Tonight, on an all new Bachelor: Tahoe, bears, horses, hot tubs, Krystal is the voice of reason and reality in the house (uh-huh…), and there’s a 14 YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ARIE AND BEKAH! How do we know? Because the girls repeat it like 8,000 times in two hours.

Caroline: Hey, did you know there’s a 14 year age difference between Arie and Bekah?

Lauren B: I know! I mean, there’s an 11 year difference between Arie and me, but 14 is just way too much…

A few takeaways from this dramatic revelation. 1) I had Bekah at a lot younger than 22. I think I breathed a sigh of relief at one point. 2) The average age of the girls left is a little over 26 (a 10 year difference with Arie), so all of them are still squarely in the ‘can I see your ID’ category. 3) Maquel is only 23, and I don’t see anyone getting on her case about it.

So yeah, 22 would’ve been too young for me when I was 36, but Bekah’s age bothers me a lot less this week than last. I think the real story is the entire group of ladies is pretty young this year, especially for Arie at 36. Of course, Peter would’ve been 32, which adds a little perspective to the casting, no? But hey, I’m sure Arie was the choice all along. As always, what do I know…

Anywho, Chris Harrison shows up to give the weekly rundown.

He’s so dreamy…yes, Chris, I DO want to be a millionaire….

Goodbye, Bachelor Mansion! Hello, South Lake Tahoe!

Bears scare me, but not as much as the thought of Kendall hunting it down with a club and a sharpened stick and putting it on her wall…

But first, a Date Card:

Seinne 1-on-1 – Let’s Let Our Love Soar

I think I’ve been spelling Seinne’s name wrong all season – that’s embarrassing. Our young couple goes parasailing on Lake Tahoe while the girls spy from the distance.

Ashley: Is that their boat?

Lauren: Boat? I thought they were para-soaring?

Tia: I think I see a tree, y’all!

Seinne and Arie have a picnic on the beach. Seinne hasn’t been in love in a while, and she’s not ready to use the L-word yet. Arie’s learned more about Seinne in 20 seconds than the other girls in 5 minutes, and when you live your life a quarter mile at a time, 5 minutes can be an eternity. Of course, there’s some mauling because why not, plus we get to see Arie’s underwear.

I like you, Seinne. You know so many, like, words and stuff…btw, what’s that arrow pointing to?

Dinner and conversation at the Hard Rock South Lake, and let’s dive into the witty repartee:

Seinne: [breaking the ice] You’ll have to teach me how to wink because, weirdly, I don’t know how and you’re really good at winking.

Arie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Seinne: uh, ok… So, you say you’ve been single since The Bachelorette. Why is that?

Arie: I like Emily. My heart broke. Me sad.

Seinne: Yeah, I can understand that. My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship when I was young, and I built defense mechanisms from an early age to ensure I wouldn’t be hurt, and it’s hard for me to be vulnerable sometimes.

Arie: Vulnerable good….

Seinne: Uh-huh. It’s just that, for me, I didn’t have that real life role model for how a loving relationship should work. Plus, being a black woman in America, there weren’t a lot of fairy tales in popular culture that showed girls that looked like me.

Arie: [eyes glazing over] uuunnngghh….

Seinne: Yeah, sooo… you know, growing up, it was hard for me to envision myself in my own fairy tale romance, and that’s made me perhaps more guarded than I needed to be.

Arie: Me happy you here.

Seinne: [sigh] Yeah, I’m happy to be here, too…

Why is Seinne carrying literally the entire conversation? Oh, that’s right, it’s because she went to Yale while Arie barely made it through high school and drives in circles for a living. It’s kinda painful listening to Arie talk, and then Lovely Better Half points out that The Producers edit the footage to make him look as good as possible. This is Arie’s highlight reel, folks. I can’t imagine the stuff that got cut. Does he just say “That’s rad” a lot? Is he drooling on himself? I want the lost footage. But he is impressed by Seinne, as he should be: “There’s so much depth to her, it’s like swimming in… something deep.” Rose for Seinne, plus One More Surprise!

