We all know where this is going, right? It’s always been Jordan, and when Luke was sent home 2 weeks ago, that was pretty much the end of any potential upset. And yet, we’ll collectively stare at our televisions, entranced, for the next two hours, waiting for Jordan to pop the time-honored question. Maybe, much like running the last few miles of a marathon, we have an inherent need to finish what we’ve started. Maybe the hidden healer in all of us hopes that Brother Aaron will show up at the 11th hour with a conciliatory embrace and some fraternal words of advice – or at least to compare his Superbowl ring to whatever trinket Neil Lane is pawning off. Maybe we’re secretly hoping Mama JoJo goes off the deep end, and we catch one more glimpse of her drinking wine from the bottle. Maybe some of us just love seeing love (nah, that’s not it…). Whatever the reason, we have 3 more hours of semi-scripted, pressure-cooked romance before the full-frontal insanity of ‘Bachelor in Paradise III – STD Apocalypse’ starts tomorrow. Lock in.
Every year, it seems like the guy that gets the boat date ends up winning. Any hints in the previews tonight?
That’s not much of a boat….
More like a raft date, maybe. And if this episode is so emotional, why am I giggling during JoJo’s panic attack? (LBH: “Because you’re an ass.” Oh yeah, that’s why.) Back to Chris Harrison, who welcomes us to beautiful Los Angeles (Burbank), in a sound studio filled with jewel tones and business attire. The audience clearly read the memo.
Our Producers have worked long and hard to make you think Robby had a chance, so everyone at home: please act surprised at the end…
We catch up with JoJo, who is wandering aimlessly throughout Thailand, thinking aloud about her TV love life. “Jordan? Or Robby? There’s Jordan…but, there’s also Robby. Then again, Jordan. But Robby too! I’m so confused! I need advice from someone who can help me think clearly!”
Hi Mom! It’s noon and you’re still using a glass. I’ll take that as a sign you’re still lucid…
Meet the Parents
First up is Jordan, who has 3 goals for today’s brunch: 1) Pass out funny hats, 2) Ask JoJo’s dad for her hand in marriage, and 3) ASK JOJO’S DAD FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE. To his credit, the passing-of-the-hats goes off without a hitch. Yeah, he’s a little goofy and he’s trying too hard, but I’d be nervous too after watching the Brothers JoJo bring the hammer down on Ben last season, so I’m willing to cut him some slack. Mom, on the other hand, is not. She’s very worried that Jordan gets a lot of attention from women and he’s “too likable”, which I don’t get. When you date an attractive, likable person, other people will find them attractive and likable, too. That kinda comes with the package, and in the grand scheme of a relationship, not a terribly difficult thing to deal with. What’s JoJo supposed to do? Marry some troll with zero personality who no woman would give a second glance to? That sounds fun.
So, Jordan successfully crosses off the first goal for the day. When he sits down with Pops, however, he spends so much time thinking about Robby, that he completely forgets Goals 2 and 3. He clearly has trouble going through his progressions, and the regrets come quickly when brunch ends.
I TOTALLY forgot to ask her dad for his blessing! Damn that Robby! Always in my head…
As for JoJo, she’s super excited to ask Dad about his amazing conversation with Jordan. “Daddy! Tell me everything he said!”
First off, Mom describes Robby as “gentle and soft” like it’s a good thing. Then, Robby tells the well-rehearsed story of when he first told JoJo “I love you”, and Pops doesn’t look like he’s buying it.
Yeah, honey; he’s gentle and soft, alright…
The brothers love Robby, because he’s probably the least threatening guy JoJo has ever brought home. JoJo asks if they have any concerns:
You mean other than the fact that he seems a little ‘gentle’ and ‘soft’? No, he seems great. That’s our favorite part about him…
And then Robby sits down with both Mom and Dad to ask for their blessing, and it’s actually a pretty phenomenal speech. Lovely Better Half almost cried. If Chase had made that speech, she would’ve cried. Robby kills it, and The Producers are working overtime to make it look like he has a chance, but no one’s fooled this year.
It’s time for the post-game analysis, and everyone except JoJo prefers Robby over Jordan. It’s not even close. Except for the sister, who hasn’t said a word, and we have NO idea where she stands.
