Every television series with a multi-year run has that one great season. The characters are fully realized and unique, the actors have found their voice and they play off each with telepathic ease. The writers hit their inspirational peak, creating story lines that perfectly capture the essence of the show. The concept has been developed but it’s still fresh, and all involved hit their stride at the same time to create what will be a particular show’s most memorable season. Season 5 of Seinfeld, season 3 of The Wire, I thought Modern Family had their perfect season 2 years ago. Everything that came before was preparation, and everything after was trying to recapture the magic.

I think we might be witnessing The Bachelor Franchise’s perfect season. Obviously it’s only episode 2, there’s still a long way to go, but so far the casting is perfect, the editing is perfect, the Producer’s mind games are perfect, the alcohol consumption is perfect, and Jorge is perfect. I honestly don’t know how BinP can get any more entertaining without going too deep down the rabbit hole of ridiculousness. Put that brush down, da Vinci; the Mona Lisa’s done.

But enough of the deep thoughts, we have a train wreck to review. Let’s start with the Absurd Opening Credits Item of the Week:

Just. Wow.

Everyone is celebrating the departure of Chad, while Chad ‘roid rages around the parking lot and threatening to walk all the way to Tijuana. Eventually the staff lures him into the back of a Suburban with red meat and whiskey, and he vents about none of the girls standing up for him (don’t they know they’re supposed to like guys that verbally abuse them? Bitches!), how he’ll never be Bachelor now (because that was still a remote possibility), and that he’s “vibing on his meat-taste.” Mmm-kay.

You know how many people I have to murder now?

Not everyone is thrilled about Chad leaving, though. Daniel thought he was a super-funny guy, and Carly – ever the practical one – realizes that a potential rose is currently wandering along the Mexican coast with a turkey leg and a bottle Johnnie Walker.

Look, I’m not saying Chad‘s my ideal choice. But if I needed the rose, I might let him kiss me. To stick around another week? I’d  kiss anyone once. How bad can one kiss be?

Hold that thought, Carly – you’re about to find out. But for the time being, be prepared to get a lot less happy, because the odds just got worse.

Everyone Say ‘Hi’ to Leah! (Hi Leah! Hi Leah’s Lips!)

Hi! You don’t remember me? I’m the one from Ben’s season that got sent home for talking shit about Lauren B. Still not ringing any bells? That’s probably because I bought the Lindsey Lohan Package from my surgeon, and I look a little different now. Here’s a picture from Ben’s season. Still nothing?

I don’t remember Leah being this ditzy or delusional, but then again, I don’t remember her doing much at all. She was pretty much a no show on The Bachelor. But she came to Paradise to make a splash, and she knows exactly who she wants to make it with! Has anyone seen Chad?

What do you mean, he got sent home? After ONE NIGHT? I got all this collagen for nothing?

That was awkward.  But, as the card says, “It’s finally time for your 1-on-1, Leah. Choose wisely.” And after much deliberation, she chooses Nick, who every girl in the house is inexplicably fawning over.

For real? These girls are falling all over each other for NICK? I wonder if there’s anything – or ANYONE – that can wake these ladies up? Hmmm….

Nick accepts Leah’s invitation, and they’re off on their 1-on-1 adventure to the Festival of Margaritas. Nick drinks and mumbles and Leah Thinks he is SOOO hot.

Really. Is it just me?

He shrugs his shoulders and looks at his shoes and lisps and fidgets and mumbles some more, and Leah falls head over heels and makes out with Nick as the sun dips below the horizon.

I didn’t understand anything this guy said for the last 2 hours, but I just want to kiss his fuzzy face while running my fingers through his brillo pad hair. 

And Now, Let’s Watch the Twins Eat Bananas, Plus Other Happenings

The real question is who makes it look sexier? The Twins or Evan? It’s close; Evan was really working that thing…

Lace is depressed that Grant is ignoring her after she spent last night drinking her face off and dry-humping Chad in the hot tub. Go figure. She’s scared to bring it up to Grant, though, so she asks Vinny to pass him a note during homeroom, to which Vinny says, “Grow the fuck up and talk to him yourself. What are you, 12?” Eventually, Grant talks to Lace and lets her know that there are no hard feelings, and Lace says ‘thank you’ by having sex with him, cleverly re-enacted with footage of horny crabs and Lace’s moans dubbed over the audio. The only positive change Lace has made in her life is that she no longer says “I’m not crazy.” She’s just fully embraces her lunacy now.

Amanda Facetimes with her kids:

I’m coming home really soon. But actually not that soon, because I have to meet your new father first.

(That came out a little harsh. For the record, I’m not one of those people who thinks you’re a bad parent if you go on this show. Everyone leaves the kids with the grandparents once in a while and takes an adult vacation. This is just like that, only it’s televised, and Amanda has never acted in any way to embarrass herself or her family. So, I’m not talking shit, I just thought it was a funny joke.)

