It doesn’t rain in Paradise! Harrison, get God on the phone…

And it’s not just raining in Paradise, my friends; it’s raining in Joe’s cold, broken heart. He and Sam had such an amazing connection and an incredible first date; it’s not right for her to go out with Justin and, as Joe explains through deft use of third person narrative, “It’s not fair to Joe.” Then, he explains his plans for life after Paradise: “Joe like Sam. Joe take Sam home. Joe raise horsey with papa.” Samantha, sensing Joe about to crack through her Black Widow Intuition, pulls him aside and talks him off the ledge.

Samantha: I couldn’t stop thinking about you last night. I feel like we really have an amazing connection.

Joe: Omigod, I’m so sorry about everything I did and for being sarcastic and if I made you mad and please don’t slap me and I’m sorry again and I don’t want you to go on a date but if you want to go that’s fine and I’m sorry and I love you.

Samantha: [holding her hands up] I know, I got it – you can stop talking now. I’m not going on the date with Justin.

Joe: OhThankGod…

Then Joe feels nauseous and has to lie down while Samantha tells Justin the date is off because she has to kill Joe before she can start seeing other people. Confused, Justin looks around at a sea of couples, figures that Amber is least attached and says “Hey, you doing anything this afternoon?” Amber looks up at Dan surveying his kingdom…

I am the ruler of all that I see…

….and says “Nope! Let’s go!” Just to clarify, Dan put shoes on, but no shirt, and he just hangs out like that. You know, thinking deep thoughts and shit. They run off on their date, while we meet the newest contestant:

When daytime ends, Bukowski starts…

Chris Bukowsi, ladies and gentlemen! If there was ever a poster child for “reality life is better than real life”, it’s this guy. He’s been on everything. He hates the outside world so much, that he shows up to stuff uninvited an unannounced. Well folks, he’s back again, and as Chris Harrison puts it, “The fifth time’s a charm.” Chris hits the bar and, in a heavy-handed bit of foreshadowing, immediately orders a vodka soda. Because that’s what you go to Mexico for – the vodka.

It’s gonna be a good episode.

Justin, Amber, Dan

Justin and Amber go to Sayulita and (randomly and not arranged ahead of time at all) stumble upon a bar giving salsa lessons. They dance; Justin’s terrible, but he gives it a shot, and it’s working for Amber because she loses control and yanks his shirt off:

Holy crap, do they have sunscreen at Playa Escondida? We know they have booze and a Costco-sized pallet of condoms, but did The Producers remember sunscreen? I’ve never seen so many sunburned people in my life. Nice tan line under your man-boobs, too. Anyway, Amber must like her guys hot pink, because she goes into a tizzy and they maul each other in the surf. Then Amber cries, and sits down to tell Dan that even though she mauled Justin’s crispy-skinned body, she was really thinking about him the whole time. Dan isn’t bothered in the least, and tells Amber that he’s not really into her and she should go out with other guys anyway. He knows the girls are giving out the roses this week, right? Lovely Better Half thinks he’s a good guy. I think he’s being stupid, because if Chris Bukowski’s appearance proves anything, it’s that reality sucks, and you do what it takes to stay on television. Speaking of which…

Bukowski, Tenley, and Grey Goose

Chris has decided that he wants to ask Tenley out, but he has to take care of a few things first, namely 1) find all the vodka and all the soda water in the house, 2) have Jorge mix it into a giant vat, and 3) drink it all as fast as possible. He’s basically blind by noon.

I’m telling you right now, RIGHT NOW, Bachelor Pad…was…the bestshowever…

And that’s pretty much how his day goes. Eventually, the sun sets and Chris remembers his date card and steps away from the bar long enough to pull Tenley aside.

Chris: So, alright, so you know alright like you know you’re the only girl like I’m really incher…intruss…inchurrsted in. Right?

Tenley: Um, that’s really nice. But, I just want to say that I’m with Josh – but you’re really really sweet! – so we can go out, but it would be as friends.

Chris: Ok, but like friends that make out and stuff. Right?

Tenley: No, regular friends. That don’t make out or hold hands or touch each other in any way. Do you understand?

