It’s finally here, Bachelorette fans! A night 12 weeks in the making! Will Nick see his season-long plans come to fruition? Will Josh finally find a plus-one to share his Kansas City Chiefs season tickets with? (“Can’t WAIT for my little brother’s football games! I’m PUMPED!”) And will Andi’s journey of love end in a Tearful-Super-Frowny face or the mother of all Open-Mouth-Happy faces? Let’s find out! After sitting through the opening previews, I’m sticking with Nick as the winner, only because of the ring:

It doesn’t look enough like a Superbowl ring to come from Josh. I can picture Josh’s ring now: 3 sizes too big with diamond baseballs and footballs around the outside, and a gigantic ‘A.M.’ in the middle. Not for Andi Murray, but for Aaron Murray. And, nice opening monologue, Chris Harrison! Does he read these things like a Madlib, and just insert new names into the same introduction every year?

We open with the live studio audience, and I immediately scan the crowd for the stalker girl from Men Tell All. I’d love it if she was like some 1960’s-style Bachelor groupie, going to every show, sleeping with the guys, keeping a weird notebook with way too much detail from each hook-up. I’m almost a little depressed when I don’t see her. However, I get a decent consolation prize: apparently the runner-up from tonight’s episode went ape-shit crazy and followed Andi to Mexico and then tried to confront her during the taping of Men Tell All. Wow. There’s nothing like full-on stalking an ex across international borders to make her change her mind about you. Nice eyes and a great sense of humor? Nope. Girls want psychotic and obsessive! Let’s see – is there someone that has been making weirdly possessive comments over the past couple weeks? Things like “I want to take you away” or “I’m never letting you go” or “don’t talk to other guys”? Maybe someone overly competitive, who can’t stand losing or hearing the word ‘no’? Hmmm…

First up: Nick meets the family. He shows up with flowers for mom and a bottle of scotch for dad. It’s a class act and the old man is clearly pleased:

Scotch? Sure, you can date my daughter. You can date my wife, if you want!

Nick is acting awfully nervous, and Andi is wondering why, since she managed to survive his 10 brothers and sisters just fine. Nick has to meet 2 parents and one sister and he looks like he’s testifying in front of congress. It’s brunch; calm yourself. Sit downs – Nick + Mom, and mom cries but in a good way. Andi + sister, and we hear more of the “once in a lifetime” meme. Nick + Dad, Nick asks for Andi’s hand in marriage. The old man pours another dram and gladly gives his blessing. Nick sailed through this thing, no problems. If Pops likes Nick, Andi likes Nick. At this point, the next hour and fifty minutes are just filler.

Next, Josh steps into to the batters box! He has flowers for mom and, this time, its cigars for dad – another classy move. Andi + sis: a LOT of questions about Josh. A LOT of concerned looks. Sister says he looks “good on paper.” That’s the type of phrase that’s usually followed by a ‘but’. Josh + Sis + Sister’s husband: He flashes a big smile, recites his pre-written interview answers (“nailed it!”), and it’s time to sit down with Pops. Dad gave Nick a friendly smile and a welcoming face. How did Josh do?

Ouch. You don’t want to stare down the barrel of that too often. Josh turns into a nervous babbler and talks waaay too much. He finally gets around to asking for her hand, and…the old man loves him! I’ve always given Pops credit for having a good bullshit meter (he sniffed out Juan Pablo), so this is a troubling sign. As usual, I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.

Next day, it’s one-on-one date time, and Andi tells Josh that she loved making out with him in on a boat in France, so now they’re going to make out on a boat in the Caribbean. They’re on the water, he’s hot, she’s digging him, but she’s still looking for reasons not to pick him. Newsflash, if you spend 2 months trying to find a reason not to like someone, then you don’t really like them as much as you think. Josh jokes around about sailing back to Atlanta, and follows it up with “I’ll get handcuffs and tie you to me and you’ll have to come with me.” Ex-squeeze-me? Again, it sounds like he’s kidding, but it also kinda sounds like he’s not.

They meet later in Josh’s suite to get to know each other more, because Andi’s still not sure how she feels after 12 weeks of talking to this guy. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. And what’s up with the red pants this season?

People won’t talk about this as Andi Dorfman’s Season; it’s going to be the Scarves and Red Pants Season. Josh says he loves her completely. Andi thinks he’s really hot, but she’s not sure it goes any further than that. Then he presents Andi with her very own custom baseball card.