Evan is stalking Carly around the palapa, mentally sizing her up for the cage he built in his soundproof basement back at home. Carly’s doing her best to give him a chance, but Evan’s not good at taking charge of the situation, and she really wants to see his manly-side. Like, any sign of masculinity at all. I think scratching his nuts would suffice at this point. Finally, Carly gets sick of waiting, and plants one on Evan. So, how was it?

That good, huh?

While Evan prances away to write in his diary, Carly throws up and declares that the worse kiss of her entire life, and she doesn’t understand how Evan has children. But hey, he sure knows how to eat a banana…

Nick’s Best Day Ever, Part II

First off:

Nick’s not even a software sales rep anymore. He’s a “Runner-Up”. What do you do for a living? I come in second. Awesome. Nicks’ not back from his date with Leah for longer than 5 minutes when he gets handed another date card. Nick is incredulous; he just can’t believe how well his day is going, as if he is finally getting some sort of restitution after two seasons of Bachelorette Failure. Of course, if I didn’t know any better, I might think The Producers were building up a false sense of hope before delivering the final crushing blow that breaks Nick’s spirit forever. Nah – they wouldn’t do something like that. Anyway, Leah had such an amazing time on her date with Nick, and she is super-excited for Round 2 to begin.

Amanda? Would you…liketogoonadatwithhmmemmmummmmbleellel?

Sorry, Leah. But don’t worry; things have a funny way of coming back around in Paradise. Nick and Amanda go to a restaurant, where they have a very adult and mature conversation, and it’s all very interesting and grown up. Then they have a bonfire, where Nick mumbles and lisps and talks under his breath and looks sheepish and smiles embarrassingly and fidgets and plays with his fingernails, and Amanda just can’t restrain herself and they maul each other by the fire.

O! M! G! Every single unintelligible word that comes out of his mouth makes me so hot!

Leah breaks into tears while Nick looks eagerly towards a bright future where his personal love story can finally take center stage.

Rose Night

Jubilee and Emily are fighting over Jared. Sarah and Izzy are fighting over Vinny, so Vinny makes out with them both, and it looks like Izzy wins. Leah is still fighting for Nick; Nick tells her he’s going in a different direction, but thanks for the kind words.

Alright – time to get lit up and throw myself at the nearest available guy.

Leah: I have a lot of layers.

Daniel: Like an onion?

Leah: Yeah, exactly! Just like an onion!

Daniel: Are you going to make me cry?

Leah: Well, no…

Daniel: So, not like an onion, then.

Leah: No, I have layers, but maybe I’ll be the one that cries because I’m the onion.

Daniel: So, you’re an orange. One layer.

Just so you know, this is one of those few times I did not take creative license. That’s Leah and Daniel’s actual conversation. Amazing. Daniel is a hot commodity tonight, and he’s loving every minute of it. Daniel is an eagle, and eagles don’t fly with pigeons, but if he was going to “just bang” someone tonight, it would be one of The Twins. Doesn’t care which, either one will do. On to the ceremony.

Grant picks Lace – and he kinda has to, considering he got laid and all

Nick picks Amanda – he’s finally met the girl of his dreams

Evan picks Carly – she looks at the rose like it’s a dead rat and gives Evan a hug while suppressing her gag reflex

Jared picks Emily – “do you, like, want this rose or whatever?”

Vinny picks Izzy

Daniel picks Sarah – he reveals his true colors. Despite the talk, Daniel’s a decent guy and he gave Sarah a chance to stick around.

Which means goodbye to Jubilee and Leah. Jubilee, for the life of her, can’t understand why guys like twins, which shows a pretty glaring blind spot into male psyche. Leah completely falls apart because she got all that facial work done for nothing. But if she hustles, she can still try to catch up with Chad on his way back to Tijuana.

It’s a Brand New Day!

The usual couples are paired off, Daniel’s doing Daniel stuff, and Jared is moping in the corner while the Twins talk amongst themselves.

Can I go back to my room now?

After the most incredible day in his storied history on this franchise, Nick is super-excited about Amanda, and has never felt this confident about a potential relationship before.

Hi, I’m Josh, I was on Andi’s season, and she ruined my chances of being The Bachelor when she shocked everyone – me included – by choosing me over Nick. What was that? NICK’S HERE?! [laughs hysterically] Oh my god! This is gonna be great! Which girl is he dating?

And Josh Motherfuckin’ Murray strolls into the Palapa, fully armed with a kilowatt smile, a truckload of swagger, and a date card, and the ladies LOVE him. LUH-UH-UH-UH-UV him. Even his date card loves him: “Josh, I can’t believe you’re still single.” I mean, come on. Josh makes the rounds and sits down with Carly to get the lay of the land.

