There are crabs everywhere. Big ones, little ones. Little ones riding on top of big ones. I’ve been to Sayulita and I don’t remember seeing crabs everywhere. Were the producers specifically looking for a place with some kind of infestation? Hotel Owners: “We have a minor crab problem, but we promise it will be taken care of by the time filming starts.” Producers: “Crabs? Did you say crabs? No, no, no – don’t do a thing. Are they big? Do they hunger for human flesh?” On to the intro:

Clare’s still here? What pisses her off more, not being on Dancing With the Stars or being relegated to the back page because of Joe and Samantha?

We return to the scene of JJ and Joe’s confrontation. JJ is still challenging Joe, while Joe hides behind a tree for a while, then runs off to tell Jorge that JJ is his cabron. Jorge nods and smiles and hands Joe another appletini. But Joe’s not about to let the “qwesh-tuns” and “draw-muh” ruin his time in paradise:

I don’t care, ‘cos Samantha is hot and she’s my guy…wait…no, she’s a girl and she’s not with another guy, so I’m her guy, and she’s MY girl, not like Juelia, who was just A girl that this guy needed to get to a different girl…who was Samantha. Who’s hot.

Next up is Rose Night, and who voted Jade spokeswoman of the group? And everybody wants JJ to give his rose to Juelia, so she can stick around and see who else is coming. Which means what? JJ gets tossed next week when someone new comes in? I get that Juelia got screwed over, but how is that JJ’s fault? He looked like he hit it off with Megan; why should he throw himself on the grenade because Joe and Samantha are dicks? It makes more sense to me for Tanner or Kirk or Welder Boy to take the hit, and then their corresponding girl leaves with them, since they already “found love” and all. I know it’s a minor thing to rant about, but the hypocrisy drives me nuts. Anyway, JJ offers his rose to Juelia, but she says no, she’s not looking for charity.

Other events: Joe tries to come clean about what happened, but Samantha is sticking to her story like a pitbull. Everyone knows she’s lying and even Joe looks more confused than usual, but she doesn’t give an inch. At some point, people simply give up talking to them and restart their own lives.

I just want to stare at Jared’s face all night. I even wore my necklace from Titanic!

Dan: No one knows who I am.

Amber: That’s so weird! No one knows me either! How many twitter followers do you have?

Dan: Four. You?

Amber: I have 3, and one of them is my mom.

Juelia interrupts Chris Harrison telling a story from his early years:

Yeah, I remember when I was still cage fighting in Asia, and the local muscle walks up to me in an opium den and says, “Hey man, I don’t believe those stories about you fighting for the Triads out of Shanghai”, and I’m like “Yeah? Then let’s get in the ring and see what’s up?” And he’s got his two friends with him, right? And they look like they’re about to piss themselves, so I say “You know what? I’m in a good mood today, so I’m only gonna beat the crap out of two of you, and I’ll let the third drive you to the hospital. Which one’s it gonna be?”  Oh! Hey Juelia!

Juelia is feeling guilty about calling Mikey a liar and sending him home, so she asks Chris to bring him back. Chris Harrison calls it unprecedented – it’s Season 2, by the way, and apparently we’ve already set precedence. Juelia is only staying if a ‘miracle’ happens. Fortunately for her, miracles are Chris Harrison’s specialty.

Rose Ceremony

Shockingly, JJ is the big decision maker again. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that if they do not get a rose then they will be leaving paradise forever, except for Clare, who can come back every season for as long as the show airs. And away we go:

Josh picks Tenley

Jared picks Ashley I

Kirk picks Carly

Tanner picks Jade

JJ picks Megan. No, sorry – he does the ‘right’ thing and picks Juelia. Wait, what? He picked Ashley S? Come again? Then he “recluses” himself, because there’s a girl waiting for him back in Denver, and he’s going home to beg for forgiveness for dumping her to scam on drunk chicks in Mexico. And if anyone can pull that off, it’s JJ. I’ve never seen a guy do more with less in my life.

Joe picks Samantha

Dan – he pulls Carly aside for a bit, asks what he should do, she tells him Juelia is the ‘no-brainer’ choice, and then he has a brief moment of clarity and says “F’ that. I’m picking Amber!”

So goodbye to Megan, Clare, and Juelia. Clare is especially bitter: “If they had just chosen me for Bachelorette, I wouldn’t have to be here.” Or, you could just be like normal people and meet someone online. I liked her a lot better when she was kooky and cried a lot; bitter Clare doesn’t do it for me. But the best moment is the return of Mikey T.

You ask for miracles? I give you Christopher Bryan Harrison.

