From tonight’s previews, this is clearly the Olivia episode. Olivia’s mean, Olivia’s fake, Olivia’s here for the wrong reasons – and then, out of nowhere, Lovely Better Half says, “I think Jennifer is going home this week.” Come again? This is the Olivia episode, dear; have you not been paying attention? Anyway, as we ended last week with “TO.BE.CONTINUED”, we are still in Mexico City, and Ben as preempted the rose ceremony for a little Q&A session with Olivia and the attitude she rode in on. As they walk to a nice secluded spot barely out of earshot but in plain view of the gossipy group, Becca starts pointing fingers:
I think Olivia has had premarital sex. And so have YOU, and YOU, and YOU…
Ben directly asks Olivia about the house drama. (At least, as directly as Ben is capable of asking; as we’ll see later, he’s starting to get more confused and desperate than the ladies.) Rather than answer directly, Olivia says she’s intimidating because she’s so confident, and she likes reading books and thinking, and “talking smart things” (like cankles and thalves, presumably), and her dream is to build a Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too. Ben thinks, “Oh, that makes sense”, and invites her back to the group.
Ben: Hi everyone. Olivia and I were just talking. I’m really confused. Umm…I like everyone. But I like you all differently…?
Olivia: [demonstrating an intellectual depth amassed from years of reading and intense thought] Come at me, bro! All of you can SUCK it!
Rose Ceremony (technically, last week’s rose ceremony)
Amanda, Olivia and Lauren H (yay) have roses
Caila – cute, but she’s 12
Lauren B – Ben’s super-extra smiley handing this one out
JOJO – cute, seems cool, possibly next Bachelorette?
Becca – I know she’s crazy popular and everyone thinks she’s hot, but I don’t get it. She does absolutely nothing for me.
Leah – has she said a single word to anyone yet? Nope, but she’s about to!
Emily – a small fist pump from Lovely Better Half. And I kinda like her, too
Which means it’s goodbye to Jennifer, small business owner from Florida. I liked her – cute, no visible baggage, seemed like a fun girl – but the fact that all I know about her is what was on her Bachelor profile means she didn’t show up. In her defense, with Lace and Olivia running hog-wild in the crazy department, it’s hard to find airtime if you’re an actual, real, normal person. But she might work as the next Bachelorette – Jen’s the type of girl you root for, and with 25 guys in the mix, she doesn’t need to carry the crazy.
But none of that matters, because we’re off to the Bahamas!
Me: They’re not even on a date yet, and they’re already on a boat.
LBH: The Boy would love this.
Me: You kidding? I would love this.
LBH: Me too. Can we sign the whole family up for the Bachelor?
Me: You know what that would mean, don’t you? A season with NO RULES!
Here’s Chris Harrison, at the shockingly early 20 minute mark:
You wanna know what’s going on, ladies? We’re not in fucking Dublin, THAT’S what’s going on. Does anyone remember me smiling this much during Kaitlyn’s season? No? Because Dublin‘s fucking cold in December. Anyway, there’s going to be a 1-on-1, a group date, and a 2-on-1. Me? I’m going deep-sea fishing with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog, and we’re gonna pull tubes until someone falls off the boat. CH out!
Caila 1-on-1 – Let’s Sea if Our Love is Reel
So they go fishing, presumably on a different boat than Harrison, Snoop and Willie, since Ben hated the ride-along on their first date. Personally, I’d rather hang with Cube and Kevin Hart than Caila any day, but whatever. Caila isn’t sure why she’s still here, Ben just wants to get to know her a little better:
That’s some deep conversation right there. Some real high level, intellectually stimulating, Olivia-type shit…
Meanwhile, Leah (who no one knew existed before this episode) is having a panic attack back at the hotel because she hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet. I guess I see her point about not getting a fair shot, but on the other hand, if you haven’t gotten to know this guy yet, why are you so busted up about it? There’s no need to make yourself crazy; just calm yourself, and enjoy the open bar. That’s what I’m going to do when LBH and I sign up the entire family for Bachelor in Paradise III – Close Your Eyes and Throw Your Keys in the Bowl. Anywho, Leah mourns the leap not taken while Ben and Caila leap into the clear, warm, Bahamian waters.
Nighttime, let’s chat!
Ben: I like you, but you smile too much. The producers say you need to tell me something sad.