Me: Who the fu-?

LBH: Is it pronounced like Falco?

Me: I think it’s Lain-co. Like, LAAAY…

LBH: No, it’s like Falco. FALLL…

Me: This guy’s not German.

LBH: Falco was Austrian.

Me: OOOhhhh, you’re so European…

Maquel’s Gotta Go

Maquel’s grandfather passes away, and she needs to leave for the funeral. It’s actually pretty sad, and I don’t have a joke here. Marikh thinks Arie will be totally understanding and might let Maquel come back. I think Arie’s cutting people left and right, and the less he has to think about it, the better. This is the last we see of Maquel.

Group Date – Will Our Love Survive?

Chelsea, Krystal, Becca K, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, Brittany, and Caroline. Which means Bekah gets the 1-on-1 date, and Krystal points out that there’s a 14 year age difference because Arie and Bekah are 14 years apart and no one’s mentioned it in the past minute and a half, so thanks Krystal. Let’s gather in the mountains for a little adventure, and apparently Bachelor Season 22 is the year of the scarf.

Did you tie your scarf in a fashion forward way that does nothing to keep you warm? Me too!

Kendall’s excited to be in nature.

I’m definitely keeping my eye out for a bear. I’d like to stuff one of those. Also beaver. I remember Arie telling me he wanted a beaver…

Yeah, I made that joke 2 weeks ago, I don’t care; it still makes me laugh. We meet up with a green beret/survival instructor, and the first challenge of the day is to drink our own pee. Marikh, restaurateur and avid health code enthusiast, is not down for that.

I think Ghandi used to drink his own pee when he was fasting. He said it was nutritious or something. You know what? I’m not Ghandi…

Next up, eating bugs! And Tia is a little too excited for this part.

OMIGOD it’s like Thanksgiving and July 4th had a baby and gave it up for adoption to Spring Break!

I mean, she’s really fired up to eat some bugs. Next, three teams follow a map to a secret location in the woods. Arie’s team wins, because The Producers told him where to go ahead of time. Another team works together well, comes in second. The third team is a train wreck, and arrives way after everyone else. Totally unpredictable television. The secret location, you ask?

Hey! What took you guys so long? What do you mean Lauren B got mauled by a bear?

Night time at the Edgewood Tahoe, and Krystal talks some more about her relationship with Arie but I plug my ears because I’ve reached my 24 hour dosage limit of listening to Krystal’s voice. Seriously, I can’t imagine a lifetime of listening to this woman speak.

Lauren B is trying to open up more, while Arie tries to get her to focus on sucking face.

I get it, you’re an affectionate guy, but I’m literally in the middle of my sentence here…

Kendall: “I’ve always wanted to eat bugs, so this date was like a dream. I also have a stuffed duckling named Ping.” Arie: “Great. Let’s make out.”

He’s doing more weird shit with his fingers. I did this to Lovely Better Half in the car today and she hit me. We have two children together and she thinks this is an invasion of her personal space.

Chelsea absolutely slays a Krystal impersonation and WTF I love Chelsea now.

Tia is worried that Arie has feelings for other women. He soothes her feelings by kissing her and petting her hair.

Why are you sticking your finger in my ear?

Krystal: “I’m like a mix of emotions because like I’m excited for our connection but it’s hard being on a group date even though like we had a 1-on-1 date, but it like totes weighs on me a lot and it was stressful to see them in the hot tub and I can see they’re threatened by people like me because I like come across soooo perfect but like people can be so judgmental and I like wouldn’t be here if like I didn’t like you. Like.” Yup, just the thing someone ‘confident in her relationship’ would say.

Caroline: “If Krystal gets the Rose, Tia’s gonna speedbag her face.” Line of the night.

Group Date Rose to Tia, and Krystal is confused again. I feel like her confusion grows every day.

