Previews! Nick is bummed, Josh is hungry for some face, and Daniel is stirring the pot. Bachelor in Paradise starts…right now!

But first, Daniel is counting his abs, and he’s losing count…

Josh & Amanda

So, what have these two been up to since Long Dong Josh strolled in and erased any memory of Nick from Amanda’s mind with his blazing white smile?

Yup, this is pretty much it…

They make out the ENTIRE episode. Full tongue, Josh makes creepy moaning sounds, Amanda is groping him. And people are just watching this. They’re eating breakfast, sitting next to them on the couch, Jared’s reading a newspaper, the cleaning staff is dusting them off, and Josh and Amanda are lost in their own world of Sucking Face. Don’t their lips get tired? They don’t need water or food? Though, they have swallowed enough tongue to feed a small army, so maybe they’re not hungry. Amanda and Josh aren’t the only ones enjoying themselves, though; Daniel is loving the opportunity to poke at Nick a little.

Daniel: Hey. That’s messed up how he took your girl.

Nick: She was never my girl…

Daniel: Yeah she was. You gave her a rose. You said you really liked her.

Nick: Look, it’s not that big a deal.

Daniel: And this is the second time he’s done it to you. Does that bother you?

Nick: NO. It doesn’t…bother me.

Daniel: Are you sure? ‘Cos you look a little tense.

Nick: Daniel, let it go…

Daniel: Look at him, muscles all glistening…

Nick: Shut up, Daniel…

Daniel: You should confront him right now.

Nick: I’m not going to talk to him and I’m not going to confront anyone and I’m not going to talk about this anymore with you or anyone else because IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME AND I DON’T FUCKING CARE!! OK?!!

Daniel: Are you sure?

Say Hello to Christian

But enough kicking Nick while he’s down, Daniel. You have a rose to secure, and it’s time to make your move on Sarah, and make sure no one gets in your way. Remember: you’re an Eagle!

Yeah, well Daniel ain’t the only bird of prey around here…

Here comes Christian, and the ladies’ eyes pop out of their heads. He’s smiley, he’s jacked, and most importantly, he doesn’t say a bunch of weird, random shit that no one understands. He gets the scoop from the boys, Josh pees on Amanda’s leg, claiming her as his own, and Daniel makes a half-hearted attempt to claim Sarah, but it doesn’t really work. Christian scoops Sarah up into one of his gigantic arms and whisks her away.

Evan & Carly

We hear dueling versions of Evan and Carly’s habañero date.

Evan to Vinny: People were cheering and clapping. And when our lips touched, there were butterflies and explosions, all at the same time! [sigh] It was whimsical…

Carly to Everyone Else: It was a nightmare. I wanted to throw up. He gives me erectile dysfunction. I honestly don’t know how he has two kids.

Isn’t it funny how two people never seem to remember the same event quite the same way? Anyhoo, remembering how she had her heart completely ripped out last year, Carly decides she doesn’t want to lead anyone on, so she needs to be honest with Evan. Plus, girls are handing out the roses this week, so hell with him. Carly thinks about all the things she wishes Kirk had told her last year, and tells them to Evan, and I’m impressed by the way she makes herself even more feminine to soften the blow for Evan’s dainty violet of a heart. Evan’s very hurt, because that night of drooling pepper-soaked saliva on each other’s faces and then yakking in a public restroom was very special to him, and he needs some time alone now.

I think tonight’s diary entry will be extra-special-emotional…

Big plus, though: Jared gets his first funny line of the season! “Look – you went on a date with him and you threw up.” That’s pretty good.

Josh & Amanda – Any Change?

nope…

Christian & Sarah – Zipping Their Way to Love

Daniel and Carly are commiserating.

Carly: Dude. He tried to kiss me after I threw up. So gross.

Daniel: Yeah, that’s dirty. I hope Sarah’s date isn’t going well…

This is so much fun!

Sorry, pal; things are going swimmingly between Christian and Sarah. They zip-line, and rappel, and climb rocks, and swim, and she’s pretty much loving every minute of it. They even kiss for a little bit, but to be honest, Sarah kisses like a bird and it’s a complete turn off. Those press-lipped pecks drive me nuts; someone needs to give Sarah and Evan some serious lessons. They return to the Green Eyed Palapa of Jealously and tell everyone about how amaze-balls their date was, and Daniel looks legitimately bummed out. Aww…

The eagle is sad…

Here’s Barton! Branson! Braden? Who is this guy?