Caila: This is technically our 2nd date. I don’t know you well enough to start spilling my guts.
Ben: I’m not asking for your deepest, darkest secrets.
Caila: Yeah, you kinda are.
Ben: OK, can you at least tell me if I’m the one for you?
Ben: “eh”? What does that mean?
Caila: It means I’m so self-centered and shallow, that I’m not sure I’m capable of falling in love with anyone.
Ben: Umm, this conversation isn’t going like I thought it would…
Caila: Look, dude. You know how your biggest fear is being unloved? Well, my biggest fear is breaking your heart, like I did to my last boyfriend. That guy was totally into me, and I dropped him like a hot rock because I was flipping channels one night and saw you on TV. See, I’m as fickle as the blowing breeze, and once all these lights and all these cameras disappear, I’m probably going to drop you for someone better, too. Maybe Chris Harrison. He’s hot, he’s an international player with a dangerous past. Plus he has a daytime show now. He’s much cooler than you.
Ben: Ok, but if you’re going to break my heart, at least just tell me.
Caila: I just did. What part did you not understand?
Ben: Does any part of you feel like you’re falling in love? Any part at all?
Caila: Hmmm, well, maybe a little because I feel like you understand me, and it is all about me. And I understand you, too – you didn’t take long to figure out. But, sure, I guess this is real. And I feel happiness. Look – I’m happy:
Does that look convincing to you?
Ben: [looks relieved for some unknown reason] I am SO attracted to how confusing you can be. You’re so authentic.
Caila: Whatever, dude.
And it’s a rose for Caila and a tiny glimpse as to why Ben got dumped outside that movie theater. This guy, for the life of him, cannot tell if a girl is into him or not. And he cares way too much about being liked.
Group Date – Love is Unpredictable
Unpredictable? What does that mean? Wait – how did they spell ‘love’?
The players: Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo (got it right!), Lauren H, Leah. (There’s still 2 Laurens left? How did I not realize this until now?) The game: swimming with bloodthirsty pigs. All aboard!
Nice to see Ben’s still hitting the sauce early and often. Who am I kidding – I’d pay hard money to switch places right now. So yeah, they go feed hot dogs to pigs. But Ben assures everyone they’re “chicken hot dogs”. Uh huh, right. This is the same production staff that doesn’t provide sunscreen on Bachelor in Paradise. I’m sure they went completely out of their way to fly pork-free hot dogs to the Exuma Cays, just so the pigs wouldn’t be offended. Anyways, it’s Pig-nado on the Bachelor:
Ben said to cross your arms. Coincidentally, this is the same thing I do on all my dates. All 4 of them, that I’ve had in my entire lifetime.
JoJo’s having a particularly tough time with the pigs. Hey, isn’t she the one that was assaulted by Maegan’s mini-horse on night one?
Do farm animals just not like JoJo? Good thing she wasn’t on Farmer Chris’s season. Unlike Lauren H…
…who is going to steal a pig to put on her shelf next to the puppet she stole in Vegas. She’s like a serial killer, collecting trophies. Have I mentioned yet that she’s my favorite? OK, I’ll shut up.
Eventually, the bloodlust subsides and the women have an opportunity to mope about being on a group date. Ben, astute as ever, doesn’t understand why chicks don’t dig 6 on 1 odds. “There’s like 6 girls and a bunch of wild pigs. This is awesome!” Leah is especially pissed at not getting a 1-on-1 and cries and complains to Ben:
Thanks for sharing. Here’s on last hug before you go home…
Nighttime – Ben mauls everybody. They’re taking tickets at this point. Leah, who knows her time is short, throws a Hail Mary and sells out Lauren B as the ‘bitchy, two-faced girl’, which is insane to me, because Lauren B is clearly NOT that girl, and Olivia is such an easier target for this kind of thing. But whatever, it seems to work, because Ben says that once these thoughts get into his head, they’re hard to get out. No shit. This guy gets so tangled up inside his own head, he couldn’t cut his way free with a blowtorch and a chainsaw. I want to meet the girl that dumped him in high school, because I think she did some real damage. Anyway, Lauren B is crying because someone talked smack, and it starts raining, because when Lauren B cries, nature cries with her. It’s all so frustrating:
You want frustrating? It’s week 6, and I haven’t had a date that didn’t involve swimming with pigs or running around a soccer field with 12 other women. Where’s MY helicopter, Lauren?!
