Tonight! Caila arrives and Jared wakes up! The first double date in Bachelor in Paradise History (a whole 2.5 seasons)! And Evan isn’t ready for a premature ejection! Will Josh ‘explode’ with rage? Paradise starts….right now!

Need my daily sizzurp, eh…

Wait – Evan’s Still Trying to Hit on Amanda?

Well, apparently Evan hasn’t come to his senses yet, and he’s still trying to pry Amanda out from inside Josh’s mouth to profess his undying affection. Vinny and Izzy watch the train wreck unfold in real time.

Vinny: Sometimes I want to shake him, and tell him to ‘stop being the awkward cock-doctor’.

Evan uses a strobe light and an air horn to get their attention, and then invites Amanda to the ‘treehouse’, presumably for a game of spin-the-bottle for two. Amanda is too sweet not to humor him, plus her lips have swollen to the size of a grapefruit from all the making out, and she needs a break. Josh is clearly threatened by Evan’s interruption; he’s so worried about losing his girl, that he orders a pizza.

Man, this pizza’s good. The cheese is incredible. It’s not even one cheese; it’s like  2 or 3 cheeses mixed together. I wonder if it’s the same cheese they use on the quesadillas? Mmmmm…I should probably save a slice for Amanda…fuck it, I’m sure Evan cooked her something…

That kid loves himself some pizza. Evan opens his heart and Amanda says “Aww, that’s sweet! But I’m sleeping with Josh, and you have no chance of stopping that from happening. Thanks, though!” And then she leaves, without touching her lobster – good thing Jared’s hungry. Despite making her feelings abundantly clear, Evan saw a “spark in Amanda’s eye” and he thinks there’s still a glimmer of hope. Evan – that spark was for Josh, and that glimmer you see is the distant glow of self-delusion. It’s like a mirage; you can walk all day, but you’re never getting there. Amanda tells Josh how sweet Evan was, and Josh makes this face, which pretty much says it all.

Aww, poor little Evan! He’s like a lost little puppy! You didn’t bring any of that lobster down, did you?

And then Josh, Amanda, and the Pizza go the pool together, and Josh takes turns eating the pizza and Amanda’s tongue.

It’s Rose Day

Everyone’s getting ready: the girls are doing their hair, Nick is putting on a tie in 90 degree weather, and Daniel is shaving Vinny’s back.

Wow, you’re like a monkey, eh. It’s everywhere…

That night, everyone gathers in the Palapa of Desperation, and Josh is really sweaty. Like slip-and-slide wet. That guy needs to move to high latitudes fast. There are 7 girls and 9 guys, so it’s time to work that room, boys. Christian and Daniel compete for Sarah, and watching her kiss is painful. I think she and Evan need to play spin-the-bottle in the treehouse until they’re ready to join the adults. Brandon is SUPER-stoked about the amazing connection he has Haley.

Barnson: I feel so good about our relationship. That conversation on the balcony really showed me how much we have in common.

Haley: That was my sister, you moron. Who’s season were you on again?

Meanwhile, Evan is wandering the beach like a lunatic, psyching himself up for another talk with Amanda. You know, ‘glimmer of hope’ and all. Evan pulls Amanda away for a second time, and throws Josh under the bus by bringing up the ’emotionally abusive’ narrative from Andi Dorfman’s tell-all book. Evan is a really nice guy, so Amanda trusts him completely. Because that’s what nice guys do: they spread rumors and hearsay to further their own self-interest. Josh is understandably upset, and sits Evan down to talk, and hold the fucking phone – Evan hasn’t actually read Andi’s book? So, Evan is two rungs down the rumor ladder, he has no clue what he’s talking about and he’s trying to blow up someone’s relationship just to get a rose. Yup, he’s a really nice guy, Amanda. But, at least Josh finally resolves the ‘book issue’, so it should be clear sailing from here, right?

You know, I’m really worried about Josh’s temperament, so I feel like I need to warn Amanda before she gets too involved…

Oh, for chrissake. Now, it’s Nick’s turn to go behind Josh’s back, and hold that phone one more time: Nick hasn’t read the book, either? Has anyone read this book? Anyway, Nick tells Amanda about something he heard from someone who talked to Jorge, who heard it from a cousin who has a sister-n-law that read a 2.5 star review on Goodreads while she was in the bathroom, and let’s Amanda know that she needs to be careful. And now, instead of doing this…

Dude…this is starting to get graphic.

…Josh and Amanda are doing this:

This is just great. Thanks, guys…

Let’s hand out some roses, shall we?

Lace picks Grant – it’s like Chad never happened

Izzy picks Vinny – I like this couple; I think they work after the show’s over

Emily picks Jared – Jared’s still not awake yet, but he will be

Amanda picks Josh – cut to Nick: “Josh is just an overbearing guy.” Who keeps taking your women

Sarah picks Daniel

Carly picks Evan – and Evan thinks it’s a sign that she’s still interested. I mean…come on.

Haley picks Nick

Wait, what?

Surprise! And check out the grin on Daniel’s face in the corner. He loves this crap. The more drama, the better. On the ride to the airport, Branlon is crazy-confused, because he was getting all the right signals that Haley was digging him. And then the driver tells him about the twin-switch, and Branley punches his seat and yells, “I knew I should have gone for Carly!”

Another Day in Paradise

Emily is so excited about Jared! She just can’t wait to see where their relationship goes! Nothing can stop them now!

I am so excited to meet a great guy, get him to like me, and then drop him for the next one. How many guys are here again?