Chris: [nodding his head] Nope.

Tenley: If you’re just looking for someone to hang out with on your date, I’ll go. But if you’re looking for a romantic connection, you should ask someone else. Understand?

Chris: Nope.

Tenley: I’m with Josh, I’m not into you.

Chris: [sly smile] So you’re saying there’s a chance!

Tenley: No. I’m not saying that at all. Not even remotely.

Chris: OK, I got it. But I don’t believe you.

Tenley: I’m gonna go now.

Chris: I’ll see you mana…mannn-yaaa…ma-na-ma-na..

Tenley: Mañana?

Chris: [winking] Nope. Tomorrow.

Then Josh the Welder asks a barely conscious Chris for his date card, and I’m waiting for the fight to break out, but Chris gives it to him! Then Chris leaves the show. Just walks out of paradise – no shirt, no shoes, no girl, nothing. Did he really just fly down to Mexico to drink for 10 hours and then fly straight home? Hey, I guess it’s better than tearing an MCL like last time. I know it’s ridiculous, but I’m not going to lie; a substantial part of me thinks this is glorious beyond belief. God, I wish I was in my late-20’s again. You could do crap like this all the time.

Chris Josh and Tenley – Guadalajara

Josh and Tenley meet a celebrity chef at a farmers market and try a bunch of local fruit and peppers and stuff. Then they meet at Restaurante Alcalde for a meal cooked by the head chef himself. Josh describes the main course as “one of the best 3 things he’s ever put in his face.” I’d love to ear what the other 2 are. This is, hands down, the best date on the show so far. The chef is cool, the food is incredible – LBH and I were drooling the whole time. Which, now that I think about it, shows how old and boring I am. In my 20’s, I’m Chris Bukowski, flying to Mexico to get half naked and drink myself stupid for the day. Now, a trip to the farmers market and a nice meal sounds just WONderful. Sigh… They finish with the “horny cheese” dessert – made with cheese known to be an aphrodisiac – and it looks like the 2nd of the best 3 things Josh has ever put in his face. And if the date keeps going this well, the 3rd thing will be Tenley. Let’s finish up the day with a carriage ride:

That cheese was awesome! Let the spanking begin…

Rose Ceremony

Already? There’s like an hour left in the show. Could this be “the most dramatic rose ceremony…EVER”? Let’s find out.

Ashley pulls Jared aside and hands him a letter, because his face is so perfect she can’t look directly a him, and it’s easier to communicate through written word. Also, as Ashley puts it, she’s “a natural writer”:

That’s my face right now, too…

I was going to make a few jokes about that last comment, but I actually googled and skimmed through a piece she wrote for Cosmo, and it was thoughtful and well-written, and it was a more serious subject than what I’m writing about, so I’ll refrain and give credit where it’s due. However, at 6 pages double-sided, and including such gems as “I think you’re greater than Tom Brady”, the letter to Jared might not be the best example of her work.

Amber is tired of hooking-up with the C-list of the C-list celebrities, and decides to hit on Jared. She patiently waits for an hour while Jared finishes his homework assignment, and then ambushes him at the bar. Amber wants to give him her rose, and he smiles and says “I think you’re great, too!” but he’s not interested. Everyone on this show constantly says “Why is Samantha/Joe/Clare/Whoever even here?” You know what – why the fuck is Jared even here? The guy shows zero interest in anyone, he’s not hooking up with anyone, he’s not even making an attempt. He mopes around, “umm, yeah, ok, I’ll go on a date, sure, whatever”, and then nothing. I want to like this guy, but he’s not giving me much to work with. Anyway, Amber lets Ashley I know what’s going on and then this happens:

I’ve never been this emotionally overwhelmed in my life…

I challenge that. Ashley I gets emotionally overwhelmed parallel parking. I think her entire life is a waterfall of overwhelming emotion. And she clearly didn’t bring any back-up nails. She brought so much makeup that she had to pay extra baggage fees, but no extra fake nails. Seems like a rookie move to me.