Juelia thinks it’s a romantic gesture to fly all the way back to paradise. Really? Re-enter adult society or fly back to Mexico? THAT sounds like the no-brainer decision of the evening. Regardless, Mikey is back, and everyone is happy, except for Kentucky Joe:

I think I just pooed a little…

Date Cards – Marcus and Lacy, Your Flight Leaves Tonight

Sorry, Tanner and Jade. But they are rapidly approaching Marcus and Lacy levels of boredom. They fly to Tequila where Tanner hacks an agave plant to death, and they get an overnight date card. That’s literally it. Tanner says that he would be insane to turn this down, gets Jade to the hotel room, she’s ready to go, and then he channels his inner-Marcus and makes his best attempt to talk himself out of her pants.

Tanner: I’m nervous.

Jade: About what? We’re just making out.

Tanner: About my feelings.

Jade: Huh?

Tanner: I’m scared of love.

Jade: Well, yeah, I guess love can be scary…

Tanner: I’m scared of you.

Jade: What do you think I’m going to do to you? I’m not Ashley S.

Tanner: I’m scared I’ll fall in love and you’ll hurt my feelings.

Jade: [rolls her eyes a little] I like you, alright? I’m into you, we’re on the same page, stop worrying about it. Ok?

Tanner: Can I kiss your shoulder again?

Ugh. So disappointed with these two. I used to like Tanner, too. Remember the first episode, when he was funny? Then Jade picks him for a date, and he acts like he’s waiting to wake up from a dream. Lighten up, pal.

Nick and Ashley S…and maybe Samantha, too

So, Nick from Ashley’s season shows up, and in an interesting turn of events, he’s been texting back and forth with Samantha, and apparently she was very excited to meet him in Paradise. And the Samantha picture is starting to come into focus. I couldn’t figure out why she would put so much effort into scheming with Kentucky Joe. Regardless of whether or not she has questionable morals, she’s smoking hot and WAY out of his league. You don’t go from a Superbowl party at Jeremy Piven’s Malibu beach house to falling in love with a borderline Neanderthal over an Instagram message. But now, we know she was talking to Nick too, and who knows, maybe someone else. Here’s my take: she got zero airtime on Farmer Chris’s season. No one even knew she was there. Everyone else is milking their 15 minutes of fame, and her clock didn’t even start ticking. And when she got a second chance, she was going to make sure that she stuck around to the end, so she strung Nick and Hillbilly along, knowing that one of them would be around when she got here, and she could use them for as much airtime as possible. Problem is, she backed herself into a corner, and now she has to say ‘no’ to Nick when he asks her out, otherwise she looks like even more of an asshole, if that’s possible.

So, Nick asks Ashley S out instead. They’re supposed to go to an island, but Hurricane Carlos has shut it down. Is there a plan B?

Ashley: Apparently, it’s 5 o’clock everywhere…

Then Ashley gives Nick a hand massage and we see 38 close-ups of his junk. Can you show a boner on TV now? Since when? They drink a little more in the hot tub (ok, a LOT more), and she’s out to Pluto, but he’s loaded so they sloppily maul each other and that’s about it.

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Jared and Ashley I-Lashes

Jared decides to tell Ashley what everyone else already knows, that he’s not over Kaitlyn and he has no interest in Ashley. He doesn’t telegraph it very well, because Ashley sees a daybed on the beach, candles, and alone time, and thinks “romance!”. She does her makeup extra-special for her extra-special night, and it all goes swimmingly for about 10 seconds, until Jared says “you should talk to other guys because I’m still into Kaitlyn and it’s not really working for us.” And because we haven’t seen this in a couple weeks:

Lovely Better Half: One of her fake nails fell off. I hope she has more.

That’s why I love her, ladies and gentlemen – she sees the things that I don’t. Then Ashley calls Kaitlyn and screams and cries, and Kaitlyn says, “aren’t you the one that brought Nick to meet me in New York? I thought I told you not to call me?”

Samantha and Joe – The Wheels Come Off

Joe loves Samantha. Wants to have a million babies with Samantha. And, it’s his birthday! So Jorge makes him a cake and Joe invites Samantha to celebrate with him. Of course, the girls are giving away the roses this week, and Joe has turned radioactive in this group and thus outlived his usefulness, so she drops him like a bad habit. On his birthday. Without even having any cake.

You know, I’ve never had this much drama around me, and I’m trying to figure out what’s new in my life, and hey! It’s you! You’re what’s new! And I have to wonder why other people say you’re a bad guy, and well…I have my reputation to think about. I think you’re sweet; but no one else likes you, and I don’t really need you anymore. Sorry not sorry. Happy birthday, though!

And she leaves him out to dry. Joe takes his cake and eats it too, while Samantha is – for some completely unknown reason – welcomed by the rest of the group with open arms. What she doesn’t realize is that Joe has the Bachelor equivalent of the Nixon tapes on his cell phone, and the shit hits the fan tomorrow night. See ya then, my friends…

Now, let’s watch Sam and Joe get sucked out to see by the undertow…