The Producers start us off with a recap of last week’s shocking turn of events and…wait a minute, Kaitlyn had sex with Nick?! O! M! G! When did that happen? Yeah, so I guess we’ll be beating this story line to death for the remainder of the season.

Everyone is STILL in Killarney, and Kaitlyn has just sent Chris the Shiny Happy Dentist home, which was the hardest thing she’s done so far this season, partly because he was so sweet, but mostly because he cried like a 12 year old Twilight fanatic who just found out Rob and K-Stew broke up again, but FOR GOOD THIS TIME. Now, all she has to do is send Jared the Fuzzy One and Kentucky Joe home and we can all move on to warmer climates.

Ben H Date – Let’s Make the Day Unforgettable

That sounds kind of open-ended – I guess the interns were feeling less-than-creative that day. Kaitlyn waits patiently for Ben to arrive, while the production staff prays that he gets there before she realizes the horrible danger lurking behind her:

That’s great, Kaitlyn! Stay just like that! Whatever you do, don’t turn around…

Kaitlyn is excited to show Ben another side of her, because she’s not always Bubbly/Happy Kaitlyn. Sometimes she’s Drinky/Slurry Kaitlyn and other times she’s Whiskey/Horny Kaitlyn. Unfortunately for Ben, today she’s Row-y/Floaty Kaitlyn, and he has to row a boat to a deserted island in the middle of a frigid lake and play hide-and-seek. And not a kinky adult version, but the actual child’s game. By the way, did he call her “Kaykee”? Nicknames like that get you an early exit and reserved seating on the Men Tell All episode, my friend. They talk about what they want in a spouse. Kaitlyn wants someone that won’t run away when she goes insane; Ben wants someone hot.

They meet that night, and Kaitlyn decides to scale back on the whiskey consumption and drink Irish coffees instead. Ok. Ben starts talking about his ex-girlfriend again, and worries he’s unlovable. Kaitlyn says “No way! You’re totally lovable! The next girl you meet will think you’re amazing!” They throw the L-word around and maul each other for a little bit. Ben feels “reassured”, and if I never hear that word again, it’ll be too soon. What’s up with these guys needing so much reassurance? Tony Robbins could put his kids through college with this group. Ben goes out of his way to let Kaitlyn know he doesn’t need the Fantasy Suite to turn physical. All he wants to do is talk, and he gets so weird about it that she thinks he’s a virgin. He says he’s not, and Kaitlyn let’s out a grateful sigh, because she’s all about getting it in, and she’s looking forward to talking each other’s brains out.

Group Date – Let’s Let Our Love Run A-Muck

Seriously, we’re still in Ireland. Kentucky Joe, Shawn Gosling and Crazy Nick all meet on someone’s lawn and have drinks. Let’s take turns “stealing Kaitlyn away for a minute”:

Shawn Gosling – Did we make out last week? No? Ok, let’s make up for that (pause to maul each other’s faces) and good. Now that that’s out of the way, Kailtyn can finally tell Shawn that she slept with Nick. Sorry – “took things too far with Nick”. I love her choice of words; anyone still think she doesn’t regret it? She’s about to spill the beans when look who shows up!

Nick – Nice timing, pal. Kaitlyn looks visibly uncomfortable and asks him how he feels about the other night:

Just ONCE, I wish I could go back in time…

Does that look like a woman with fond memories? Lovely Better Half thinks he’s bad in bed. No other way to explain why Andi and Kaitlyn both look so mortified the day after spending the night with him. Kaitlyn’s worried that “it was fast”, and I wonder whether she means “relationship fast” or “Nick was finished in 30 seconds fast”. Nick mumbles a bunch of stuff and talks into his hand a lot, and neither I nor the viewing audience nor The Producers nor Kaitlyn can understand what he’s saying, so Kaitlyn does what she always does when she’s confused about what to do, and just makes out with him for the rest of their time. Meanwhile, back on the lawn:

Shawn: Dude, Nick’s been with her for 15 minutes! Get your ass out of that chair and get in there now!

Kentucky Joe – wow, this is just so awkward. Joe tells Kaitlyn he loves her like it’s last call and he has 3 minutes to convince some chick at the bar to go home with him. I’m not buying it, and neither is Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn: Are you ready to get married?

