Bachelor in Paradise 3.2 – Behind Every Devious Man is a Devious Woman

Wow – Samantha turned out to be COLD-blooded. More on the bizarro world that is Joe and Sam in a moment. But first, let’s the get the minor subplots out of the way.

Ashley S, Dan, Amber

Ashley S has been deteriorating at a pretty alarming rate; clearly she didn’t bring enough medication to last the entire trip. But she’s keeping a brave face despite the steady decline of Abilify in her system, and she has high hopes for her relationship with Dan, because “there’s really no one else here for him.” Cue Amber from Chris’s season, who is all hot and bothered over Dan and asks him out on her date. Funny how the timing is always so perfect on this show. Having watched the train wreck that was Kentucky Joe, Dan does the right thing and talks to Ashley first, and she doesn’t say anything to make her look less crazy. She goes off on him for not saying what she wants to hear without really saying what it is she wants to hear, and Dan looks like he can’t get out of there fast enough.

So, it’s off to Puerto Vallarta with Amber. She climbs a ladder, he looks up her skirt. They kiss in the street. More fireworks, because they’re basically free in Mexico and you can shoot them off anywhere, so why not. Amber asks what happened with Ashley, Dan says she went nuts, and Amber nods sympathetically. She’s cute and nice, he’s happy she’s normal, whatever. It was a nice, if slightly boring date.

So now Ashley is telling Juelia that she feels “disrespected”, and that Dan is a big fat liar that led her on and played with her emotions and it’s sad. And Juelia is thinking “actually, you went crazeballs and scared him off, so you know, not exactly the same situation as mine.” Then they watch Joe and Samantha frolic in the water:

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That’s a new one. Straight from the ‘Kama Sutra: Revised Edition, Featuring 23 Lost Positions!’

And then Ashley gets bored and goes to walk with the animals, talk with the animals, grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals, in the hopes that they might talk with her too.

JJ & Megan

Boat date! Though The Producers are making them sit outside in the rain?

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Megan: Why is Mexico crying? Is it because New Mexico called it a cougar and said it’s eggs were dried up?

Megan follows up a “motorboating” joke with “this is the quickest I’ve been wet on a first date”, and I start thinking: is Megan really not that bright, or is she actually smart and has the cleverest, most subtle sense of humor on the show? I’m giving the latter at least a 10% chance. They jet ski through some caves, and JJ seems like a decent guy until he says “we’re on a different level intellectually”, annnnd now he’s back. They seem to hit it off, and it looks like JJ will be here for another week after this. Amazing.

Tenley & Josh

Tenley is still staring at Josh’s hands.

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They’re just so….big!

The Main Event

Samantha sits down with Jade and Juelia so she can hear about what a dick Joe is. Juelia says that Joe immediately asked her out (well…he threw out an open invitation to the group 6 hours after he showed up and you raised your hand, but we’ll let the details slide…), and then fed her a load of bullshit to get her rose (which is completely accurate).

Samantha: Ok, let’s hear Joe’s side.

Juelia: Ummm…what?

Samantha: I’ve heard your side of the story, I only think it’s fair for Joe to be here, so we can all discuss it.

Juelia: I don’t want to talk to him.

Samantha: Then we’re done.

Juelia: [very confused] I’m trying to warn you about this guy. He’s a dick and I don’t you to get hurt.

Samantha: I’m not worried about that. I feel great in my relationship with Joe.

Juelia: What’s happening here?

So, that didn’t go as planned. Getting weirder, Samantha goes to Joe’s room, and starts telling him what to say, like two convicts trying to get their stories straight.

Joe: Why they keep askin’ quesh-tuns?

Samantha: Stop giving them information.

Joe: But I an-surrd so many quesh-tuns.

Samantha: Don’t worry about it. Just say we talked a couple times. That’s it.

Joe: I get quesh-tuns alll day.

Samantha: [snapping her fingers in front of his eyes] Hey! Focus! We never met, and I wanted to wait until we got here to get to know you. OK?

Joe: Quesh-tuns hurt mah braayyn.

Samantha: [slapping Joe in the face] Hey! I was just in the interview room, giving my side of the story! We need to get on the same page!

Joe: Why yoo hittun’ me?

Samantha: [composing herself] Sorry. I’m sorry, ok? Look, just repeat after me: ‘We only talked a few times’.

Joe: Y’all.

Samantha: Arrgghhhhhh….

Then she looks at the camera…

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…and Samantha officially scares the hell out of me. Holy Black Widow. This scene kind of changed the dynamic, no? I’m getting a real Kathleen Turner from Body Heat vibe (yeah, I just dated myself. Maybe Neve Campbell in Wild Things? Whatever – Google it). It’s starting to look like she’s pulling the strings and Kentucky Joe is following along because he’s thinking with all the parts below his personal Mason-Dixon line. End result: everybody hates both of them now.

Later that night, the boys are talking and they’re all bent because Joe lied to Jared. How about treating Jonathon like a complete asshole and manipulating the poor guy for no reason at all? How come no one’s pissed about that? JJ says that if Joe and Sam talked before the show, then he needs to “recluse” himself. It’s “recuse”, buddy; still feeling intellectually superior? Tanner sums up everything that Joe did wrong eloquently and succinctly, the best job out of anyone so far. I like this guy; I hope he lands himself a Playmate. Eventually, JJ confronts Joe, they argue, and Joe really isn’t that bright. It lends credence to the theory that Samantha is pulling the strings in this relationship. The quote of the night:

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What planet am I on, that I would come all the way to Paradise thinking that I liked JJ better than Joe right now?

Amazing. JJ tells Joe he’s free to walk away, because he “doesn’t have a leash on him”. Joe takes offense, and JJ stands up, gets inches away from his face and says “How do you want to settle this?” And Joe turns around, and walks away with his tail between his legs, mumbling to himself.

And I have the exact same expression as Jared. Holy crap. I like JJ now, too. That was amazing.

TO.BE.CONTINUED.

Previews: so much drama next week, that even the Black Widow Samantha is crying. And the rest of the season looks absolutely crazy train. No one’s staying together.


Afterthoughts:

– Jenny Mollen brought her husband to work? What’s that guy doing these days? Is he still living off American Pie money? Just have sex with one pie, and you’ll never have to work again.

– JJ’s Jar Jar Binks impersonation was pretty amazing.

– Everyone has a twitter account. Wait – does Megan have one? Yes she does! @meganbellabc – I already looked, it was underwhelming.

– I LOVED Guardians of the Galaxy.

– Ben H gets announced as new Bachelor next week. It’s kind of a lock at this point, isn’t it?

 

See you next time, folks….

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