Last week, on The Bachelor! No, wait… Two weeks ago, on The Bachelor! Hold on, am I on week 5 or 6? Week 7 is tonight? Ugh, so far behind….

(Note: do not, under any circumstances, get a flu shot. I didn’t so much as sneeze during the entire flu season, and then I let my pediatrician guilt me into getting one. The very next day, I was laid out. Five days later, my condition was raised to ‘warmed-over-death’, and I could finally move again. The flu shot is a scam. Since then, however, I’ve just been lazy, and have zero excuses for not posting. Sorry. But I was really sick in the beginning, I swear.)

Anyways, I have all these pictures from Week 5 and I can’t let them go to waste, so here’s a quick rundown:

Off to Fort Lauderdale, and here’s a picture of the ladies right before a 12-Bachelorette-Pile-up:

WE’RE GOING TOO FAST HOLD MY HAND OMIGOD!!

Chelsea gets a boat date, and some extra-cheesy lines from The Writers as a bonus:

“I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also WITH a dreamboat,” Really, Chelsea?

And the girls look on from the balcony:

How is there a pair of binoculars or a telescope in every hotel room?

Maquel is back! And everyone takes a break from hammering Bekah for being WAY too young at the age of 22, so they can squeal and hug Maquel and ignore the fact that she’s 23.

But like guys, I’ve matured SO much in the past 12 months…

Chelsea married a guy that was crazy loaded, then he bailed on her when her kid was 6 months old, and she raised her on her own. Arie says, “Wow, you have a lot of baggage – I mean, that must have been difficult for you. You’re so strong (Thanks!), but I don’t want to waste your time (Uh-oh), so here’s a Rose (wut?).” And now, let’s watch Tennille Arts.

Tennille Aris? Ten Heel Hearts? Who are these people?

There’s a group date, but for the purposes of this episode, it’s mainly Krystal. “There’s Not a Moment to Spare” and Arie actually does a pretty good Big Lebowski reenactment.

Krystal leads a pre-bowling prayer:

Why is this chick praying for her dog…?

And apparently God listens to Krystal, because her team wins, and the losing team has to go back to the hotel. Then again, maybe not:

Hey guys! I know you lost, but the eventual winner is in this room, so I’m making an exception…

You cool with that, Krystal?

Krystal thinks Arie is a liar and he can’t keep his word and she’ll never be able to trust again and her shit is packed. Kendall tries to understand why Krystal would ever voluntarily leave.

Lauren B: Dude, Kendall, she said her shit is packed. Let. Her. Go.

Krystal explains to Arie how badly he fucked things up between them. Arie’s response is predictable.

Yeah, I got like 10 women downstairs who all want me and I don’t really need the drama, so why don’t you spend the night alone, mm-kay pumpkin?

And Bekah makes this face:

Seriously, Krystal’s giving ME shit for being immature? Whatever; got my vodka, got my olive, I’m goooood….

Group Date Rose to Lauren B. Off to Everglades on an airboat with Tia. Oh look, a gator!

Why are you leaning TOWARDS the edge of the boat?

And then dinner in a converted bait shop:

Arie: I’m so glad you can be yourself here!

Tia: You know I live in a major city and have a Phd, right?

Arie: I know, it’s crazy, you’re so backwoods!

Tia: Are you serious? You barely graduated high school…

I love how The Producers are beating the redneck narrative to death with Tia when she’s like 100 times more sophisticated than Arie. I don’t think she even likes him that much, but she knows she needs another couple weeks before she can punch her ticket to Paradise, so she lets Arie creep on her for a Rose.

Eee-eee-eee…look me in the eye while I massage your shoulder and feel your hair….eee-eee…

Come on – even the most die-hard Arie fans have to admit he gets a little creepy sometimes. The cocktail party arrives, and Krystal has been spending some quality time with Krystal.

I wasn’t hiding in my room all day. I wasn’t! I was investing in myself and growing from the struggle…

Uh-huh. I’m using that line next time Lovely Better Half catches me drinking bourbon and playing air-guitar at 2am. “I was investing in myself, baby.” But Krystal ‘s not crazy. Annoying and self-obsessed, but not crazy. You know who’s crazy? Kendall.

Kendall: If you were visiting a tribe of cannibals, would you eat human flesh?

Arie: Come again?

Krystal’s dropping glitter, and I have no idea what that means because I’m too old to be watching this show. Then she talks to Arie, and says the group date brought up bad memories because she grew up in a bowling alley.

Ok. I want to bang her, but she’s clearly nuts. What do I do….?

I mean, come on, “I grew up in a bowling alley”? Maybe I’d buy it from Annaliese, Queen of Childhood Trauma, but Krystal’s just making shit up at this point, right? Then, she describes herself as “futuristic” and I’ve officially turned the corner on Krystal; she needs to go, ASAFP. Anywho, there’s a Rose Ceremony:

Chelsea, Lauren B and Tia are Pre-Rosed.

