown, you worldly, handsome devil, you. Hometowns are next week and there will be no Rose Ceremony. Three 1-on-1 dates and a Group Date, Roses up for grabs the whole time – high tension drama! Let’s get this show on the road.

Becca K 1-on-1 – Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun

That Becca K is excited is understatement, because she hasn’t been on a shopping spree since Week 2, and mama thinks a few pairs of Italian shoes sounds pretty tasty right now. Arie comes to whisk her away…

Becca: OMIGOD YOU BOUGHT ME A CAR!!

Arie: Umm, wut?

…and off they go through the Italian countryside to the quaint town of Barga.

Why does Arie always look so serious when he’s driving. This isn’t Indy, you’re not going 200 miles an hour – relax, dude. Try a smile on for size…

Picnic and talk:

Arie: I want to move forward with you.

Becca: I want more swag.

Arie: Huh?

Becca: I mean, I’m really glad I’m still here because I’m having feelings I haven’t felt before and if I had left I would have regretted it, because you’re worth sticking around for.

Arie: Cool.

And fingers are rubbed, hair is grabbed and lips are licked. Arie’s pulling out all the moves for this maul session.

It’s like he has 7 hands and 2 tongues…

Night arrives and Becca would happily bring Arie back to Minnesota, which is exactly what he wants to hear. A Rose for Becca and Arie breaks out his signature make-out-against-a-wall move he patented during Emily Maynard’s season. This date is like a greatest hits collection.

Becca: This hurts the back of my head.

Arie: Shhh…we need to do this, it’s kind of my thing…

The Collapse of Jacqueline

Meanwhile, back in Florence, Jacqueline is falling apart.

Jacqueline: Everyone is so sure of their feelings and I’m still not sure and I don’t want to introduce him to my family and if I’m not ready for that am I ready for marriage and I’m scared of spending my life with this guy!

Kendall: Yeah, you should tell Arie ALL of that…

And so she does. A knock on Arie’s door…

Jacqueline: Arie, I need to talk to you.

Arie: Uh-huh, well, the thing is  I was making out with Becca all day and she got me pretty wound up but we’re still 3 weeks away from Fantasy Suites and I kinda got left hanging, so I was just, you know… cleaning the pipes, so to speak. Can you wait like 3 minutes?

… and Jacqueline tells Arie ALL of it. “Part of me is falling for you but not enough to introduce you to my family so I’m going home, no wait, I’m going to make out with you first and then cry and then make out with you some more and then I’ll go.”

Ok, that’s all I needed to say. You can go back to jackin’ the beanstalk….

Tears in the hall, tears in the lobby, tears in the room. Whatever, if Jacqueline has second thoughts, she’ll have a chance to nail him down After the Final Rose. Hey, weirder shit has happened.

Lauren 1-on-1 Date – Let’s Break Down Our Walls

Welcome to Lucca, where Arie and Lauren ride bikes in silence, eat gelato in silence, walk to the top of a building in silence, and stare at their pizza in silence.

Arie: Lauren’s still walking next to me, right? It’s hard to know when she’s around…

Arie brings up hometowns, but that conversation lasts two sentences before dying off, so The Producers throw a few Euros at some local kids for an impromptu soccer game.

Thank god we don’t have to talk anymore…

Nighttime, and let’s see if we can coax a word or three from Lauren’s pursed lips.

Arie: So, hometowns are next week and I’d really like to meet your family.

Lauren: Fun.

Arie: But, before I can feel confident moving forward with you, I need to learn more about you.

Lauren: Yes.

Arie: Right. And in order to do that, it’s important that you’re able to let your guard down and open up just a little bit more than you have so far.

Lauren: Mm-hmm.

Arie: So, you know… now would be a good time to speak more than one syllable.

Lauren: You’re nice. And different.

Arie: That’s it? That’s all you got?

Lauren: Ummm…. I guess I’m starting to fall in love with you? Kind of?

And then Arie walks out the door. What just happened?

Ok, NOT feeling great about opening up right now. Someone needs to teach that boy about positive reinforcement…

Not to worry, Lauren. Arie’s not running away, he just needed a moment to catch his breath because he started hyperventilating and peed a little when you used the L-word. Look, he’s coming back now! “I’m so sorry, I just needed a moment because I’m feeling things I haven’t felt in a really long time, and my biggest fear is getting burned but I’m just falling so deeply in love with you, I can’t understand why my feelings are so strong but they are and will you take this Rose? Please say yes and I love you and never leave me you’re the greatest I love you.”

Have I mentioned I was the top producing salesperson in my region three years running? I can pretty much make Arie do anything…

What is going on with Arie? He’s 36, Lauren’s 25, she has no personality, they have nothing in common and she’s not into him in the slightest. No doubt she’s hot, but at 36 years old, Arie should be able to make a decision without his johnson taking the lead. I have no clue why he is bending over backwards to force a relationship with this girl.

