I don’t even know where to start with last night’s episode. Oh wait, yeah I do:

These guys are fired up…

If I recapped every funny moment, I’d basically just be giving you a complete transcript of the show, with all of Jared’s parts redacted, of course. He’s still a wet blanket, with no entertainment value whatsoever. But, once you get past Mr. Mopey-Pants – holy shit, did The Producers do a casting job. One big tan and attractive collection of emotionally damaged kindling, just waiting for a barrel-full of alcohol and a match. I honestly don’t think I can do it justice, but I’ll give it the old college try.

The calm before the storm…

Lots of previews, lots of material, but Ashley I-lashes saying she feels more chemistry with Wells than she ever felt with Jared makes my hair stand on end. Ashley basically stalked Jared for over 2 years. If I was Wells, I’d be worried. Like hire-attorneys-and-change-my-identity worried. But that’s later; for now, let’s meet our guests…

Welcome to Paradise

1. Amanda – Still cute, still single, still a cardboard cutout of a cute, single southern California blonde.
2. Nick Viall – who shows up 2nd, ironically. He’s really interested in meeting Jubilee – it’s nice to see he hasn’t lost his penchant for online stalkery. Visibly excited, Nick babble-mumbles to Chris Harrison, who couldn’t care less.

Harrison is either falling asleep, or he’s on his 5th Jorge Special…

Amanda thinks Nick is oh-so-fine. He’s a 10, he’s smooth and cool, maybe a little bit of a heartbreaker. I don’t get it. All I see is a mumbling, nervous, semi-creepy guy who looks like he drives a windowless van and dances in front of the mirror, naked and junk-tucked. There must be something about Nick in person that is undeniable, because women love him when they meet him. Or maybe Nick and Amanda are the only two there, and she’s really desperate for a date. Who knows.

3. Jubilee – who’s trying to get rid of her resting bitch face. Gotta have goals.
4. Evan – “Look! It’s the penis guy!” Evan is really looking forward to being in Paradise without Chad. Dreams are free, Evan…
5. Vinny – ‘cos everyone needs their daily fade, and The Producers aren’t ponying up for a hairstylist. “I’m in Puerto Vallarty and I’m ready to party!” Not sure that Vinny stirs up any drama, but he’s a cool guy, and I’m rooting for him.
6. Cruise Ship Carly – Holy fucking shit. This girl got crushed last season. Cruise ship jobs must really suck if she’s willing to do this again.
7. Grant – “Hey guys, nice seeing you again, but…where are the girls?”
8. Daniel – “Hey guys, nice seeing you again, but…where are the good-looking girls? Sheesh.” I had a sneaking suspicion we only saw the tip of the iceberg with Daniel last season, and that he was coming to play in Paradise. Boy, does he not disappoint. Amanda is a “2 drink girl” and the rest are “washed up street dogs.” Wow. He is shallow and rude and weird but still kinda funny in all the right/wrong ways. His bromance with Chad is starting to make more sense now. Oh yeah: “I don’t go away. I’m like herpes. Though, you can treat that now, right?” Gold.
9. Sarah – She was on BinP1, but skipped last season. Made it to the final episode with some guy named Robert, and he wouldn’t have sex with her. Whatever, she’s back, and as she puts it, she’s “going to keep coming until it happens.” There are other ways to date people, you know…
10. Haley & Emily – thank god the twins are here. LOVE the twins, and I’m not the only one:

Daniel: Oh damn, here we go. I mean, I have high standards, so they’re probably each only a 5 in my book, but put ’em together and that makes a 10…

Guys are so easy. Beer, girls, cars, doesn’t matter – give them two of anything, and their eyes light up like 4th of July. Haley (the ditzy one) frolics in the water with Daniel while Emily (the one LBH and I like) makes fun of them.

11. Izzy – no one knows who she is, because she got sent home on the first night on Ben’s season. But she’s cute, and she’s ready to party, so she’ll have no trouble fitting in. She thinks Daniel is hot, but it only takes 2 minutes of talking to him before she’s scratching and clawing her way back to the group.
12. Lace – Lace used to drink too much and act a little crazy (holding my hands apart as far as I can right now), but she’s been working on herself since Ben’s season, and has made a lot of positive changes.