Carly: So, do you have anyone in mind for your date?

Josh: Yeah, I do. I was thinking about asking, umm…hold on. Hey Chris! Who did you say he was dating?

Chris Harrison: [off camera] Amanda!

Josh: Thanks! [turns back to Carly] I was thinking about asking Amanda out.

Carly: But, honestly, she just went out with Nick last night.

Josh: Ha! I know! Isn’t it classic? Hey! Amanda! You want to talk?

So Josh sits down with Amanda, turns the smile up to 11, and tells a simply amazing story about his dog who had cancer, and it’s finally in remission after months of chemo, and when he invites her on his date, she can’t help but say yes.

Josh: Hey Nick! Just like old times, huh buddy? Yeah, we’re gonna get romantic, hold hands – you know, get to KNOW each other. Wink, wink…

Amanda – Who’s Nick?

I don’t what happened. I woke up in a perfectly good mood…

At Least Josh Doesn’t Get the Boat Date. Wait, What…?

Josh and Amanda frolic away, while Nick visibly breaks down in the Palapa, with a little help from Daniel and Carly and The Twins and basically everyone in the house asking him how he feels about Josh going after the same girl. Again.

A Twin, I think: Hey! Do you think they’re on that sailboat right there? That would be amazing…

Nick: Why would you even say something like that right now?

Why, Nick? Because they’re on that freaking sailboat! That’s why!

Amanda: Just so you know, I went out with Nick, but it wasn’t anything serious…

Josh: Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you went out with him first – for more reasons than you know! [SMILE]

Of course, Josh gets the boat date. Also, there’s a tell-all by The Dorf? I need to read this. Apparently, to say she described Josh as ‘over-aggressive’ would be putting things mildly. I’ve never read it, I have no idea, but I have to say I’m not surprised. Amanda asks about it, Josh maxes out the wattage on those teeth, talks his way out of it, and they start mauling each other like tiger cubs. Nick worries about losing Amanda to Josh. Amanda worries about losing her bikini bottoms to Josh.

Evan & Carly Date

Evan is madly in love with Carly. Carly is trying to be anywhere Evan isn’t.

My brothers told me to stop dating feminine guys. Example: my first boyfriend? He has a boyfriend now…

But of course Evan gets the date card, because this is the most perfectly manipulated season ever. After searching high and low, Evan finally finds Carly hiding in a linen closet and asks her out. She hesitates (though a 73 second pause is technically more than a “hesitation”), but Carly rolls her eyes, says yes, and thinks to herself, “It’s one dinner, let’s just get this over with. At least no one will see us.”

You’ve got to be KIDDING me!

No simple dinner for you, Carly! Tonight, you will set the world record for the habañero pepper kiss. So, not only will a hundred people be screaming and cheering and clapping while you lock lips for 90+ seconds with a man you find completely revolting, but your names will be written down together in history. Surprise! The event looks every bit as painful as you might think, Carly’s commentary about how nauseating the whole thing is amazing, and then they pull away from the kiss and I throw up in my mouth:

That is just vile…

Evan checks his pulse while the proctor confirms the official time…

…because that’s what masculine men do after eating a pepper, and it’s official: 1:41. Congratulations, Carly; your kiss with Evan is preserved for generations to come. Then, they both go throw up, and for Carly, it’s not just from the pepper.

Wrapping Things Up

That night, Emily tries to get Jared to do or say anything, but getting him to open up is like breaking into Fort Knox.

Again, I don’t get it. You’re on vacation, dude, and Emily is cute and funny and she’s not an asshole – and she practically has to give Jared a lap dance to get him to look at her. She’s not asking for a ring, she just wants to fool around. Jared finally gives in, but man, she should not have to work that hard for it.

Josh and Nick sit down together, and Josh is just rubbing it in – mercilessly. “Oh yeah, man, I knew you went out with her. From the moment I walked in here, I knew. And she is one amazing girl; I know why you like her so much. We had GREAT time, too. AMAZING, bro. [SMILE] I think we could have something really, REALLY special. But, you know, God has a plan and I’m just gonna let him take care of it. I got nothing to do with it. Maybe she picks you, maybe she picks me – but she probably picks me. [SMILE]”

There’s lions and there’s sheep. Roar.

Josh is just relentless, and Nick looks so deflated. It’s AMAZE-BALLS. I love this show. Tonight, Amanda spends a lot of time eating Josh’s tongue, Carly makes Evan cry, and Nick adds yet another confrontation to his long list of Bachelor confrontations. Somewhere, Shawn Gosling is popping popcorn and laughing his ass off. See you tonight, my friends.

 

And now, The Twins molest Daniel – and he kinda likes it….