Oh….

On second thought, I feel pretty confident Arie picks Lauren B in the end, and I’m equally confident there’s zero chance of it lasting more than a month.

Seinne 1-on-1 – I’m Searching For the One

Whoa, a truffle hunt! Don’t you need pigs for this?

Nope! Just a pair of cute little fuzzy-wuzzy truffle puppies!

Great, now Lovely Better Half wants another dog. Like our house isn’t enough of a circus tent now, we need to add an obsessive-compulsive truffle hunter that’s going to dig up the entire back yard. Anyways, the hunt is on, and afterwards everyone meets at Giulio’s house for fresh pasta and truffles while Arie and Seinne get the third degree about their relationship from the Italians. And man, I’m hungry for some Italian food right now.

I want to eat with these people every single day. Italy is the best….

On to the night portion of our date, and Arie and Seinne seem to hit a few stumbling blocks, namely 1) She’s out of his league, and 2) Seinne’s not sure she wants to leave Newport Beach for Scottsdale, and I can’t say that I blame her. Seinne’s not ready to do the family thing, Arie thinks they should be further along, everyone’s pretty much on the same page. No Rose for Seinne, see you in Paradise.

Arie: I wish you the best.

Seinne: Honey, ‘The Best’ is leaving…

Group Date – Meet Me at Villa Reale

That’s not a very clever date card. How about “Things Are About to Get Reale” or “Villa You Take-a Me Home-a”? Is it really that hard? Do they leave the Interns at home during the international part of the show? Whatever. Bekah, Tia, and Kendal square off for the final two Roses. Good luck, ladies.

Tia wins the outfit battle. Kendall looks a little Forever 21, and Bekah borrowed that skirt from Giulio the Truffle King’s mother. That chyron below Bekah, though. Tell me THAT’S a coincedence…

A toast and then some talking. First up is Kendall – tell us about your family! “My family is great. I had everyone stuffed a few years ago and I set up a life-sized diorama in my garage. Everyone’s gathered around the dining table, dad’s getting to ready to carve a turkey. I call it Thanksgiving in Still Life. Anyway, they’re not going anywhere – obviously! – so I can totally move to Scottsdale and fly back to see them whenever I get homesick. Or even better, I can have the whole thing moved to your place!”

Tia feels it’s her duty to tell Arie that Bekah isn’t serious about finding love. aka ‘here for the right reasons’. Oh, Tia, don’t be that girl. Don’t be the snitch. Oh no, she’s telling him…

I totally don’t care. I am thinking about giving Bekah your Rose now, though…

Tia tells Bekah she threw her under the bus and Bekah cries and Tia feels bad, which she should because that’s a shitty thing to do. Of course, all she really succeeded in doing was driving Bekah straight into Arie’s comforting arms.

Bekah:  I just want to be seen for who I am, and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care about you. I talk to my family all the time and tell them everything that’s going on.

Arie: Everything? You’re not breaking the non-disclosure agreement, are you?

Time to hand out the first Rose and the winner is Kendall! I would love to meet your taxidermy family. Into the night, and they are really dragging this date out. And seriously, does Bekah own a single bra? I never thought that I, of all people, would get tired of seeing nipples, but you know what? I’ve seen enough.

Everyone talks to everyone some more and the only real question is whether or not Arie mauls both of them when he knows he’s sending one of them home. Disappointingly, he does, proving once and for all that Little Arie is calling the shots this season. Arie and the girls talk about how much they trust each other, which makes Lovely Better Half and I laugh a little. Like, every time I ask her, “Do you trust me?”, she says “Fuck no!”

Finally the time has arrived to complete our Final Foursome. Arie throws up under the table, hyperventilates into a paper bag for 4 minutes and then says, “Tia, will you accept this Rose?”

Sure, y’all…

And that’s it. Bekah gets a super-quick goodbye, and she manages to hold it together until the car pulls away and then all hell breaks loose.

It’s hard to accept that this journey is over for me!

But it’s not, Bekah! I’d bet my last dollar you’re going to Paradise. Your journey’s just beginning, baby!

And the Final Four is set: Becca K, Lauren B, Kendall, and Tia. I had both Becca & Bekah, Kendall and Krystal, proving once again I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’d have a better average if I just closed my eyes and pointed randomly at the cast page on the Bachelor website.

Next week, hometowns, taxidermy, some nervous moms, and a whole lotta dads that aren’t down with ANY of this. Arie better be nervous.

I’ll fuckin’ kill him…

I believe that man with all my heart. See ya next week, my friends.

 

And now, an Italian chef steals Arie’s date.

Ok, paisan – we’re fine with just the pasta, you can keep the extracurriculars to yourself…