Group Date Rose (TM) goes to Amanda, because Ben is confused as hell, and everyone likes Amanda, so it’s the safe choice. Later, Leah goes hunting for Ben to bash Lauren B some more (because, why not at this point), but the pass falls dead in the endzone, and Ben tells Leah to pack her things.
It’s so confusing. He has no idea who I am. And how am I going to get all this crap in my bag?
It’s not confusing, Leah. Ben knows exactly who you are, and it’s not Lauren B.
2-on-1 Date – Let’s See What the Bahamas Have in Store For Us
Emily and Olivia. Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes. That’s great copy, right there. Olivia is crazy confident, which as history shows us, is the kiss of death. By the way, calling Emily too young was pretty rich, considering they’re the exact same age. As for Emily, she hates Olivia so much, she has to call her sister (international rates apply) to tell her all about it:
Emily: Haley! I’m in the Bahamas, and I have to go on a date with Olivia and Ben! I’m so mad right now!
Haley: Yeah, I get that. I’m in a laundromat in South Vegas and my sister is calling me to bitch about her trip to the Bahamas, so I totally know how you feel.
Emily: I just hate Olivia so much, and I really don’t want to go home today!
Haley: Don’t go home yet, Emily. You need to bring Ben back for hometown dates, because I have stern words for that boy…
The girls hop in the van to meet Ben…
That looks friendly…
…and we haven’t seen two people hate each other that much since, well, last season with Crazypants Nick and Shawn Gosling. So, it’s pretty much the most awkward date ever, and Ben is not the type of guy to smooth things over, so he splits the girls up for some conversation. Olivia likes news, politics, and religion, and intellectual things “are just her jam”. People who say crap like that need to “jam” something, and I’m happy to tell them what and where. As for Emily, she can’t find her face:
And when Ben brushes her hair away, it’s the perfect first kiss moment, but they blow it and let it slide. Regardless, Ben pulls Olivia aside and decides to give her more space for her intellectual pursuits. “You spoke from the heart, you opened yourself up, but I just can’t reciprocate those feelings.”
Ben, that is so sweet! I love the little games we play. I love our own private way of communication. I love our LOVE! When do I get the ring? And what about our honeymoon? I’ve always wanted to go to Paris…
While she waits for her answer, a confused Olivia watches Emily and Ben make out, and then they just leave her on an island in the Atlantic, with hurricane season fast approaching…
…which is pretty messed up, until I remember that The Producers left Ashley I’lashes in the middle of the desert during Farmer Chris’s season, and Kaitlyn left the Dainty Little Dentist contemplating suicide on a cliff in Ireland. They do this all the time. There’s Bachelor contestants scattered all across the globe, all trying to find their way home. Seems like there should be a spin-off show about this. Anyway, Ben and Emily are on the boat, and Olivia prepares for her upcoming role in Cast Away II – Revenge of Wilson.
Psych. Ben’s had way too much rum this week, so he’s just gonna stand on a cliff, looking pensive and shit.
I still can’t get it out of my head. Why did she dump me? Should I have bought one large popcorn, instead of 2 small ones? Maybe she thought I didn’t like to share. I was just trying to give her space, let her be her own person, eat her own popcorn. Man! I BLEW it!
Line Up, Ladies
Caila, Amanda and Emily are already rosy
Becca – My god, why? Am I the only one who thinks she’s the most boring person in the world? Seriously, tell me three interesting facts about Becca that don’t include the word “virgin”.
JoJo – Dude. I was only kidding with the “too many Laurens” thing. Don’t send H home.
Lauren B – Dammit.
And my personal favorite goes home. She seemed like a lock for hometown dates, but it’s all about chemistry, and if it ain’t there, it ain’t there. Lauren H should definitely be in the running for next Bachelorette, though. And if that doesn’t happen, you don’t worry about a thing, sister. Good-looking, fun, goofy sense of humor – no dust is gonna settle on you. There will be plenty of guys knocking your door. And more interesting guys than Ben, if I’m honest.
That’s it, folks. We get some previews, and holy crap, Ben looks like he’s coming apart like a bad suit. I don’t know if that boy was built for this. Until next time…
And now, in her continuing battle with local wildlife, joJO gets chased around the room by a butterfly. Animals do NOT like her…