Andi Murray, huh? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, pal. The back of the card has some stats: “Runs: into Josh’s arms. Steals: Josh’s heart. Saves: Josh from being a lonely man.” I have to give him credit on this one – he put some thought into it and it’s pretty clever and endearing. Josh looks confident, but Andi is looking pretty conflicted and she sounds downright doubtful after making out with him on the couch for an hour.

Next up is Nick’s date, and he and Andi drive around in a jeep. Does Nick get violently seasick or something? Did he have a great-grandmother that barely survived the Titanic? He never gets the boat date. Andi feels free and excited. Nick feels alive. Blech. They drive to a lagoon where secretly-ripped Nick can take his shirt off. They talk and frolic in the water and it looks like love – and not just the bathing-suit-area kind of love, but relationship love. They meet later at Nick’s room, and in contrast to the previous night, Nick is the one with all the doubts. The parallels are actually kind of funny. Andi got burned by a former athlete, so she has doubts about Josh. Nick got burned by the last girl he proposed to, so he has doubts about Andi. Chris Harrison got burned by Juan Pablo, so he had him whacked and dumped his body off the coast of the Bahamas. It’s all a gigantic circle of suspicion. Anyway, Andi tells Nick all the things that Josh told her last night, and basically says he’s the one. Then Nick gives her a necklace with a vial of sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her. The baseball card was cute, but the necklace is a deal closer.

The next morning, everyone gets up and walks around, looking pensive. Nick does 300 pushups and then opens the door to his bungalow.

Yeah, that wasn’t staged at all. The ladies watching in the studio are going a little crazier for Josh, for whatever that’s worth. Andi is looking distraught about sending one of the guys home. Nick is nervous, but feeling confident. Josh says this day is even bigger then getting drafted for baseball or playing football with his brother. He’s kidding of course; nothing could be better than playing football with Aaron.

Neil Lane shows up to Josh’s room with a box o’ bling. Josh picks out a ring that looks strangely familiar to the ring in the previews (uh-oh). Next, Neil knocks on Nick’s door and …it’s not Neil; it’s Andi (whaaaaaaaaatttt?!). And cut back to Chris Harrison in the studio:

I just fooled the hell out of all y’all!

What could possibly be happening? Let’s ask CrazyEyesClaire, who apparently is still pissed about Juan Pablo dumping her. Seriously, Claire scares me:

That chick is nuts, and if you ever – EVER – cross her, you better leave the country and change your name, and you’ll still spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. Maybe she was the one that had Juan Pablo whacked. All kidding aside, has anybody heard from him in the past couple months? They talk to some more former cast members, but they all know firsthand how sneaky the editors are on this show, so no one actually commits to saying Nick is going home, but it’s not looking good for the kid. Add to that, we get the massive hint that Farmer Chris is the next Bachelor, and my predictions are falling like dominoes. I’m more flustered than JJ during the Men Tell All episode.

Back to Nick’s room after commercial and Andi dumps him. She’s worried things are too intense, and they can’t relax and just have fun. And then we get a glimpse of the Nick that didn’t talk to anyone for 6 months after his last relationship.

I’m going to my dark place now. It’s safe and warm and lonely there, and no one can ever hurt me again.

All of a sudden, the Zen master looks he’s got some crazy in him, and it’s about to come out and play. Andi leaves and Nick stares out into the rain. Wait – it was sunny 5 minutes ago. Did Chris Harrison literally make it rain? He controls the weather now? Crazy. And just like that, Nick is off to the airport, and he looks pretty much exactly like I do right now:

Whaaaaaat?

I truly cannot believe this just happened. I’m probably more dumbfounded than Nick. He babbles a little on the way to the airport, and we cut to Chris Harrison who reminds us that Nick’s journey isn’t over, because he went crazeballs and stalked her for 4 months. Better yet, Andi was contractually obligated to suspend the restraining order for tonight so they finally have to talk face-to-face. Awesome. I hope they wheel Nick out on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter.

Let’s see baseball boy’s proposal and get to the after party. Andi walks out to the proposal spot.

I don’t have anything funny to say, I just figured everyone would want to see the dress. Of course, everyone has already watched the show, so I don’t need to show you a picture of the dress. Or even tell you what happened, really. Why am I writing this again? Anyway, back to Josh. Did he actually work baseball into the proposal? How is she not having second thoughts about this? Josh sounds like he’s one ‘amen’ short of being a preacher near the end, but it’s heartfelt and she’s Super-Open-Mouthed. Andi tells Josh she loves him, he drops to a knee and tears and kisses and many, MANY I-love-you’s ensue.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I had it wrong the whole time. I really didn’t think she liked Josh in a long-term way and Nick had this thing locked up by week 5. All signs were pointing to Nick right up until the fantasy suite nights; I have no idea what could have happened.

