Bachelor in Paradise Week 3.1 – You Know Everyone’s Nuts when Clare and Ashley I. Barely Get a Mention

When we last left, Juelia was over-the-moon about her new found romance with Joe:

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I can’t believe he lied to me…I was sure he was here for “the right reasons”…

My mistake, that was a preview of tonight’s episode, let’s start over. When we last left, Clare was having one of her de rigueur meltdowns. But first, a few words about the opening sequence:

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The bartender gets in on the intro? I think about all the boozing that has happened on this show over the years, and then I have to ask myself, “Self? How many drinks is Jorge serving to get mentioned in the credits? How above and beyond is this guy performing to make The Producers perk up and say ‘we’ve never seen anyone pour this many drinks before, we need to give him an IMDB credit’?” Also:

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It’s published; there are no more rewrites. Stop reading your own book and fix Clare, who is crying and vomiting drama all over the rose ceremony. Tanner says, “Hopefully Chris Harrison can talk her off the ledge.” What do you mean, “hopefully”? Have you no faith in Chris Harrison? That man can sell ice to an eskimo. Shame on you, Tanner. Clare blubbers a little and then says she’s not ready to give up because she’s a fighter.

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Uh-huh, that’s great. Can we get back to the ceremony, please? Thanks….

Ashley I picks Jared

Clare picks JJ (Fuck! Really? How is this guy still here? He’s like douchebag terminator – he just…won’t…die.)

Juelia picks Joe

So it’s goodbye to Michael, Jonathon and Mikey T. And now that Mikey is in a car and on his way to the airport, Joe is talking tough again.

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I like Jonathon, but rose before bros! and Mikey T is my bitch. Grab a protein shake, bitch! Wait, what? There’s going to be a reunion show? Ummm….peace?

Meanwhile:

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Huh? Joe and Juelia? Yeah, I guess it’s a little messed up, but really, who cares? I’m hooking up with a Playboy model!

Juelia, Joe, Samantha Part I

Juelia is just SO TOTALLY HAPPY!

Juelia: I woke up excited about Joe, I’m feeling the feelings I’m supposed to feel. I have butterflies. I love him. Like, I LOVE him. He’s going to be a great dad.

Joe: I wasn’t interested in Juelia at all, I just needed to survive this rose ceremony until Samantha gets here. She’s my dream girl. I’m counting the days, minutes, hours until she gets here. I don’t know what Juelia needs. I don’t really care.

It’s so nice to see people form meaningful connections like this; it’s like one mind in two bodies. Anyway, we all know what this is leading up to, so let’s welcome Samantha!

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I’m kinda interested in Joe. He seems really sweet and nice. I’ve dated a lot of bad boy, player types, and I’m staying WAY away form that…

I hate to admit it, but she’s pretty hot, and on first blush, she seems nice. Hopefully she’s smart enough to see through Kentucky Joe. Uh, nope. She asks him out immediately and he says yes and flashes his most charmingly psychotic smile.

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It’s all coming together. Her head will be in my fridge by the end of the week…

And that’s all she wrote for Juelia. Jared tells Joe he needs to talk to her, to do the right thing, and then asks him point blank if he talked to Samantha before the show started.

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http://www.wikihow.com/Detect-a-Liar

I’d like to point out Step 3 – Watch for any gestures they make towards their face. Juelia is crying and Joe jokingly says that he’s in the hot seat. Yeah – just wait until you see Mikey T again, pal. Off to the Vidanta Resort in Puerto Nuevo, and the place is insane; it makes me want to go to Mexico right now. Actually, this whole show makes me want to go. Joe and Samantha meet with two photographers from People Magazine and they essentially have a soft-core porn shoot. They climb all over each other in various states of undress, though Joe has to put his shirt back on at some point, because he hasn’t hit the gym in about 25 years. Still think you’re knocking Mikey T out? They maul each other in a hot tub for a while, then head back to the house.

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Look Juelia! Joe bought me flowers!

Joe has officially moved on and Juelia says that this is the most disrespected she’s ever been. Quick question, Juelia: is this more or less disrespectful than you calling Jonathon and Mikey liars when they both warned you about Joe? Yeah, Joe played her, but she kinda let it happen, too. And Joe makes me pause for thought when he says “what’s the big deal? This isn’t church camp.” I haven’t changed my mind about him, but that is a fair point. He doesn’t have to be such a dick about it, though. He finally bows to the pressure and sits down with Juelia, and he doesn’t even attempt to make her feel better. She expresses how hurt she is, and all he has to do is lie a little more; not like he hasn’t been doing it the whole time. “Baby, I didn’t see this coming, I never thought I would feel like this about someone else. I had a really great connection with you, but it’s just a little stronger with Samantha. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.” It’s easy and everyone’s happy, but no. Joe says “thanks for sharing” and walks away. On second thought, maybe he’s not a dick; maybe he’s just too stupid to do the right thing.

Clare & the Raccoon

Just phenomenal. This is why the editors on this show are the best. They need an Emmy for this.

