That’s Shakespeare, by the way. See what I did there? I spent way too much time thinking about the title this week. We start tonight’s episode with a “Previously, on The Bachelorette!” montage, and I wonder how I managed to write 12,000+ words about a season that The Producers just recapped in 3 minutes. Sometimes I think I’m not focusing my energy properly. We return to Enniskillen, where Nick and Shawn are still yelling at each other, and Lovely Better Half officially needs a change of location.

Nick: You don’t know me!

Shawn: I do know you, from watching Andi’s season!

LBH: They’re still in f’ing Ireland? Why are they making it so Irish this year?

Shawn Gosling storms out, and it’s time for Ben H to make his pitch to be the next Bachelor so Kaitlyn can get back to fretting over Nick and Shawn.

Ben Overnight – Galway (which is, shockingly, in Ireland)

Kaitlyn tells us that it’s important not to think about Nick or Shawn, and to try to remember that Ben is in the room with her. That’s easier said than done, because, as Kaitlyn puts it, “Ben’s just Ben”, which sounds like a polite way of saying “he does nothing for me.” They go horseback riding, feed donkeys, and then get accosted by said donkeys. Has anyone noticed that Kaitlyn does stuff with the other guys on 1-on-1 dates, but when she’s with Nick they just go straight to a bar? No judgment – I’ve dated girls where all we did was drink and hook-up, too. But you know what we didn’t do? Get married. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn hang out at a castle, because they’re still in Ireland, and that’s what you do.

Ben: Any advice on becoming the next Bachelor?

Kaitlyn: Be really sweet to me when I send you home, and wish me the best. Then tell everyone that, while you’re heartbroken now, being on this show has taught you how to love again, and that your biggest wish is to find the woman of your dreams. Whatever you do, don’t be like Ian. That guy’s less popular with fans than Kalon the Self-Dater and Jesse the Man-Whore combined.

Ben delivers a long and well-practiced speech about how much he loves Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn says “That’s nice”, and it’s off to the night portion. Guess what? Ben is sweet and funny and charming and handsome and he checks all the boxes of the perfect husband! Pick him, Bachelor Nation! They whip out the Fantasy Suite card, and then run upstairs to work on Ben’s farewell speech for his ride to the airport. Lovely Better Half is convinced he’s the next Bachelor. I’m not so sure, just because he’s only 26 and that’s young relative to the guys they’ve signed up in recent seasons. But he doesn’t look or act 26, and he’s definitely the most mature of the 3 guys left. He makes Shawn and Nick look like two 12-year old girls about to get into a slap fight. He could pull it off. I’d like to see Tanner in the running. I know it’s a total long shot because he had no air time, but when he was on, he was funny. And Ben Z should get a shot, too – because I don’t want him to hit me.

Shawn Gosling Overnight – Fore!

Continuing the trend of doing something not centered around alcohol, Kaitlyn and Shawn play golf. She hands him a hot pink golf shirt, and I don’t get why she’s laughing so hard. It’s a perfectly legit golf outfit; I’d wear that in a heartbeat. Shawn has the audacity to tell us that “Golf is a lot like love.” Really? You’re swinging a club as few times as possible to put a tiny ball into a cup. There’s absolutely no correlation to love in any way. Newsflash: not everything is “like love” or “being in a relationship”. Sometimes, it’s just golf. Though, if he puts one more ball into the water, he’s gonna lose his shit, and then golf is going to look a lot like breaking up. They play truth or dare, and Shawn has to make a naked putt…

…and I have to applaud at this point, because he drains it from about 15 feet, naked and one-handed, while Kaitlyn is stealing his clothes. It doesn’t get any more clutch than that. Shawn chases her around the course with his hand on his junk (which I’m pretty sure is against club rules), and bring on the night.

Kaitlyn starts off by saying “The last thing I want to do is bring up Nick”, and then she does it and asks Shawn about the Eskimo Brother story. She needs to know that Shawn will be a loyal husband, and she doesn’t want to hear about him having a reputation as a player. And that’s where Kaitlyn loses me. Whether or not the Eskimo Brother story is true, how is it relevant to their relationship in any way? It happened before they met. Shawn was single and he didn’t cheat on anyone. If you really want to get into details, Shawn slept with the girl before the country singer, so he didn’t even do the part that was gross. Is it bad because he told the other guys about it? I don’t know. If an ex-girlfriend of mine hooked up with Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling or somebody, I might talk about it. I wouldn’t make t-shirts or anything, but if I was having a few beers with the boys and we were trading war-stories, yeah, I’d probably bring it up. Don’t pretend that girls don’t talk about this stuff, too. Regardless, it happened before Shawn and Kaitlyn met, so it’s really none of her business. On the other hand, since Shawn stepped out of the limo on the first night, Kaitlyn has mauled just about every guy in the house and had sex with Nick. She’s free to do what she wants – I’ve always defended her on that. But she’s getting a little judgey here, and questioning whether or not Shawn’s a “player” seems hypocritical. Anyway, she needs “to get the bottom of things”, so off to the Fantasy Suite for more talk.

Next day, Shawn leaves and The Producers edit it so that it looks like they’re on rocky ground, even though they probably dropped the subject after 5 minutes and spent the rest of the night swinging from the chandelier. He’s walking back to his room when lo and behold!

