The shocking season finale! Delayed by a repeat of Shark Tank! Was that just in the Bay Area or everywhere? Who would win in a fight between Chris Harrison and Mark Cuban? Come on, it’s a rhetorical question – we all know Cuban doesn’t stand a chance.

When we last left, the group was super-jazzed about 1-on-1 Date Night Extravaganza, but then Kirk had to go and ruin Paradise for everyone, and now everybody’s depressed and questioning their very existence. Tenley has even resorted to writing catch-phrases in her notebook.

‘Perceptive attentiveness’? ‘Sprightly nurturing’? Hmmm…what about ‘purple unicorns’? Is that relevant? I really do like unicorns…

I think the “What am I doing here?” quote on the left is pretty telling and not a good sign for Josh’s chance at finding everlasting love.

One-on-One Dates For All My Friends

Nick & Samantha – Nick brings up the fact that they had talked for 3 months prior to joining the show, and Samantha flashes an uncomfortable look at the camera and starts to fidget with her hair. Then she leads him to their suite and mauls him on the bed to make him shut-up. Nick says, “Spending the night together says a lot about where we stand right now.” Yup; it says “we need to get away from the cameras before you say anything else to make me look bad.” He’ll be lucky to wake up alive.

Justin & Cassandra – Cassandra turns down the Fantasy Suite and Justin worries that she’s putting the brakes on their relationship. No; she just went out with you because you were the last single guy left, and she’s not sleeping with you after one date. Also, ‘relationship’ might be too strong of a word in this situation. I wouldn’t update your Facebook status just yet.

Josh & Tenley – Josh: Blahblah love blah relationship blahblah happy blah welding. Tenley: Blah safe blahblah comfortable blah hula-girl-tattoo blah. Maul on balcony. ‘Por Favor No Molestar’ sign on hotel door.

Tanner & Jade: I love you, Jade! I Love you too, Tanner! And I wonder who gets the ring at the end of the episode.

The Final Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison greets everyone the next day.

Nice to see everyone got some last night. Except, of course, for you Justin…

Today is the last rose ceremony, and the most important rose they’ll hand out in Paradise. The aptly named Final Rose means a lifetime of commitment – marriage, children, etc. Why? Is a rose legally binding? And is it enforced by a contract that everyone had to sign, or by Chris Harrison’s shadowy connections with the criminal underworld? Tenley is particularly nervous, because she consulted her Magical Notebook of Inspirational Phrases and found out that she’s booked every single weekend between now and September, and she’s not sure when she and Josh will be able to see each other. I agree, Tenley; that does “suck balls.” On to the Final Ceremony.

Justin & Cassandra – They had to prepare speeches for this? Brutal. Will you take this rose? Sure. Will you take this rose? Sure. They met like 8 minutes ago; I have a hard time believing this is going anywhere. But they’re both single parents, so they have that in common. Who knows.

Nick & Samantha – Nick’s lucky to be alive after spending the night in the same bed as Sam. Personally, I think he should thank his lucky stars and just go home, but he offers her a rose. Samantha calls him Prince Charming and accepts, but she’s deleting his number on the flight home. This has NO chance.

Josh & Tenley – Josh is ALL IN for making this work. Tenley says, “You restored my hope in being able to find love.” Uh-oh – that’s not a good sign. Statements like that are usually followed by “I’m just not going to find it with you. But the next guy I meet says ‘thanks’!” Sure enough, she thinks the distance is too much of a hurdle, so it’s straight to the Suburban for the long ride to the airport, followed by some awkward small talk in seats 42B and 42C for the even longer flight home. Can they not film these people on the flight?

Tanner & Jade – In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Tanner says he can’t give Jade a rose (Oh NO!) because he wants to give her a ring instead (Oh YAY!). What is surprising is how sweaty he is. My god. They need to film this in 2 or 3 cuts to give the poor guy a costume change.

Neil Lane pulled through! The man has an International Action Team ready to go 24 hours a day. And Tanner’s looking a little awkward. Does he need to rest his elbow on his knee? How heavy is that ring?

And that’s it. The Producers didn’t really tweak the format from last year too much, and all the big drama happened last night, so this episode was a little predictable. Tanner and Jade walk off hand-in-hand, while the remaining couples shout congratulations from the palapa.

In the middle of the season, did ANYONE think these 4 would be the last people here? How random is that group?

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Afterthoughts

– Sean and Catherine need to turn the page and stop showing up at these things. Even after their segment is over they refuse to leave the set; they pull up stools and lurk behind the couch. They’re holding on real tight.

Fine, you can stay on set. But you can’t sit on the couch…

– Nick and Samantha are still seeing each other? I call bullshit. Amber is just saying that to help Samantha repair her image.

– Please don’t bring Jared back next year. I know, I know – he’s good-looking and the ladies love him, but he was so boring this season. I can’t watch this guy mope around and pine for Kaitlyn anymore.

– Cassandra and Jonathon. Wow, completely random. Sounds like they’re over the moon, but their kids hate each other. PLUS, Joe is watching this alone while Jonathon has his arms around Cassandra – which proves there is justice in the world.

– Making Carly watch herself sing to Kirk was kinda harsh.

– Ashley I at the airport: “Yeah! You Taylor Swift him!” I still like Ashley I.

– Wow, I thought the Juelia and Joe reunion was awkward. Kirk and Carly just set a new standard for uncomfortable. Even Jenny Mollen is stunned into silence.

– New season starts January 4th! Everyone enjoy the well-deserved break!