Just here for the free trip to Thailand, I could care less! Pick the hottest one, and let me go back to the beach, please…
JoJo has the first of many melt-downs, and Little Brother says “One thing’s for damn sure – you’re torn!” Eh, not really; she’s just completely freaked out that her family is going to hate yet another one of her boyfriends.
LBH: I can see how this can happen. You like both guys, but one more than the other, and your parents like the other guy, so it gets confusing.
Me: Like, if your parents really liked me, but you wanted to marry Chase instead.
LBH: Exactly! I’d be like ‘What’s wrong with Chase? He’s a great guy!’ But, my parents would really like Chase, too.
Me: Oh, well things would work out perfectly, then…
Robby’s Final Date
Robby strolls up and asks “Are we going on a boat?” Nope! You’re having a beach day! And then they hike down to the sand while Robby tries to hide his disappointment. They frolic in the water, and it’s funny to me that The Producers make JoJo wear such a grandma bikini bottom when her boobs have been literally all over the place, all season long. And I think they get bigger every episode. It’s amazing. Anyways, after frolicking, JoJo and Robby relax with a nice, quiet dry-hump on the beach.
Don’t stand up too quickly, Robby…
It’s nighttime, and Robby is awfully attached to the hotel slippers.
Just to be clear, they’re staying at a 5 star resort, and the 365 day low in Thailand is 78 degrees. Why the slippers? JoJo and Robby discuss things.
Robby: Honesty. Love. Love. Honesty. Slippers. Love. Honesty, Honesty.
JoJo: We are so totally on the same page.
Lovely Better Half: I’ll always be honest with you. Except for little white lies.
Me: OK. I’ll only lie about the really big things.
And then, to close out the night, Robby gives JoJo a stack of pictures as a gift. I mean, come on – the interns aren’t even trying at this point.
I’m not making this guy a scrapbook, everyone knows she’s picking Jordan. Here – just print out a bunch of pictures. If he wants to do something with them, he can…
Jordan‘s Final Date
A vanilla beach play date for Jordan? Nope! He’s getting on a boat!
That’s not a boat; that’s an Andaman Sea pirate ship. I think Chris Harrison used to smuggle opium on that boat…
Lovely Better Half thinks Jordan has weird legs and, as she puts it, “needs two buckets to wash his feet.” I think that’s a little fucked up, but funny enough to put in here. His legs might be a little short for his torso, but his main problem is he wears his pants way too tight. Anybody’s gonna walk funny wearing those pants. Though, looking at that picture, he’s 6’2 and she’s 5’4″, and their legs are about the same height, but girls generally have longer legs than guys…why do I feel like I’ve gone way off topic again?
JoJo and Jordan paddle to a cave and argue about why Jordan didn’t ask her dad for his blessing. They dance around the issue and then Jordan finally says, in pretty clear terms, “Look, there’s still another guy here. I’m not comfortable asking for your hand in marriage if I don’t know I’m the one you want to marry.” Pretty reasonable, actually. Unfortunately for Jordan, it doesn’t get through to JoJo, because she’s too wrapped up in her own personally tailored fairy tale to hear anything anyone else says at this point. She just knows she’s mad.
It’s nighttime, and JoJo is still confused and still hammering Jordan about the conversation with her dad. And I’m starting to see the potential cracks in this relationship. Jordan keeps explaining, and JoJo keeps ignoring, and at one point he gives her the “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” look.
Our conversation today made me realize that she will never listen to a fucking thing I say…
JoJo is a little neurotic and needs a lot of reassurance. There’s nothing wrong with that, but Jordan is not the kind of guy that gives constant reassurance. Robby is that guy, but JoJo doesn’t like him, and therein lies her quandary.
Let’s get some Robby Glamour Shots, shall we?
His hair seriously stays like that in the shower?
The boys meet with Neil Lane, who always has a box o’ bling on hand for these occasions. Jordan gets a little weird, and starts staring at his ring like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
And then Robby sits down to put his thoughts into words…
Dear Joelle – I like you more than speedos. I like you more than the 200 meter freestyle. I like you
more than hair prod almost as much as hair products…
…while Jordan updates his Facebook status.