Chris Harrison: Can I help you?

Brandon: Hi, I’m Brandon. I was told to come here for the show.

Chris Harrison: I’m sorry, sir, but Paradise is reserved for people who have been on The Bachelor or the Bachelorette before. Perhaps you’d like to apply at one of our open auditions. We’re having one in Des Moines next month.

Brandon: But, I was on Desiree’s season. The Producers flew me down here!

Chris Harrison: Hmmm…I’m pretty sure I’d remember….

And yeah, I didn’t get a picture of Brandon’s face, but does it matter? You didn’t remember him. And neither does anyone else. Carly thinks he’s part of the crew, but he’s hot and she used to hook up with the crew all the time when she worked on cruise ships, so as the locals say, porque no? Unfortunately, after Braylen does the obligatory interviews, he chooses Haley for his date, and now Carly thinks she’s meant to be single for the rest of her life. Come on, Carly; you are so much better than this.

Brantley takes Haley to dinner, and the twins decide to pull the switch and see if he notices. I get The Twins want their dates to be able to tell them apart, but come on, he just met them an hour ago. That’s so mean. I think Bretton should switch places with Josh B. from Andi’s season and see if they notice. ‘Who?’, you ask? Exactly. Anyways, Branford signs his own death warrant by saying he can “definitely tell them apart”, and the switch is on. Needless to say, he has no freaking clue which one is which, and he lays the romance on thick, even going for the kiss at one point.

Emily (as Haley): Ummm, I like to take things slow. REAL slow…

And Now, Emily Goes From Stone Cold Sober to Crying Drunk in Half a Beer

Hey Jorge! Can I have a beer? I don’t usually drink, but we have a lot to celebrate and my sister is going on a [burp] date, in fact she’s prac-tal-lee engaged – cans someone braid my hair? – and I’m sooo in love with you, but I’m not sleeping with you, Jorge – NO MEANS NO! – and I just hope [sniffle] that Lace finds someone – Fuck, Lace, you are HOT! I am so horny right now – and oh my gaawwwwddd [crying profusely] pleease don’t let Jared seee meeeee!

Daniel & Sarah, Revisited

Daniel takes another pass at Sarah, and sets up some champagne and tasty treats on a day bed, and then says a bunch of random, nonsensical shit and makes off-color jokes. Wait, no he doesn’t; he reveals the deep and thoughtful side that has been lurking beneath the surface the entire time, and Sarah is extremely touched to see this side of him. And then, this happens:

Daniel: I want to kiss you right now, but I don’t want to give you the Zika virus.

Sarah: I have a mosquito on my lips, so I think I already have it.

Oh well…

The Big Conclusion

Let’s see…I wonder what Josh and Amanda are up to?

Seriously, people are sitting right next to them…

Now, according to Evan, the fact that Josh has been inhaling Amanda’s face for 24 hours means that tonight is the perfect time for Evan to declare his love. His love for Amanda, not Josh. He splashes on liberal amounts of cologne, sets out the lobster and wine dinner, and then tells the camera that “Josh is hiding his inner bad guy.” Oh, he’s hiding something alright, Evan. And later tonight, he and Amanda are going to hide it together. But you have a good heart, so you go get ’em, tiger!

Excuse me…ummm, hey…hey guys! Over here! Guys?

Amanda: Oh, it’s alright, Evan. Josh isn’t having any problems down there. But thanks anyway!

Josh: Hey, bro. Can you get me a margarita?

TO. BE. CONTINUED. And I did not watch Post-After-Rose-Whatever show, even though Chad was going to be on. Did I miss anything interesting?

Next week: with Chad gone, Evan pokes Josh instead. Evan has an unresolved childhood issue or two regarding guys bigger than him. Plus, the return of Caila! Can anyone hold her interest for more than a day? This show was kind of made for her, no? See ya then, my friends…

 

And now, Evan shares his lobster dinner with Jared while they butcher Robert Frost.

Wait, is it “I took the path that you didn’t take, so thus all bases were covered”? I think that’s how it goes…