Because stalking is what I do best…

I guess Nick has been waiting outside their room all night, counting the seconds until Shawn left. I can’t wait for this guy to get dumped. Nick wants to talk; Shawn doesn’t want any part of it, but he’s contractually obligated to sit down for the cameras, so they go back to Shawn’s room and he dons his fighting shirt:

See how I pulled up my sleeves? I’m taking you to the gun show, son! Guns of Navarone! Get some!

Suitably intimidated, Nick asks if he can talk. Shawn says “Nope” and rails on Nick, concluding with “get the fuck out of my place right NOW!” Nick is completely demoted and Shawn has lost any and all traces of doubt about where he stands. He’s both acting and talking like a guy who’s positive that he’s winning this season.

Then Shawn goes to the bathroom, where he’s so tense he can’t pee again.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison!

CH: So, we’re still in Ireland…

Kaitlyn: I know! I love this country, it’s so beautiful!

CH: Yeah, it’s just great. Nick and Shawn?

Kaitlyn: They really hate each other. It’s really stressing me out. Can I send one of them home?

CH: Nope. It’s TV gold. Ben?

Kaitlyn: He’s really sweet and nice…

CH: So, you know what you’re going to do, right?

Kaitlyn: Yes. It’s going to be painful, but I have to follow my heart and-

CH: Uh-huh, got it. I’ve got a 6pm flight to Amsterdam, let’s get this over with.

Kaitlyn: My heart is beating out of my chest right now.

LBH: And your boobs are slipping out of that dress.

Let’s meet the parents:

Crazypants Nick – I bet mama Viall is thrilled about this.

Shawn Gosling – and the finale is set! Good vs Evil, Yin vs Yang…

Ben gives the speech that he and Kailtyn wrote on their overnight date, and she walks him to his car.

Am I supposed to get in this thing?

Blacked out windows with two big guys in the front seats – looks like a bad scene out of Goodfellas to me. Are they taking him to the airport or dumping his body in a moor? Back in the castle’s antechamber:

So, uhhhh…this champagne’s nice, yeah?

The finale’s going to be fantastic…

Nick Hometown Date – Deer Valley, Utah

Wait a second – isn’t Nick from Milwaukee? Remember? They walked around a market, toured a brewery, drank Nick + Andi beer? I didn’t figure it out until the next segment when we meet Shawn’s family in Park City, and I realize that The Producers cancelled the hometown dates and just flew everyone to Utah. As entertaining as this season has been, the location selection has sucked. There’s only two possibilities: 1) they tried to cut costs by booking a bunch of rooms in Park City, off-season, in which case the joke is on them, because Nick flew all ten of his family members out, thus completely blowing the airline budget for the next 12 months, or 2) Nick’s mom put her foot down and refused to invite another one of these hussies into her home after what “that lawyer woman” did to her son, and The Producers had to find a neutral location for the meet. Geez, that makes it sound like a hostage exchange, which judging by the facial expressions of Nick’s family, would be a pretty comparable atmosphere:

They look like they’re having fun…

Mom is especially worried:

I just hope things go well. Nick did such terrible things in our basement last time. I’m still haunted by the sounds…

Seriously, they couldn’t look less happy if they were in a biological quarantine tent. I can’t imagine introducing myself to these people. Nick breaks the ice: “Hi, everyone! This is Kaitlyn, a way better version of Andi! We’re down to the last two, by the way! Yup [his eye starts to twitch and his voice fades] the last two…” And now, you could hear a pin drop. Interviews, interviews, all pretty uneventful. The brothers are funny:

This is what happens when you split Nick up into his 3 primary elements!

And Nick tells his mom that Kaitlyn is great at making out? Easy there, Norman Bates. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any creepier. Mom tells him that next time they see each other, Nick will either be on cloud nine or in his “dark place”. And she hopes it’s cloud nine, because she can’t handle finding another skin suit in the basement. Nick and Kaitlyn finish the day by going back to her room, drinking a bunch of whiskey (what else?), and making out.

Shawn’s Family

“The other guy is the only other guy.” Shawn kills me. There’s only 2 sisters, an aunt and his dad; plus everyone is actually happy and smiling instead of looking like they’re staging an intervention, so overall it’s a much easier room to walk into. The Producers try to manufacture some drama with the dad, but it’s smooth sailing, and everyone loves Kaitlyn. They run back to Kaitlyn’s room, Shawn finally says “I love you” – Kaitlyn likey. It’s looking pretty decided at this point.

Lovely Better Half: Shawn is winning. I’m not bulging from this.

Me: Budging.

LBH: What?

Me: Budging. I’m the only one in the house that should be bulging.

LBH: How do you spell that?

We seriously have conversations like this all the time. Anywho, Kaitlyn has taken up residence on the Cloud Nine that Nick’s mom had previously reserved for her son, until she’s doing her interview, when she starts to cry and hyperventilate and throw up in her mouth a little.

Nick’s going to go crazypants again, isn’t he? He’s going to stalk me, just like he stalked Andi. And his poor mother! She went through so much last time; I can’t stand the thought of her being so disappointed again!

Oh, Kaitlyn; you’re going to make Nick go crazy, alright. And we’re going to love you for it. Until then, why don’t YOU feed the EWES.

See you next week for the Men Tell All episode! The return of Clint and JJ! Ian reminds everyone where he went to college! Endless Bachelor in Paradise promos! See ya then, folks…