Bekah M

Seinne

Kendall

Becca K

Jacqueline

Jenna

Krystal

So, it’s goodbye to Ashley, Marikh and Maquel. Then, we close with old ladies talking about sex in the bowling alley.

Have you grabbed him by the honker yet? That’s how we caught ’em back in my day. We’d just latch on and never let go!

Just, ewww…..

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Which brings us to Week 6 – Paris, City of Lights, Bekah is still 22, apologies are demanded, and Krystal is wife material…. for someone other than Arie.

Chelsea is so excited to be in her favorite city: France

Chris Harris actually shows up in the first 3 minutes this episode – I guess Paris earns more face time than Fort Lauderdale – for a sit and a chat in the park with Arie.

Arie: I really like a lot of these girls. Not just the young ones, but the really young ones, too.

Chris: Are you surprised you have feelings for more than one woman?

Arie: Well, I’ve always wanted to sleep with all of ’em, I just didn’t think I’d actually care.

Chris: Alrighty then…That’s my cue to go…

We have a packed episode tonight, folks: two 1-on-1 dates, a group date, and the dreaded 2-on-1, which if you’ve been paying attention, will be between Krystal and somebody else. First up:

Lauren 1-on-1 – Tomber Amoureux a’ Paris

That’s French for, “let’s walk around Paris in dead silence”, which is exactly what they do. They couldn’t have less to talk about if they spoke different languages. They ride a boat in silence, walk around in silence, and then sit on a bench so they can spend some time not getting to know each other. Then Arie tells the camera, “I don’t know if she’s into me.” Yeah, we also don’t know if Lauren is into Paris, chocolate, boats, walking, breathing air, or puppies, because she doesn’t fucking speak.

Nighttime in the cone of silence, and Arie toasts to an amazing day. Then Lauren tells him that it’s hard for her to open up and every relationship she’s ever had has started out as friends for 6 months. And Arie spits out his drink, because when Lauren says “friend-zone for 6 months”, Arie hears “no chance I’m going to the Fantasy Suite with you.” Nevertheless, Arie thinks she’s really hot and he desperately wants to make it work, so he babbles his way straight into TMI territory.

“So I was with a girl for about 2 years and she had two kids from a previous relationship and then she got pregnant with my kid but I was always off racing and then one weekend when I was gone she lost the baby and she called me and told me what happened while I was on the road and said she was leaving and she and her kids would be gone by the time I got home so I understand how it’s hard to trust people and please like me now.”

Damn, dude, that got dark fast. And I’m still not sleeping with you in the Fantasy Suite…

But again, even though every part of her screams ‘I am not into you!’, Arie thinks Lauren is really, really, hot, so a Rose for Lauren despite the fact there is zero chance this ever works out in real life.

Group Date – Let’s Get All Dressed Up

I guess the Interns hit the limits of their French. Becca K, Seinne, Bekah M, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna – off to the Moulin Rouge. So, the girls take turns parading around on stage and whoever gets the Rose later that night performs with Arie in the live Moulin Rouge production. I don’t know; the whole day portion of this date seems a little pointless, except that everyone hopes Seinne wins, because she’s a trained dancer (OF COURSE she is…) and no one else knows how to dance.

Nighttime is the right time to talk to the ladies:

Tia:  “I like you.” Arie: “I like you, too.” Snooze….

Bekah M: “I was a little jealous this week, which is weird, because I wouldn’t even be here if that marijuana farm job didn’t fall through.” Wait, you haven’t heard? (Of course you have, but just in case you’re the one person that watches The Bachelor and doesn’t know, just google ‘Bekah missing person marijuana farm’)

Seinne: “I know a little French.” Arie: “Really?”

Seinne: Yeah, really! I also speak German, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, Mandarin, Thai, Swedish, and Japanese, but I’m only completely fluent in like 5 of them.

Arie: You’re so much better than me.

Seinne: I know…

The Group Date Rose goes to Bekah. She and Arie prance around stage for about 10 seconds while Arie lip-synchs in French, badly. The rest of the ladies are thrilled with the show.

LOL. The body language in that picture is off the charts….

Krystal vs Kendall – 2 Women, 1 Rose, 1 Stays, 1 Goes

Off to the French countryside for a chateau and perchance a little foreshadowing?

Arie is awfully handsy with Kendall, not so much with Krystal…

A little wander through a maze, and Arie and Krystal sit down to talk.

Krystal: Sorry I didn’t come to you first last week. I should communicate more honestly with you.

Arie: I’m glad you’re willing to work on th-

Krystal: Shut it, I wasn’t finished. Kendall isn’t ready for marriage and she doesn’t like you so pick me, ok? OK?! Thank you you’re so sweet!

