Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish! And now we get to witness the first golden shower in bachelor history (as far as we know…), because according to Juelia, peeing on it is the only thing that works. Well, besides a mixture of vinegar and sea water, and then some hydrocortisone cream, but hey, if The Producers couldn’t be bothered to provide sunscreen, you can forget such grandiose gestures as a basic first aid kit, so it’s off to the bathroom! At least Tenley is concerned enough to ask “does it feel good?” Then, Lovely Better Half says “Good thing she didn’t get stung in the face” and I nearly spit my beer all over the living room.

Chelsea & Nick

Chelsea needs a date, so she starts interviewing guys. Dan is from Northern California (oh…) but lives in Vegas now (whoa…) – red flag, sister. Anyone that would willingly move to a town with a 24-hour liquor policy and the worst high school graduation rate in the country, and is populated primarily by strippers, gamblers, and personal injury attorneys – well, they might not be “family oriented”. And, actually, the good strippers live in LA and fly in for the weekends, so you can’t even count on them to help raise the bar. So, it’s on to Nick’s interview. I don’t remember what he says other than ‘yes’ when Chelsea asks him out, and the rest of the group is depressed, because this means that Dan won’t be dumping Samantha.

Despite their deep depression, however, they gather to say a prayer for Nick as he takes the long walk to Ashley’s room to tell her about his date with Chelsea. He straps on a helmet, some body armor, and a protective cup, gets halfway through his first trembling sentence (“I-I-I had a gr-r-re-e-at time on our-“) when Ashley cuts him off and says, “I get it. I feel the same way.” Apparently, she’s been here before. She’s a pretty girl, but there’s a lot of demons flying around that head, and guys can’t run fast enough. As far as the actual date:

What can I say? It’s a boat date, the best date ever. If I had a boat, I’d never date on land – I know, I’ve said it too many times by now. But it’s true, and that is one hell of a boat. Full on P Diddy yacht, not like the fishing trawler they sent Kaitlyn through the North Atlantic on. Nick and Chelsea dive in the water, reenact Titanic, etc – all the stuff you do on a boat. And then he kills the moment by telling Chelsea that he really wants to date Samantha. Give me a break with the Samantha obsession. At this point, we need a black ops team to swoop in, extract these guys to an offsite location, and deprogram them. “Samantha is not all that! Say it! Or you get the hose!”

Ashley S Roundtable – What Did She Say To You?

– She yelled at me for using a water bottle.

– She yelled at me for being sick and not being in bed.

– She yelled at me for not taking her to bed.

– She told me I wasn’t treating her the way Jesus would treat people.

Mackenzie & Justin

Let’s welcome Mackenzie from Farmer Chris’s season, a young mother, son named Kale (or is it a daughter? Is Kale a boy’s or a girl’s name?), and the father may or may not be an alien who left her to defend his home planet from invasion; we never confirmed. she asks Justin out, and she’s excited to go on a date with a single father.

I haven’t been on a date for a while, probably since Chris’s season. And I’ve never dated a father. Except for Kale’s dad, of course. It’ll be nice to be with someone who loves someone else. Besides themselves. Who’s a kid. But their kid, not someone else’s kid. That would be weird and not nice. It’s amazing.

I forgot how dim this girl was. She was Megan before Megan was Megan. Anyway, neither Mackenzie or Justin speak Spanish, but through generous use of hand gestures, they strip down, wave some smoke, slap mud all over themselves, and then give each other a sponge bath.

There’s no way this is a real ceremony. The Producers made this up just to fuck with them, right?

They wrap things up with a song, and then the shaman says “You’re married!” and Mackenzie sounds like she’s all in.

Mackenzie: That’s it, we’re Mexican citizens married. If we have kids together, I’m not sure if that means our kids are Mexican, because we’re both American. Oh yeah, mermaids are real, too.

Justin: I want a divorce.

Dan is Smitten

“Samantha is my dream girl. The conversation is so easy, and so interesting. And we have so much in common! We like the same foods. We like the same movies. We like the same music. We even have the same favorite color! We both love red! Though she said blood red, and it did sound a little weird the way she said it, but who cares! She’s amazing!”

Jaclyn, Jared, & Ashley I

Here’s Jaclyn from Ben’s season, and she has a reputation for “shaking things up”, which strikes me as funny. Like she’s the “bad girl” of the Bachelor world. She seems kind of annoying and not terribly attractive to me, though I have to give her credit for one good line: “They might as well call this show Kaitlyn’s rejects.” That’s pretty funny. Jaclyn tells us that Jared has “potench” (come again? is that a real phrase?), so she does the one thing that Ashley I would never, ever, in a million years, do:

She sits down with Jared and has a conversation with him. No awkward giggling and hiding behind her hand, no passing of 15 page love notes in homeroom – Jaclyn simply pulls up a chair and gets to know him, by using words that come out of her mouth. This behavior is clearly way over the line, and it looks like Tenley won’t be the only person peeing on someone tonight.

In a desperate attempt to refocus Jared’s attention on herself, Ashley asks Chris Harrison for a date card “leading to a fantasy suite”, because when another woman talks to your guy, the only viable option is to give up your carefully preserved virginity. Just as Jaclyn is about to ask out Jared, Ashley card-blocks her and invites him on her overnight date. “Yeah, sure, cool, whatever…”, and Jaclyn is left in the lurch. And now, questions of “will she or won’t she” are rippling through the Paradise Community. By the way, does anybody else find it creepy that Tanner loves saying the phrase “v-card”? Can’t he just ask, “Hey Jared, would you really do it if Ashley wanted to?” “Take her V-card” sounds a little too eager. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Anyway, Ashley is ready to rock, and she and Jared run off to meet their destiny.

Girl….(dum-DUM-dum-dum)…you’ll be a woman, soon….

Next week, the SHOCKING Two Night Epic Finale! My god – I think I’m going to need a few Jorge Specials for this one. See ya then, folks…

And now, let’s watch Ashley I wash her extensions on the beach and talk about botox. Botox at 27 years old. I’m telling you, they need to film this girl’s 30th birthday.

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Afterthoughts

– Kris Jenner cancelled last minute. What, The Producers couldn’t pull together her appearance fee? Nope; swollen lips due to an ‘allergic reaction’. Yeah, an allergic reaction to her lip injections.

– Retiring Chris Bukowski’s jersey was good, the raccoon was pushing it. Notice, Clare hasn’t announced her retirement. I’m pretty confident that next year will be Clare’s year to find love.

– Samantha refusing to come out until Jenny Mollen leaves was the only good thing she’s done this season. Samantha’s story is shaky at best, until Harrison pulls out the 400 text messages between her and Joe, and the whole charade crumbles. Sam does not look better after this interview.

– Speaking of text messages, there’s no way Joe printed all of those out and had it leather bound just for Chris Harrison. I’d bet a thousand dollars Joe put that together before filming started as a gift for Black Widow. And I love the fact that the whole thing was bookmarked, like Harrison picks it up from time to time and reads his favorite texts.

– If Mollen says “OK, I need to stop you right there” one more time, I’m hurling the remote. She’s one of those people that asks you a question and then doesn’t let you answer, because what she really wants to do is lecture you. This is why she’s annoying, and why the contestants don’t like her.

– Did anyone else catch when Samantha mentioned death threats, and they completely glossed over it? The show practically staged a nationwide intervention when Kaitlyn received death threats, but Samantha? “Yeah, whatever Samantha. Tell us more about why you’re such a big fat liar.”