Kentucky: Umm..yeah! Totally! I could kiss you – JUST you – for the rest of my life, baby! And I could marry you and be happy everyday! I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it!

Kaitlyn: Let me take this in…[not a good sign when a girl says that]

Kentucky: Aww, baby, come on…you know I love you! You believe me, right?

Kaitlyn: I’m not sure I do.

Kentucky: I don’t say stuff just to say it. I say it because I’m on TV and I don’t want to go home. And, you know, because I love you. Really.

Kaitlyn: Look, you said you wanted to be brutally honest.

Kentucky: Well, I don’t know if I said ‘brutal’…

Kaitlyn: You did, and I’m going to be. I’m not into you. At all, in any way.

And Joe loses his shit, goes off on Kaitlyn, and commits the biggest crime of all by walking away from the cameras. I’m not sure why he’s so pissed; it’s been the Nick and Shawn Show for a while now, and this guy didn’t have a snowball’s chance of getting into a fantasy suite, let alone winning. Anyway, Kaitlyn is all verklempt, and she decides not to give the group date rose to either Nick or Shawn:

Then why have we been freezing our asses off out here?

Kaitlyn: Nick, you’ve been very open and honest with me, and I really appreciate you putting yourself out there, so I’ll see you at the rose ceremony. Shawn, I feel like we need more time together, so I’ll see you tonight.

Wait…what just happened? Did he just get a 1-on-1 date? Have I mentioned that it’s freaking FREEZING out here? Someone’s getting thrown under the bus for this…

Don’t get too bent-out-of-shape, Nick. Kaitlyn’s about tell Shawn that she had sex with you, so it’s not like he has a magical night ahead of him. And remember this face…

Nick got sent back to the hotel! Kaitlyn digs me the most! I’m number 1!

…because it’s about to change.

Kaitlyn Comes Clean

Everyone watched it, I won’t repeat the conversation, but here are my takeaways. First, Shawn Face 2.0!

Tonight was supposed to be about you digging me the most…

1. This scene is why Shawn wins the whole thing. No matter how much the editors try to make Nick look like a threat, if Kaitlyn wasn’t going to pick Shawn in the end, she wouldn’t need to tell him about sleeping with Nick before the show aired, because she wouldn’t care how he found out. The only question is whether or not Shawn can tolerate Nick being there without blowing up or walking out. This is the Season of Reassurances, and the guys seem especially sensitive this year.

2. Nick’s fantasy suite date might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Shawn can let the first night go, but if Kaitlyn admits she slept with Nick and that she regretted it and then does it again, that’s going to be too much for the guy to handle. If Nick gets an overnight, they better actually talk the whole time.

3. Shawn keeps it together amazingly well – much better than Kentucky – and Shawn had a real reason to be pissed. When he said “I’m here for you and I’m going to man up and move past it”, Lovely Better Half literally started crying and announced “I’m back on Shawn’s team again.” I know; she used his real name. My living status is officially in jeopardy again.

4. On a side note, I love the fact that Shawn won’t call Nick by name, and only refers to him as “the other guy”. Disdain runneth deep with this one. Also, Nick likes to talk about himself a lot, but he hasn’t figured out that no one gives a shit about what he says.

5. “I’m so tense right now, I can’t even piss.”

6. It was interesting when Shawn asked “Why are you telling me now?” From his perspective, it looks like Kaitlyn really is into Nick, and The Producers set this whole night up to film his reactions and get good footage for the show. He understands that this is ultimately a television show, but he also has a fair amount of pride, and he doesn’t want Kaitlyn messing with his head just for entertainment value…

7. …which is exactly the type of thing The Producers would do, so it’s possible this whole thing was set up to get Shawn to crack, and Kaitlyn went along with it, because she’s choosing Nick in the end anyway, and who cares what Shawn thinks.

8. Which means that, once again, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Why do I write this stuff again?

Finally – A Rose Ceremony

Amazing. I wasn’t sure they still had these on this show. Chris Harrison makes an appearance, and he’s so pissed at still being in Ireland, that he cancels the cocktail party out of spite. The boys suit-up, and heeeere’s Kaitlyn!

