Is this really week 7? And there are 9 guys left? This is getting ridiculous. We’re going to need a Thunderdome-style elimination to narrow the field down by the finale. Nine men enter, one man leave.
Reassuring Shawn – Part I
Back to Kaitlyn’s room, where she’s ready to throw up in a bucket because she thinks Shawn Gosling knows that she slept with Crazypants Nick. She keeps telling the camera she doesn’t regret doing it, but all the crying and fretting and hand-wringing and night sweats say otherwise. She MASSIVELY regrets hooking up with Nick, and it might be the thing that finally gets her into a 12 step program. “Hi, my name’s Kaitlyn, and I knew I hit rock bottom when I had sex with a creepy John Lithgow look-alike on national television after a 12 hour whiskey binge.” Anyway, Shawn asks her about a bunch of crap unrelated to Nick, Kaitlyn breathes a sigh of relief that he doesn’t know yet, and they hug it out. The running theme on this episode is Shawn Gosling’s easily bruised ego, and I’m starting to question his status as the front runner. Even Lovely Better Half is getting turned off by his whining (yes……). But we’ll get more of this later.
Joe vs JJ – The Battle of Mr. Irrelevants
Let’s face facts – neither one of these guys is making it to the end. This date is an easy way for Kaitlyn to flip a coin and get rid of someone, because we’re on week 7 and people need to start going home. Kaitlyn tells us JJ has the all of the qualities she’s looking for in a man (edgy, attractive, bisexual) and that she has no idea who Joe is, but she kept giving him roses because he looks like Johnny Knoxville and she thinks the Jackass movies are crazy funny. Do I need to make a list of these guys and their celebrity look-alikes? And is there a spinoff possibility where these guys compete against the real celebrities in whatever they’re famous for doing? Like Joe Kentucky has to wrap himself in bacon and run from a pack of pitbulls, and Nick has to out-creep John Lithgow, and Shawn and Ryan Gosling take turns pulling their shirts off? Anyway, time for a boat date – the best date ever! If I had a boat, I’d never date on land. I LOVE boat dates! Let’s check out the sweet ride for the day:
Ummm…not exactly P Diddy’s yacht, is it? They go to an island and take turns trying to woo Kaitlyn. Joe tells her that she’s one-in-a-million, and that he could feel the passion when they kissed – not bad, Joe. JJ takes a different approach, and tells her that he cheated on his wife 3 years ago and lost everything he had. OK. Let’s do a recap of JJ, shall we? He’s a divorced father who lives with his parents, the word “former” is part of his job title, and he’s a cheater. Plus this:
Why is he still here, again? Oh wait, he’s not anymore! That last bit of information might have been one character flaw too many, my friend. He makes a half-hearted effort to pitch himself as a Bachelor candidate, but I don’t see the good people of Bachelor Nation voting for an unemployed banker who cheated on his wife. Call me crazy. In a twist, Kaitlyn isn’t sure that she wants to give the rose to Kentucky Joe, either, but she makes out with him on a couch later and changes her mind. Congrats, Kentucky – you live to maul another day.
Reassuring Shawn – Part II
Shawn is having yet another crisis of confidence and needs to see Kaitlyn again. She’s doing an interview when a producer interrupts her with “Copy that! They’re telling me Shawn is on his way over right now.”
My god, will this guy please get a grip?
First off, the producers say things like “copy that”. Who are these guys, Delta Force? Give me a break. Secondly, Kaitlyn gets so nervous, she practically starts dry-heaving. When she realizes that Shawn still has no idea about Nick, she breathes another sigh of relief and basically tells him, “Dude, even if you ARE the one, we have to finish the season. Suck it up and quit your bitchin’.” Then she tells the camera that she’s questioning Shawn because there will be other relationships on her mind and other guys in her pants, and she doesn’t know if Shawn realizes what show he’s on. My take: Mr. Personal Trainer is uber-competitive and a little possessive, and he’s confusing his desire to win with feelings for Kaitlyn. If she does choose him in the end, the chase is going to be over, and I bet he loses interest and they break off the engagement within 3 months. They talk and hug-it-out again, and Shawn’s frail little ego is salvaged for another day.
Ben H has a mini-crisis of his own, because he thinks Kaitlyn is way into Shawn Gosling. Then Nick has a mini-crisis, because Andi dropped him like a bad habit after they slept together and Kaitlyn is looking visibly disturbed, so now he’s worried he’s a terrible lay. Luckily for him, that’s not the problem this time around:
Kaitlyn: So, umm, the other night was great and all, but, you know, can we kinda keep it on the down low?
Nick [looking perturbed that he can’t brag about his exploits like a 19 year old frat boy] What do you mean?
Kaitlyn: Well, I get the impression that some of the other guys found out about us and they’re bothered by it.
Nick [visibly defensive] I didn’t say anything to anyone. I didn’t say it was ‘intimate’ or ‘passionate’ or ‘romantic’ and I certainly didn’t say it directly to Shawn Gosling’s face so I could fuck with his head and make him crack under the pressure. Why would I do that, Andi? I mean Kaitlyn? [Then he rehashes a bunch of lines from Andi’s season and starts making out with Kaitlyn to stop her from talking]
So, I guess we can add “liar” to Nick’s resume, since he said exactly all of those things last week. Moving on – Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance after his 6 day pub crawl of Ireland:
OK. Last thing I remember, I was standing on the bar, yelling “It’s magically delicious!” After that, everything’s a blank…
And it’s off to the ceremony. Safe:
Kentucky Joe – even he doesn’t know why he’s still here
Jared – pre-pubescent boys can grow a fuller beard than this guy
Nick – He can’t win, right? There’s no way Kaitlyn actually picks this guy…right?