Right now, the girls are as nervous as the guys were last week when Josh showed up. Caila’s so pretty, she’s so perfect, she has amazing hair – LBH and I don’t really get it. Caila’s cute, but I think she’s like Nick in a way: there’s something incredibly hot about her in person that doesn’t translate through the screen. The only person who doesn’t know Caila is Jorge, and Lace explains that “she was supposed to be the Bachelorette before JoJo took over.” Ouch. “It’s so sex panther showing up with a date card!” Holy hashtag – did she trademark that? Turn the page, Caila; sexpanther is not that clever. She interviews the boys to see who she’d like to toy with first, and for the First Time in Bachelor in Paradise History, Jared shows signs of life. His mouth opens and he says things and he makes eye contact. I honestly thought that Jared died 2 years ago in freak pizza oven accident at the Sbarro he was managing, and they were carrying him around Weekend-at-Bernie’s-style just for the ratings, but Caila seems to have miraculously raised the dead. Jared wins the Caila lottery and Emily is bummed.

Caila seems so perfect and condescending. Wait – does condescending mean ‘great hair’?

Of course, Gentleman Jared talks to Emily first, and Jorge and Lace are on the edge of their seats.

Jorge: Of course she picks Jared!

Lace: Is he talking to Emily? I can’t watch, Jorge! Tell me what’s happening while you make another margarita.

Jorge: Oh-oh….

Caila & Jared – Back in the Saddle

They go horseback riding on the beach, and Caila wore the wrong top.

Eyes up, Jared….

Or maybe she’s wearing the perfect top, who knows. They frolic in the surf, sit in the sand, and Jared has butterflies. He tells Caila he’s only interested in her, and Caila is suddenly and inexplicably bored with Jared.

They return to the house, all aglow, and Emily can see the writing on the wall. Jared gives her the deal, and Emily is single and feeling sorry for herself, though the ‘woe-is-me’ act wears a little thin when she says she’s never been heartbroken before, and then follows up with “why do guys always pick someone else?” Which one is it? Though, I really like Emily, so I can’t give her a hard time. She’s kinda secretly my Shawn Gosling, which is weird because she couldn’t be more different from Lovely Better Half. Then again, I look nothing like Shawn Gosling, so I’m not sure what that says about us. Hmmm…

Can Josh & Amanda Move On From Last Night’s Drama?

Yup, back to normal…

Izzy & Vinny & Lace & Grant

It’s the first double date in Paradise history, and Lace couldn’t be more excited.

I’m so happy Grant and I FINALLY got a date! Because we’ve been a Day 1 couple – well, except for that whole ‘Chad‘ thing, but we agreed not to talk about that…

Our intrepid foursome goes to dinner and talks about how much they like each other. Then, Lace assigns everyone celebrity names. She and Grant are Grace (LBH: “Why not Glace?” I don’t know, baby…), and Izzy and Vinny are Vizzy. Not to pat myself on the back, but I called that in Week 1. Hey, I don’t get a lot right on this show; I’ll take a victory where I can get it. Then, they go to a foam party at a Puerto Vallarta nightclub, and I can’t think of a place I want to be less. Foam, a bunch of 20-something dudes, body shots, and then this:

I guarantee you there have been after-hour cockfights in that pit. Anyway, a dissatisfied Bachelor Fan dumps water all over Lace and a fight almost breaks out. Grant pulls Lace out before shit goes sideways, and Lace is in love: “Now I know that Grant has my back. And my front.” What does that even mean?

Meanwhile, Back At the Palapa of Monotony

Sarah and Carly are bored out of their skulls, so they invite Daniel and Evan over for drinking games.

Wildin’ out, yo….

Always one to stir the pot, Daniel livens things up with a suggestion or two: “You guys would be a great couple, eh. Clearly, you’re both attracted to each other. You should totally kiss.” Carly is incredibly uncomfortable. Evan is incredibly hopeful. He goes for a kiss, but Carly escapes with a hug, and then Evan passes out in his room.

THAT’S what a producer looks like? Must be casual Friday…

How did they know to check on him? These people pass out drunk every night. Just to remind everyone, Chad shat himself and had a crab crawling on his face, and no one lifted a finger. I call bullshit, and of course, Evan is fine, but the only way the medical staff will leave him alone is if someone “stays to observe”. Completely set up to get Carly to spend the night. Then, Evan pulls Carly down to the bed and gropes her until she kisses him, and for all the talk about what a bad guy Josh is, ‘Nice Guy’ Evan is borderline molesting Carly until she gives in.

Come on…one kiss…just the tip, I promise…

Josh & Amanda Finally Move Past First Base

Nick is bored and walking around the beach alone, bitching about Josh. He sure talks a lot about Josh stealing Amanda, considering “it doesn’t bother him at all”. You know who isn’t bored? Josh, who takes Amanda to bed, followed by an astounding montage of flowers opening to trains in tunnels to waves crashing to fireworks. The production crew is really on their game this season.

ewww…

The next morning, Josh and Amanda are relaxing in post-coital bliss, when Josh accidentally drops his bagel.

Hey, check it out! I caught my bagel with my dick! Hey Evan – can you do this or do you need to take a pill first? And Nick, you know what else was in that book you never read? THIS, all day and all night…

Look at Amanda’s bed-head. Holy cow. That is a woman that sat-iss-fied in every way possible. Anyway, everyone’s in the Palapa de Desayuno, fortifying for another long day of medically dangerous alcohol consumption. People are pairing off, and for the first time since Kaitlyn, Jared is head over heels, and there’s nothing that can derail his newfound love with Caila.

Omigod, I so totally can’t wait to see Jared! He hasn’t met anyone yet, right?

Tonight, Ashley I-Lashes cries, and the Playa Escondida cries with her. Plus, crabs, crabs, and more crabs. See ya then….

 

And now, The Twins befriend Iggy the Iguana.