Bachelor in Paradise Week 1 & 2 – I Feel Like I Showed Up Fashionably Late To a Party I Should Have Been Early For

I’m back from vacation, I did a quick catch-up session, and I have 3 words: Ahh. Maze. Zing. The dudes are dumb, the girls are crazy, and the tequila flows like water. Seriously, between Elise, AshLee, Lacy and Clare, I see approximately 40% of my ex-girlfriends; and I’m drinking it in like a cocktail that’s 1 part Nostalgia, 5 parts Relief, and a couple dashes of Fear mixed in to give it a little kick.

My highlights so far:

CrazyEyesClare is “getting back to being Clare”. So, crazy, then. Actually, for as much crap as I give her for being a little off, after 2 episodes, she looks like the normal one in the house.

Daniella annoys me when she talks. Between the “vibing” and ending every sentence on an extended up-noooote, I couldn’t take much more and I’m glad she was gone early.

Lacy/Marcus/Rob – I didn’t think I would ever see another person on this show as sensitive and fragile as Marcus until Rob came along, and lo and behold, they both fall for the same girl. Watching these guys fight over Lacy is like watching a slap-fight at a Girl Scouts camp. Rob waxes poetically about how smart and beautiful and independent she is; and he gleaned all this just from staring at her boobs. He also likes to swim with his pants on:

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By the way, when Marcus talks to Lacy at dinner, doesn’t it sound like the exact same load of sensitive crap he was shoveling at Andi all season? It’s like he’s rehearsed this stuff. For Lacy’s part, she’s playing these two like a fiddle. Of course she says she’s split 80/40 between Marcus and Rob, so maybe she’s just too dumb to make a decision.

Ben doesn’t like to talk much, but he sure likes to drink and eat nachos. I wonder why he’s not working harder to make a connection with someone? Oh yeah, because he’s got a girlfriend back home, which Marcus discovers after looking through his shit. Ben may be a scumbag, but going through someone’s bag is just slimy. Honestly, he only knew the girl for 3 weeks, so the letter thing didn’t strike me as a big deal; neither did Ben announcing his retirement from television. I think the media industry will somehow move on after he’s gone.

 

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What the fuck is that on Michelle Money’s head?

For all the talk about Michelle K being insane, she’s not nearly as crazy as Ryan Putz, the crew member that won her heart with “floss and hand-picked flowers.” Dental Floss? Really? I think that pretty much perfectly describes the emotional hole these people are so desperate to fill with any kind of intimacy. And then this idiot jumps off the balcony and breaks both legs just to avoid getting caught in her room. How scared of someone would you have to be to jump 25 feet to the ground? Is it possible that even I underestimated the power and wrath of Chris Harrison? And then Michelle tells a crew member that Chris “is just the host”:

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Bad move. I think Ryan had to smuggle her out of the country, and they’re still on the run today. NEVER disrespect Chris Harrison.

It’s funny how Chris Bukowski didn’t show up until the second week. I think he really did wait offshore in a rowboat until the producers had to choose between letting him on the show or leaving him to die from exposure.

 

Our actual conversation during the Sarah/Marcus underground lagoon date:

Lovely Better Half: Can she swim?

Me: Yes, but only in circles.

We’re both going to Hell.

 

I couldn’t recall AshLee from Sean’s season, and then I was reminded that she was the super-baggage control-freak who works as a Personal Organizer – “because if I can just put everything in its exact perfect place then it will all be organized and my life will be good again!” Apparently, she follows Graham on Twitter, so the obvious next step for the two of them is marriage. The shit-storm that erupted after Clare asked Graham out on a date was awesome. AshLee’s quotes were pretty funny: “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours”; “100% I wouldn’t do that to him”; “He’s not here for me obviously”; “She slept with Juan Pablo. You think she’s not going to make a move on him?”; “She’s not pretty either”. Pretty funny – until you realize there’s no one actually in the room with her and she’s talking to herself. When Clare says “Don’t scare me”, you’re fucking scary. Not to be out-crazied, Clare rants at a raccoon:

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Meanwhile, poor Graham looks like a deer caught in the headlights. That man is standing in a minefield without a map, and he has no idea how to get out without losing a body part – a very important body part. A side note on Graham: at 35 years old, isn’t this show a little bit like playing chess with 1st graders for him? Maturity-wise, he’s so head-and-shoulders above the rest of the guys, he could have the run of roost – assuming he can get out from under AshLee without getting killed in his sleep.

Marquel! Getting all high and mighty about the booze! Who knew?

Oh, Dylan; you’re such a dick. You get drunk the first night, and have a little frolic in the surf with Elise. I get it; I’ve been there. But if you’re going to cut it off, be a man about it. Take the blame and apologize. What you don’t do is tell her to hook up with another guy and then yell at her for hooking up with another guy. I’m going to bookmark this for my Future Talk With The Boy on how not to break up with a girl. Elise, however, is nuts on a whole different level. She is just about the most delusional person I’ve ever seen in my life. Watching Elise get ready for a date while Dylan was asking Sarah out was funny. Watching her try to convince herself it made their relationship stronger was insane. And, oh, the conversation:

Elise: I love how good we are together.

Dylan: You should date Chris.

Elise: Wait. What are you saying?

Dylan: We’re just friends.

Elise: Sooo, what do you mean?

Dylan: Chris likes you. I don’t. Go hang out with him.

Elise: So, if I gave you a rose…?

Dylan: I would say no. I would NOT take it.

Elise: I’m so confused.

No shit. If I ever have a daughter, this is getting bookmarked for the Future Talk With The Girl on how not be treated. Anyway, Dylan – you behaved badly; glad to see you go.

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How did I fuck this up so bad?

Whore Island has not disappointed so far! Awesome first two weeks, and I’m looking forward to getting back on schedule for the rest of the season. Until next time…stay trashy, my friends!

Oh yeah – ClareFaces.

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