Bekah 1-on-1 – I’m Looking For A Stable Relationship

Our date starts with a jump-hug and goes straight into horseback riding. Arie: “Bekah is so full of life. And she challenges me. And she’s super-mature.” Like, super-duper, Arie? He says mature an awful lot on this date, so you know he knows she’s young. It’s just a question of how young. Well, at least she’s old enough to make out with in a hot tub. Bekah asks Arie about some scars on his shoulder, and he tells her about a car crash he was involved in, and for a moment, Arie is talking a mile-a-minute and he’s more animated than he’s been all season. This guy can talk about something besides cars, right? Are we sure?

With the setting sun comes a romantic dinner filled with discovery, and Arie says ‘mature’ about 25 more times while talking about how intrigued he is with Bekah. He definitely knows.

Arie: So, do you think you’re ready for marriage? [2nd time asking that question, btw]

Bekah: I’ve never met the right person before, so how would I know if I’m ready?

Arie: Yeah. It’s just, I know I’m ready. Maybe my life is a little boring now, but I like boring. Like, do you go out a lot?

Bekah: I like rock climbing with my girlfriends.

Arie: But I mean ‘out’ out. Like going partying, and clubbing, and to Coachella and Burning Man and traveling around Europe with a backpack and sleeping on floors in hostels and drinking until 5am and getting up 2 hours later and doing shots and then getting on a train to Pamplona so you can pound Sangria for 12 hours and run with the bulls. Like that kind of going out.

Bekah: Wait, do you know how old I am?

Arie: That’s kinda what I’m getting at.

Bekah: I’m 22.

Oh man, I don’t know if I can explain this one to my friends…

Arie’s first response? “I know it’s possible to love deeply at that age.” He’s already talking to her like her dad. Arie’s worried Bekah isn’t ready for marriage. He’s worried she’ll be in a different place in 5 years, that she’s too young to make a lifelong commitment. Above all, he wants to know she’s lived enough life before settling down. So, he gives her a Rose – you know, one more step in tying her down before she’s ready. Then, Arie uses her earrings as a bracelet.

Seriously, what’s he doing with his fingers? He makes out like a teenager who got all his moves from a Twilight fanfiction website…

Arie doesn’t want to get to the end of this process and have his heart broken, so he’s going “to guard [his] heart a little bit.” Dude – you’re 36, she’s 22, and you’re dating 14 other women. Quit acting like you’re the one that’s gonna get burned.

Cocktail Party

If I’m standing here, you know what that means, ladies: we sent the bartender home early and the cleaning crew’s awaitin’. LINE UP!

Rose Ceremony

Arie: There’s clarity. Um. I’m hopeful…

Krystal: Can I talk to you for a sec?

Arie: Yes, please get me out of here.

Don’t worry, we’ll just wait here. Take ALL the time you need, Krystal…

Krystal wants to let Arie know she’s not here to play games. Except for right now, at this very moment, when she’s literally playing games. Besides that, though, she’s above board. Okay, on with the show.

Moving On:

Seinne, Tia, and Bekah M have Roses

Lauren B – not seeing this, probably gone next week

Kendall – Final Four

Ashley – The only thing I’ve heard her say is ‘yes’ when Arie hands her a Rose

Becca K – “Sorry, I’m a little sweaty right now.” Come again? Final Four

Chelsea – the early frontrunner for drama queen kinda fell off in the past two weeks

Jenna – foot massage girl from first night? Hasn’t done much since

Jacqueline – who looks surprised. Not as surprised as me

Marikh – Restaurant owner/pee avoider/not Ghandi

Krystal – She’s in the Final Four along with Kendall and Bekah/Becca. The Producers can’t let the only drama of the season leave.

Moving Out:

Caroline – Should’ve said that ‘speedbag’ line in front of Arie. That was legit funny.

Brittany – “I want to find someone, like SOON.” Brittany wants a man and a family and babies now.

Next week, we’re off to Fort Lauderdale, with jet skis and boats, and Krystal drinking all day long and shooting her mouth off. See you then, my friends.

 

And now. Marikh feels glam-shamed, but Chelsea is firmly pro-glam. It’s all one big misunderstanding.