Of course, Nick has a size 10.5 shoe. Josh is a size 13.

Things that make you go hmmmm…..

 

 

 

 After the Final Rose – Nick Goes Crazy, Y’all

 

Later in the show, we’ll talk to Andi and Josh for the first time as a couple. But first, let’s bring out Nick, in New Crazy Formula! He’s not over Andi. He finds it hard to let go of something so “uniquely special”. He’s been wandering the food market late at night. He built a shrine in his basement and drew a magic-marker frowny-face on a mannequin, and they have pretend conversations about how strong their relationship is. Mom says it’s been difficult to watch, and she’s worried that he spends too much time locked in his room, talking to his imaginary girlfriend.

I know he’s crazy, but he’s still my son!

Nick was holding on so tight, that he flew to LA to try to talk to Andi before the Men Tell All. Here he is last week, walking into the studio with his game face on:

I think the stagehand standing in the back of the truck smoking a cigarette really highlights Nick’s determination to win Andi back. You’re telling me Chris Harrison can make it rain in the Dominican Republic, but he can’t clear that guy out for 10 seconds while Nick walks into the studio? Harrison may be the man, but NOBODY fucks with Teamster’s Local 399.

Nick says he’s tired of having conversations with Andi in his head. Yeah, your mom’s getting a little tired of it too, buddy. Harrison asks Andi if she wants to talk to Nick, she has a look on her face that says “I don’t want to be within a hundred yards of that lunatic” and gives an emphatic “no”. Nick gives Harrison the letter we saw from last week, and heads back to the airport, talking about this potentially being the beginning of something special. This guy is delusional with a capital ‘F’.

Fast forward to tonight and Nick comes out for an interview. He’s a wreck, and it’s actually pretty hard to watch. Adding insult to injury, the Bachelor Most Bleachable moment of the season – as voted by you, The Fans! – is a bunch of guys talking shit about Nick. The poor guy can’t catch a break tonight. Andi comes out and she only looks exceptionally nervous. This picture pretty much sums it up:

Don’t feel like you need to use the whole couch, guys. If they were any further apart, the camera crew would have to swap in a wide angle lens. They talk for a while, and she eventually says they had a good relationship, but she wasn’t in love with him and her connection with Josh was stronger. I get the vibe that the thing that bothers him the most wasn’t getting dumped, but the reassurance he got from Andi (or thinks he got) that he would eventually be her choice; he feels deceived more than anything. I don’t know if she was giving him signals and changed her mind last minute or if he was reading it wrong the whole time. I do know he looked like a convincing front-runner right up to the moment that Andi knocked on his door in the Dominican Republic. Whatever; the best part of the segment is when Nick plays dirty and asks her why she had sex with him if she didn’t love him. Boom! That’s a lo-fi move, brother. Then he follows it up by describing how special the night was, even calling it a “fiancé type of night”. Josh is gonna love hearing that! How much do you want to be a fly-on-the-wall for that car ride home? Andi defends herself pretty well but Nick doesn’t let it go. Mercifully, Chris Harrison cuts it off before it gets too weird. Next up, we’ll see Andi and Josh together for the first time as an engaged couple! But first, yet another Bachelor in Paradise promo while the crew tries to get Josh to stop punching holes in the green room wall!

Josh calms down during the break and manages to look happy. They’re so in love! They snuck over to each other’s houses! Josh grabs her by the shoulders really hard! A lot! They can’t wait to get married! Same old, same old…So, to recap my predictions for this season:

Nick wins – WRONG

Josh becomes next Bachelor – WRONG

No chance Farmer Chris is the next Bachelor – WRONG

So yeah, the lesson as always: I have no idea what I’m talking about. I can’t tell if these two are for real, and after my predictions completely imploded in the span of an hour and a half, I’m not even going to hazard a guess as to whether or not Andi and Josh make it.

But, if you put a gun to my head…yeah, it probably works out. I can’t wait for the ceremony (/sarc). I hear JP and Ashley are going to be in the wedding party.

Grumpy cat? Seriously? Sometimes, I can’t believe I let Lovely Better Half suck me into this show. The Crazy Train to Whore Island boards next week! I’m out of town for the premier, but I’ll catch up when I’m back. You know, when it’s yesterday’s news and no one cares anymore. My timing is impeccable.

Salud!