Don’t worry, Shawn, she’s wearing sparkles, and that’s a happy sign…

One Way Ticket to the Fantasy (Suite) Island:

Shawn Gosling – more reassurance, please! He pulls Kaitlyn aside and asks why Nick is still here. Kaitlyn basically tells him this is her last chance to hook-up with random people before she’s married, so just think of it as a Bachelorette party. In Vegas. With condoms. And lots of other guys around. He doesn’t look happy, but takes the rose anyway.

Ben H – who accepts the rose, then asks Kaitlyn what’s going on between Nick and Shawn. They both seem a little off lately…

Nick – who mumbles something, and flashes the awkward smile of a man who drives a windowless van and locks his cellar door with a commercial padlock.

Which means it’s goodbye to Jared, and for your parting gift, a $300 gift certificate to The Art of Shaving, purveyor of luxury shaving products for the modern gentleman. Give Jared credit, he’s more graceful than Joe Kentucky, and his cry is WAY more manly than Chris the Singing Dentist.  And with that finally out of the way, we’re down to overnights for our final 3 hopefuls. Which exotic, balmy, and romantic locale are we off to now? Cork? Yup – still in Ireland.

Nick Date – Did She or Didn’t She?

Nick starts by telling us he’s not going to force anything or put pressure on anyone. You mean like buying rings from a street vendor and wearing them on your wedding fingers? Or pouring whiskey down your date’s throat through a funnel? Kaitlyn and Nick wander around Cork for about 3 minutes when lo and behold! A bar! A repeat performance, perhaps?

Two-fisting already…

They meet the locals, and get the key to a successful marriage from a barely coherent Irishman (apparently, the secret is “trust”. It’s all so simple). Then Nick says a toast and it’s on to the night portion of the date. Still smarting from being sent back to the hotel during the group date, Nick decides to throw Shawn under the bus by telling some completely irrelevant and out-of-context story about Shawn having sex with a girl that had sex with a country singer. A few things, Nick:

1. Kaitlyn has repeatedly said that she likes manly men, and repeating locker room talk outside of the locker room makes you look like less of a man than you looked a few minutes ago. In fact, it makes you look insecure and desperate.
2. As far as recent Bachelorettes go, Kaitlyn is definitely more on the “free-love” end of the spectrum, and she’s probably not the type that’s easily offended by someone’s past romantic encounters. After all, she slept with you. That has to make her a little more forgiving of other people, right?
3. It’s kind of an awesome story and I want to know who the singer is.

Kaitlyn finally throws her hands up and says, “if Shawn’s such a bad guy, why does EVERYONE talk shit about you, and NO ONE says anything about Shawn?” Nick looks like a deer in the headlights, realizes he screwed up and starts mumbling and hand waving and backpedaling furiously. I have to give it to him – he’s slimy but he recovers well. He’s like a cockroach, you just can’t kill him off. Whatever he mumbles, it works, because Kaitlyn invites him to the Fantasy Suite, and LBH and I take turns throwing the remote against the wall. Neither one of us get it. He’s a mumbling, lispy, wormy, skeevy creep, and for some unknown reason these ladies love him. He must have some kind of crazy pheromones that make him irresistible in person. No idea.

Cut to the next morning and they’re eating bacon (the Canadian kind) and cuddling on the couch. Kaitlyn looks REALLY happy. She says they sat on the couch and talked all night, but I can’t tell if that’s the truth, or if it’s the story they’re telling Shawn. Nick says it was the best date of his life. Really? Better than your overnight with Andi? Whatever; put your shirt on and get out.

The Cliffhanger

Shawn hasn’t gone to anyone’s room for a big confrontation yet this episode, so he decides to knock on Nick’s door to give him a piece of his mind. Much arguing ensues:

Shawn: I don’t respect you!

Nick: I don’t respect you first!

Shawn: I don’t respect you times infinity!

Nick: I don’t respect you infinity times infinity!

Shawn: You can’t have more than infinity!

Nick: Yes I can! I just did!

Shawn: No you can’t!

Nick: You!

Shawn: No, YOU!

And on it goes…to be resolved next week. See ya then, my friends.

And now, let’s watch Brittney and Bromley do the long-distance thang…