Ben H – “I like him. I’m switching from Ryan Gosling to Ben H” – LBH
Chris the Dentist – come again? Even Tanner is surprised by this pick:
I know I’m going home; I just want to see who she picks between Gosling and Godzilla.
And…Shawn Gosling – who’s covered in sweat and looks like he’s about to pass out. He is not handling this well.
And let’s say goodbye to Tanner and Ben Z, who I still think is the next Bachelor, though it appears that LBH is now rooting for Ben H to rescue her from her mundane life every Monday night. Maybe this season started a trend and we’ll have both. Who knows, who cares, because check it out!
The return of Whore Island! And since Dancing with the Stars never called, Crazy Eyes Clare is coming back, and she’ll have a whole new crop of guys to get all clingy and scary with. Can’t wait.
Road Trip to Killarney
Kaitlyn picks Jared to join her on a drive to Killarney, and if you’re Irish, you better stay off the sidewalks, because Kaitlyn is a TERRIBLE driver. And the only reason she’s driving instead of Jared is because he just got his learner’s permit and isn’t supposed to drive without a legal guardian in the car. Seriously, that guy is really young. And he needs to shave that clumpy patchwork of hair off his face. It’s not a good look, dude. They go to a castle and kiss the Blarney Stone, which I heard is a big no-no because the locals like to pee on it to mess with the tourists. Maybe it’s an unfounded rumor, but even if there’s only a 5% chance it’s true, I’m not touching it with my lips. Then they go to Kaitlyn’s room to maul each other for a while.
Has anyone else noticed that The Producers have basically cut the number of locations in half and then expanded each location into 2 episodes? Is ABC squeezing the budget? Or are they diverting more funds to Whore Island, since that abandons any pretense of romance or “finding love”, and is just about half-naked people getting drunk and hooking up and fighting, so, you know, it’s Great Television. Anyway, we cut to Chris Harrison knocking on Kaitlyn’s door…
Two appearances in one episode – this week is brutal. I don’t have time for this crap. If I don’t finish the sequel to my book by November, Harlequin claws back my advance – and I gambled that money away in Macau months ago. Like I need to give the Triads another reason to come after me….
…And it’s time for another sit down.
Kaitlyn: I think I made a mistake this week.
Chris Harrison: Everybody knows that, but I’ll play along. ‘What mistake was that, Kaitlyn?’
Kaitlyn: I said some things to Shawn in San Antonio that may have given him the wrong idea about where our relationship is at.
CH: THAT’S the mistake you’re talking about?!
Kaitlyn: Well, I probably shouldn’t have slept with Nick so fast, either…
CH: You think?!
Kaitlyn [looking guilty]
CH: Well, we all screw up once in a while, what matters is where you go from there. And here’s where you’re going: you’re getting rid of 3 guys this week, then we have fantasy suite dates, and then you pick 2 guys out of those three for hometown dates. So, you know, you’ll have had sex with everyone before you meet their families.
Kaitlyn: Is it because you want to be fair to the guys and not get their families involved unless it’s serious?
CH: No, it’s because we’re cutting costs so I can keep my private jet and the personal villa in Tulum while we’re filming Bachelor in Paradise. Two less hometown dates equals four star accommodations for yours truly! Have you seen where they make the production staff on this show sleep? Not me, baby.
Kaitlyn: But, I thought –
CH: Don’t think. This week you’ll go down on – sorry – down to three guys. So, you know, start cutting the dead weight, ASAP. Now, I need to submit another chapter to my publisher by 5 o’clock New York time, and I don’t have a single word down because I’ve been drinking my way through Dublin for the past week. I’m outta here; good luck.
Last 1-on-1 Date of the Night – Chris, Let’s Take our Love to the Edge
Or is it the first 1-on1 date of next week? I can’t tell anymore. This “to be continued” trend is killing me. The rose ceremonies are in the beginning of the episode, they switch locations in the middle – I can’t keep up. They take a helicopter ride to the Cliffs of Moher. A boat and a helicopter date in one episode – The Producers are flying a little close to the sun. Trying to show that she’s really into him, Kaitlyn pumps Chris for information on how the other guys in the house are doing. Then it just gets crazy awkward, and I start having flashbacks to my single days, going on terrible first dates where the check couldn’t come fast enough. There’s so little chemistry that it’s actually painful to watch. Eventually the small talk gets so bad, that Kaitlyn starts crying. That’s never a good sign, brother. She tries to let Chris down easy, but rather than let her off the hook, he says, “I can see where this is going. Can you tell me more?” What a dick. Kaitlyn clearly feels bad about sending him home, and he wants her to go through it again in greater detail? Kaitlyn has a better idea, and hops in the helicopter by herself and leaves without him. Chris instantly goes from “Cupcake” to “Sour Grapes”, tells everyone that Kaitlyn doesn’t know what she wants and she’s not ready for love, then he collapses in what will go down as the worst fake cry in Bachelor history, which is saying something. Meanwhile:
What a bitch. I hope Jared doesn’t cry like that when I send him home. Speaking of Jared, does his mom need to pick him up? Should we call her now?
And that’s all she wrote, folks. Only 4 episodes left, and then straight into Bachelor in Paradise. No rest for the wicked…
And now, let’s watch Jared learn to drive a manual transmission. Wait, this guy can’t drive a stick shift?
Me: would you ever date a guy that couldn’t drive stick?
LBH: [the “are you kidding me?” look on her face] NO way.
Love that girl…