Carly & Kirk

Carly tells Jade that she needs to get laid, and fast, but Kirk isn’t making a move. Luckily, she gets a date card, so she can make a move of her own – and I still think she’s really cute when she’s into a guy. She just has a happy smile. The two of them run off to Vidanta Resort (who’s getting their sponsorship money’s worth this episode) and Carly’s brother is getting married today? Wow, close family. As always, people will do anything to be on TV. Carly and Kirk call her brother to tell him all about their 1-on-1 date, and her brother is enthralled with the story, because, you know, it’s his wedding day, and he doesn’t really have much happening in his world. And because we haven’t had fireworks yet this season:

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Really? How come this never happens in real life?

I don’t know if it’s the fireworks or Carly’s brother’s marriage or the salt sea air, but Kirk has no more doubts about Carly and suggests they get a hotel room:

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I’m SO glad I didn’t go to that wedding. Forget the bouquet – I’m catching Kirk’s baby-maker tonight!

So that happens, and we catch up with them in the morning, when Kirk calls Carly a “pinball machine”. What does that even mean? I have no joke here. Whatever, good for Kirk and Carly. I hope they fall in love and get married and her brother skips the wedding to go on Family Feud.

Ashley S, Dan, JJ and Yaaayyyyyyyy!

First off:

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I know I have kids and I’m old and I’m out of touch and whatever, but is that really a “look” now days? Because if it is, I’m glad I’m not single anymore. Ashley LOVES Dan! She’s smitten! How does Dan feel, you ask? Well, when they were off camera the other night, Ashley let her craycray loose and Dan’s a little freaked out. Let’s talk:

Ashley: I think you’re amazing.

Dan: Um, yeah, about that…I saw some red flags the other night…

Ashley: What do you mean?

Dan: Just some things that haven’t worked for me in past relationships…

Ashley: Which things? The screaming, throwing the television against the wall, or threatening you with the machete?

Dan: [starting to sweat] We don’t need to be specific, but things did get a little intense and I have some questions now.

Ashley: I feel like you’re scared to tell me what you’re thinking.

Dan: I am scared. Because you’re nuts. And I don’t want my junk to end up in Jorge’s blender.

Ashley: [eyes narrowing] I love by the sun and live by the moon.

Dan: What are you talking about?

Dan tells us that he’s concerned enough to be VERY interested in whoever joins the group next, which segue’s nicely into an introduction – my absolute favorite of all time, Megan from Farmer Chris’s season. She starts off in prime form, by trading Chris Harrison her “sobrero” for a date card.

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Here you go, Megan. It’s an audio card, because we know you can’t read. And it’s “sombrero”, by the way.

Love her. It’s not actually an audio card, but she does need Ashley I’s help to read it, which speaks volumes. Dan and JJ immediately get to work competing for Megan’s attention, which is easier said than done, because she has the concentration of tsetse fly. Dan says he was hoping the whole time that Megan would be here. And then there’s JJ:

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JJ: I was an investment banker, but I have a 3.5 year old daughter, so I haven’t worked in the 3 years since I got divorced.

Someone in the back: And you live in your mom’s basement.

JJ: It’s an upstairs loft, actually. And mom makes great meatloaf and does my laundry.

Megan thinks long and hard and then gets distracted by a crab and then tries to remember what she was thinking about and then a Producer reminds her she has to choose a guy for a date and then she thinks again and her brain starts to hurt, so she picks JJ because she’s always been cheated on before and he seems like the right choice, and my jaw hits the floor. Seriously, how does this guy do it? Is it just me? How does JJ always manage to stick around? Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait until tomorrow for their date, because…

Juelia, Joe, Samantha Part II

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Juelia: Are Joe and Sam sneaking into the hot tub?

Ashley S: Can you feel the healing winds of Mother Gaia?

Juelia: What are you talking about?

Juelia is bent out of shape because Joe told her he’s “never felt this way about a girl” and she’s starting to think he lied. He didn’t lie, Juelia; he was just talking about Samantha. You should have pressed him on who he felt that strongly about. Juelia’s feeling lonely, so she calls her daughter while Samantha gives Joe a handjob in the hot tub, and I’m not making that last part up. They need to get a cleaning crew in there, stat.

It comes to light that Joe and Samantha talked before the show started, and everyone gets a little righteous, because that apparently breaks some unwritten rule. There are rules on Whore Island? Dan pulls Joe aside and tells him Juelia wants a sit down. Joe gets indignant: “I’m not moving one inch. We can talk right here. What I do is none of your business, and I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. I’m my own man and I don’t bend for anybody!” And then Dan gives him a stern look and…

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Alright, maybe I’ll listen to Dan just this once. But only because I WANT to talk to Juelia! And Dan’s still my bitch. (My mic’s not on, is it?)

Juelia: I feel like I got played.

Joe: You and I had a great connection, but I have a stronger one with Sam.

Juelia: Mikey and Jonathon said you were only here for Samantha.

Joe: No they didn’t.

Juelia: Yeah, actually, they did.

Joe: No, no…you’re mistaken.

Juelia: Are you telling me I didn’t hear what I heard?

Joe: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. That, and you probably should have listened to them.

Juelia: Well, Samantha is a good friend of mine, so I think I’ll go have a little chat with her…

Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s not get crazy now!

And Juelia and Samantha run off to discuss all things Kentucky.

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Joe: I can’t believe I could lose Sam over…what’s her name?

Intern: Juelia.

Joe: Jewel-eee-uhh? How do you spell that?

Tonight – the Crazy ramps up to 11! See you then…

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