Needless to say, Kendall isn’t thrilled about getting thrown under the bus, so she tries to connect with Krystal on an emotional level. “You know, I dated someone like you before.”

Yeah right, you mean someone perfect and like totally next-level? Bitch, please, people like me don’t date people like you…

Lovely Better Half is officially over Krystal, and ladies, when you’ve lost LBH, it’s time  for you to pack your shit. Night arrives, and with it comes a cold, nervous sweat on Arie’s brow. He knows Krystal is full-blown crazeballs, and he is not looking forward to what he has to do. He gives the Rose to Kendall, and while deliberately avoiding eye contact, he lists all the reasons why, while Krystal looks on and commits every word to memory for her eventual revenge.

Oh, Kendall‘s been vulnerable, huh? Ok, that’s nice to hear, what else? You have a stronger connection with her? Uh-huh, that’s so sweet, keep talking, Arie. By the way, I’ve been to your house. Oh yeah, I bet you remember that date now, huh? I know where you live, motherfucker, and I see you sweating through your shirt. You better change your address, change your name. Your father better move back to the Netherlands, like yesterday. Look at me, Arie; look me in the eye. Oh, you won’t do it now, but you will some day. Maybe not next week or next month, but you’re gonna see me again. And when you do, it’s gonna be ON, bitch…

And with that, Krystal is left to fight her way back to civilization from… Paris? Which isn’t that bad, considering people have been left on islands, in deserts, and in the middle of random forests. Krystal can grab a latte and an Uber and she’s fine. As for Arie and Kendall, they go to the top of the Eiffel tower, where Arie promptly yaks over the railing because he knows he’s spending the rest of his life looking over his shoulder as Krystal hunts him down.

Jacqueline 1-on-1 – Umm, Let’s Go For a Drive? Was there a date card?

A city tour in a classic British sports car!

So fun! Yay!

Which ends like every drive in a classic British sports car: broken down in the first 10 feet. They look cool, but man they run like shit. So a cab ride to a shopping spree – well, Arie buys Jacqueline one dress. One. Apparently they blew the entire season’s wardrobe budget on Becca K’s first 1-on-1 date. I think that’s why she’s still around; The Producers are hoping to get a few of those dresses back.

They sit down for the dinner that never gets eaten, and Arie tells Jacqueline that he was nervous when he met her because he thought she “was too intelligent” for him.

Jacqueline: Hahaha, you’re so funny, Arie. Oh wait – you’re not joking. Sorry, I forget you drive in circles for a living.

Arie: Nope, not joking. You’re like real smart and good with words and stuff and I was scared…

Jacqueline needs another 6 years to finish her Phd. Arie tells her that if she doesn’t pursue her dreams, not only will it be a burden on her, but it’ll be burden on him, and Lovely Better Half and I look at each other and say, at the exact same time, “Where did this guy come from? Jinx!” This is like the deepest thing Arie has said all season. He would never want Jacqueline to give up on her dreams, and I’m waiting for her to get sent home, but apparently the one thing worth giving your dreams up for is a relationship with Arie, so here’s a Rose.

We both know I’m leaving to get my Phd, but whatever. I don’t start school until September so let’s just make out…

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

Arie knows what he wants to do, plus he’s been dry-heaving all day after sending Krystal home and he still has to arrange witness protection for his entire family, so it’s a no-go on the cocktail party.

Chris: I know you ladies were expecting a cocktail party, but I’ve spent the past 48 hours contacting my underworld connections to ferry Arie’s family out of the country and create new lives somewhere far away where Krystal can never find them. I’ve had to call in a lot of favors and it’s taken some time, so we’re going straight to the Rose Ceremony…

Arie: Thank you , Chris.

Chris: You owe me, Arie. Someday I will ask a favor of you. When I ask you this favor, you cannot refuse…

Let’s roll. Jacqueline, Bekah M, Kendall, and Lauren B are holding. Coming along for the ride:

Tia – She’s friends with Raven, but has an owl tattoo on her arm. Doesn’t it seem like there’s a drunken spring-break-gone-wrong story there somewhere? Like, “What is that! My best friend’s name isn’t ‘owl’, it’s Raven!” “Lady, you pointed at a picture of a bird, I gave you a bird. That’s a $165.”

Seinne – S’il vous plait Bachelor in Paradise?

Becca K – The girl who got the Pretty Woman treatment in Week 1 has been left hanging for the past 5 episodes.

And that means goodbye to Chelsea and Jenna. Hardly knew ye. Next week, off to Tuscany! Leaning towers, wine, bikes, Bekah cries, Jacqueline cries, Lauren cries, Kendall cries, and Arie cries. SO much fun…

 

And now, Arie and Lauren dance. And that’s all I got. Probably the most boring finish in 5 years of doing this. Holy shit, have I been doing this for 5 years? Don’t mind me, I’m having a come-to-Jesus moment right now…