Kidding. He calls JoJo’s parents and finally asks for their blessing. Meanwhile, JoJo reads Jordan’s note and freaks out. Then she reads Robby’s note and freaks-the-fuck-out.
Oh my god! I can’t SEND THIS GUY HOME!!
And I giggle some more. I know I’m a dick, but JoJo is freaking out so much, it’s starting to be funny.
The Big Finale
This is going to be painful…
Amen, brother. First one out of the limo (or in this case, the Highlander) goes home, and – despite the attempted head fake by playing musical chairs with everyone’s socks – it is in fact Robby.
Just make a right at the bottom of the hill, and then follow the path straight to heartbreak…
Robby: This is crazy. Forever love. Heart yearns. Weak knees. Love in fairy tales. Keep you safe. Love you until you-
JoJo: I wanted it to be you, but I woke up this morning and realized what everyone else in America has known since Week 3: I’m picking Jordan.
Give Robby credit, he holds it together like a man. Of course, maybe it’s because he wasn’t really that into her, who knows. JoJo freaks out for the 11th time tonight:
JoJo: He’s such an amazing guy [sniff], and I never wanted to break his heart! I feel terrible sending him [sniff] home, but he deserves the forever love that he talked about in his sweet wonderful proposal, and I just couldn’t –
Director: CUT! The wind blew that pot over, can someone put it back, please? Thank you! Alright, JoJo, one more time from the top…
Alright Jordan, punch it in the endzone and let’s go home.
Hey, Jordan. Is that a ring in your pocket, or are you just excited to see me?
And one nice picture, just because it’s the Finale:
The Final Rose goes to Jordan and there is much love on the island of Phuket. I hate to throw shade at a newly engaged couple, but I’m not getting the fuzzy feeling I got with Ben and Lauren last year. I can’t put my finger on it, but if that argument tonight was any indication of how these two communicate, there’s a rocky road ahead. Hope I’m dead wrong, godspeed to all.
That wraps up Season 12, and there were some entertaining moments this year, though I’m a little worried that Chad will have jumped the shark well before his stint in Paradise is over. Luckily for us, Crazeballs in Paradise starts tonight! Tears, rage, protein, violence and multiple marriage proposals. Get your seatbelts on, folks; it’s gonna be a wild ride. But first:
After the Final Rose
Holy Robby Superfan #1
That would scare the shit out of me…
Robby is 90% confused, 30% frustrated, 2% angry, and 100% disappointed.
Everybody still respects the hell out of everybody else. Except for Chris Harrison. He lost respect for these people a long time ago.
Robby: “Was there anything that made it clear that your love for him was stronger?” JoJo: “Yeah. I felt it in my pants.”
“Do you ever still picture what our future would be like together?” Alright, Robby, your pride is dwindling. Turn the page.
Seriously, Jordan is always in the mirror. He’s like Zoolander.
Good luck sharing a bathroom with this guy, JoJo…
Chad talks about making some mistakes on the show, and for a second I think he’s going to have an epiphany of self-awareness and apologize. But no, he just wants to nominate himself for Bachelor. The surprising thing is how legitimately split the room is. There is a significant and vocal Chad contingent.
The Aaron Rodgers conversation was awkward. You know Aaron just hates this shit.
JoJo and Jordan get advice from Ben and Lauren, who are there to promote their new show on the Freeform Network.
Man, Ben looks REALLY good tonight. I wonder if they’re still getting along…
But wait! A parting gift for our new couple! An all expenses paid trip to….Nemacolin Resort in Pennsylvania! So, I guess Thailand was all booked up. The entire country.
I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Feeling so many emotions. Jordan is a great guy. I just want her to be happy. He deserves someone great. I was feeling so many emotions. We’re excited to just be normal again.
Chad cozying up to Chris Harrison during the credits:
Chad: Hey, Chris. Remember that job offer you mentioned in the middle of the season?
Chris: Yeah, I was just kidding about that. Craft services is in the back, buddy; why you don’t you grab some food before you go.
That’s it. It was fun season, thanks for coming along. See everyone tonight….