Just like to point out those wine bottles are empty. So what are these big changes exactly? You’ve started recycling?

Lace looks good, I have to admit, but you better strap in tight, because she is a rodeo-ride of emotion. As Grant puts it, “She’s hot, but I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with her.” Doesn’t bode well for the first Rose Ceremony, does it?

13. Jared – who already looks depressed to be here, and he just stepped off the plane 20 minutes ago.

Chris Harrison: So, Jared! Are you excited at another shot at finding love?

Jared: yeah, sure, I guess, whatever…

Chris Harrison: Jesus, Jared, have a drink. You’re bringing me down.

14. Chad – and Evan starts to cry. Chad is really interested in getting to know Lace, ‘cos you know, Crazy has a habit of finding Crazy. A surprising number of girls think Chad is hot, hot, hot. Izzy, Lace, even Sarah thinks there’s potential: “He seems like the type of guy that you need to chip away at, and if you get deep enough, there’s a decent guy in there. You just need to be willing to put some work into him.”

Carly: So, he’s great once you clean all the shit off of him? Are you nuts? Do you think, just maybe, we’re still single because we keep dating guys we have to talk ourselves into?

But the happiest reunion of all is the one between bros, and I don’t think Daniel could get any happier when Chad shows up. They hug, run down to the water, compare body fat, Chad playfully tweaks Daniels nipples – it’s touching, really, and I shed a tiny, wistful tear at their brotherly affection.

But enough of your nostalgic shenanigans, boys. To the Palapa of Roses, where Chris Harrison will spell out the rules of Paradise. 1) The guys hand out roses this week. 2) The twins are a package deal. 3) Find a bed. 4) Start drinking. Downstairs, Jorge is gearing up for a long day:

Blend, Jorge! Blend like the wind!

1st Date – Jubilee & Jared

What would their celebrity name be? Jarbilee? Jubilared? I digress…”Jubilee – Choose who you want to hit it off with.” She thinks for about a 10th of a second and blurts out “Jared!” because he’s SO HOT and she just can’t stand it. You want to go on a date, Jared? “Sure, I guess….whatever.” They sit amongst a sea of piñatas and bond over Lord of the Rings.

Jubilee: I really like Samwise and Frodo.

Jared: Aragon is really cool, too, I guess. Whatever…

And that’s it. Oh, a clown hands them a couple bats and they beat the piñatas, but this date is so boring, there is literally no other footage The Producers could use, and we never see Jubilared again. Exciting stuff. The only thing I learned on this date is that a clown mimicking sex is fucking creepy.

The Main Event

While Jubilee is off wondering why she didn’t invite someone with a pulse on her date, the rest of the house is getting LIT. First off, Izzy and Vinny (Inny? Vizzy?) seem to be hitting it off, at least if this picture is any indication:

Izzy: I LOVE getting haircuts…

Vinny: Who’s season were you on, again?

And good for them. They’re fun and hot, they’ll be a good couple. Next, Grant tries to talk to Lace, but it devolves into drinking and arguing within the first 15 minutes. Then Lace remembers that she’s making changes in her life and decides that Grant isn’t argumentative enough, so she moves on to Chad. Which doesn’t seem like the healthiest move to me, but it works for them.

And then they embark on an epic night of kissing and fighting and yelling and laughing and mauling and pinching and slapping and fighting and kissing and humping and shaking and grabbing and falling and flirting and screaming and name-calling and making out and fighting and grinding. And then, out of the blue, Lace orders her very first water of the day, has a brief moment of clarity, and realizes Chad has been verbally abusing her for the past couple hours. And now that familiar feeling of shame is creeping back into Lace’s mind, and she decides to cut things off for the night. Shockingly, Chad is too drunk and geeked-up to take ‘no’ for an answer.