Joe is having a nice, romantic talk with Samantha: “This is for real. We could be like Bonnie and Clyde. Jordan and Pippen.” And what could be more romantic than winning 6 NBA titles? Just what every girl wants to hear, you silver-tongued devil.

And then there’s Dan, who looked too closely into Samantha’s eyes, and now she owns his soul. What is it about this girl? Yeah, she’s good-looking, but these guys are ready to tear each other apart over her. Don’t any of these guys understand that as far back as Samantha can remember, she has always had a guy hitting on her, so she treats every single guy she meets like shit? I don’t care how hot she is, no one is worth that. Regardless, like a moth to a flame, Dan is compelled to throw himself at Samantha, and he does it the old-fashioned Bachelor way: by throwing Joe under the bus! Joe’s a bad guy, he’s a liar, he’s manipulative, you shouldn’t be around him. The punchline: “I don’t have anything against him – except for all the shit I just said, plus he sucks and he’s not good enough for you.” Joe steals her away to make out in a bush (because he’s romantic, remember?), but it’s not enough to turn things around, as we shall see.

Finally the rose ceremony starts, and Samantha tries to consume Chris Harrison’s soul with her deadly stare:

Chris Harrison: Lower your eyes, Samantha. Your mind games may work on these feeble-minded fools, but your rudimentary skills at manipulation are mere parlor tricks in my world…

Carly picks Kirk

Jade picks Tanner

Tenley picks Josh, since Chris Bukowski went home already

Juelia picks Mikey

Ashley S picks Nick

Ashley I picks Jared – “ummm, sure, ok, whatever…”

Amber picks Justin

Samantha gives a prepared speech about not wanting drama, then stirs the pot a little more by picking Dan

That’s crazy!

Between the expressions on Tanner, Mikey T, and Joe, I love everything about this pic. Mikey looks ready to pounce, like he wants Joe to lose his mind so he has an excuse to beat the crap out of him.

Everyone is shocked that Samantha would choose Dan. Well, everyone except Nick: “She’ll get more twitter followers.” Bingo. Samantha is milking the camera this season, and she doesn’t care how she does it. She talks to Joe one last time – you know, because she’s all about avoiding drama – and it’s like a messy divorce. By the way, these two have probably been in Mexico for 5 days in real time. As per Joe, he talks about kicking Dan’s ass once he’s safely away in the car, and then we FINALLY get to see the mythical text message:

“Samantha s 2 goals” – Samantha talks in third person, too? Maybe they were meant for each other…

Joe tells us that a guy like him never gets a girl like that – because he deserves better. There you go, pal; take the high road. And, to prove how much classier than Sam he really is, he says “Dammit. I should’ve fucked her brains out.” Annnnd, he’s back…

And now that Joe is gone, Samantha needs a guy to take his place, so insert Dan here: “I’m very happy right now. Samantha is a great girl, nice and sweet, and she’s really hot. I feel like we have a very strong connection. I feel like our relationship has the most potential outside of Paradise. [ed: bear in mind, they talked to each other 1-on-1 30 minutes ago and haven’t been on a date yet] I’m sure she gave me the rose because she sees potential in our relationship and our feelings for each other are mutual.” No, Dan, she gave you the rose because she needed to get rid of Joe, and it was either this or hiding his body in a craft services freezer. Meanwhile, Samantha is quietly humming an old Police tune to her herself: yoouuu’ll be, wraapped around my feeengerrrrr….

Ashley S says some stuff, but you need to see it for yourself – I can’t do it justice. Into the chaos walks an unsuspecting Chelsea, from Juan Pablo’s season. (I had to look her up. Actually, I didn’t even do that. I’m running out of steam.) Carly, purely for the benefit of the group at large, decides to steer Chelsea in an advantageous direction. “So, um, I’m with Kirk. We’re like practically married. And then Tanner is taken. And so is Josh, Jared, Nick and Mikey. Oh! I know! Dan is very available! You should ask him out!” Subtle, Carly. See everyone tonight…

And now, let’s listen to Jared read section 3, chapter 5, part 2, paragraphs 12-43 of Ashley I’s letter.

My god, this is thing is longer than War and Peace…