Your body language is not helping your long term prospects, Chad. And your actual language isn’t helping much, either…

And just like that, Lace and Chad (Chace? Lad?) are no longer an item. The light that burns brightest burns briefest, and oh they shone so bright. So, everyone kind of sits around and watches while Chad borderline assaults Lace, though Haley does sum up the situation poignantly:

She has, like, the longest legs ever….

Thank you for that, Haley. So insightful. At least now I know why I always liked Emily better. Eventually – because no one else is doing anything to help – Sarah tells Chad he’s being a dick, and he makes an incredibly rude comment about her having one arm, and that’s the final straw. Daniel stages an intervention, but Chad is way to drunk to reason with. And Daniel’s Canadian; he reasons with drunks all the time.

Chad: Why arrre yoooo being unn-unnn-un-murdery..?

Daniel: Listen to yourself. You’re like a drunk poet that fucked a pirate.

Chad: Yooo make mee want to kill yoooo…

Daniel: I’ll take you down. Take you down to Chinatown.

I mean…just an awesome exchange. Chad is an ex-Marine on steroids with a rage problem, and Daniel isn’t the least bit scared of him. “I don’t want to punch him out, but I will. I’m Canadian, I punch out my drunk friends all the time.” I just love this guy. While Daniel is creating separation from the group, Nick throws in his two cents (in the safety of the interview room, far away from Chad):

There’s only two people I have no respect for. Chad is one of them.

Who’s the other one, Nick? Is it Shawn Gosling, for taking Kaitlyn away from you? Is it Andi “The Dorf” Dorfman, for “making love to you” when she wasn’t in love you? Is it yourself for holding on to this franchise with a white-knuckle grip? I need to know who this other person is. Anyways, Chad passes out and craps himself and the interns put a crab on his face.

Stinky Chad…

The Next Day

So, Chad must be feeling pretty guilty this morning, right? Umm, not so much. He starts his interview off by calling Sarah “Army McArmenson”, and he’s sober now, so he can’t even blame the alcohol. He’s just a dick. He throws on is befouled swim trunks from the night before and rejoins the group.

Nothing a little Lysol can’t get out…

Chris Harrison pulls everyone into the Palapa of Judgment, and lists Chad’s litany of offenses before the group, including telling the entire staff to “suck a dick.”

I give you a lot of leeway on this show, but Jorge’s my boy. If you tell Jorge to suck a dick, you’re telling ME to suck a dick. And Chad – NO ONE tells me to suck a dick. You’re gone.

And that’s all she wrote for The Chad. Chad used his bed once, so it’s still not the shortest stay in Paradise. That honor goes to Chris Bukowski, who flew in, got obliterated, and left the same day. At first, Chad looks confused. He actually asks Lace if she was mad that he was talking to other girls, which shows a shocking lack awareness. When it finally dawns on him that he is going home, he completely loses his shit. He breaks his sunglasses, yells at the crabs, and tells Chris Harrison “I got nothing at home. This is my life. This is my life.” It’s here, I start to worry about Chad becoming a statistic. I don’t think anyone would be surprised if he doesn’t have his life together as much as he says he does, but he seems to banking on this reality thing in an unhealthy and all-in kind of way. He doesn’t seem stable enough to handle it if things come apart. But then, whatever sliver of sympathy that arises from this melt-down disappears when Chad says “Fuck you, Chris Harrison! Come at me!”

You know, Chad…I politely asked you to leave. But now? You CAN’T leave. Jorge, lock the gates and turn off the cameras…

TO. BE. CONTINUED.

Next week, because he can’t leave just once, Chad returns to wreak his vengeance, which apparently leads to Evan getting the worst IV in history – my god, my 2 year old can find a vein cleaner than that.  Plus, the return of Josh Motherfuckin’ Murray! Of course! THAT’S the second person that Nick has no respect for, and they’re bringing him back and setting him loose on Nick’s girl like a dog in heat! I swear to god, The Producers are trying to break Nick. Also:

Come on, really? I don’t know if I can handle this…

See ya next week, my friends!