You know, sometimes the best title is provided by the show itself, and I can’t phrase it any better than Ashley I. Her life truly can’t get any more dramatic, and she cries so much, she actually affects the weather. It’s like climate change pouring out of her eyeballs. Amazing. When we left off, Jared could completely see himself falling for Caila. Yay for Jared, right?

Do you have any idea how excited The Producers are that you agreed to do the show again? You’re like money in the bank!

The scoop is that Jared and Ashley used to fool around a little, but nothing in the past 5 months. And Ashley’s goal is to only cry 3 times this season. Good luck. Let’s meet the group! Hi, Jared!

Heyyyy….I didn’t know you would be here…

He looks thrilled. But not as thrilled as Caila.

Shit. I told her I wouldn’t hit on Jared. Oh well – I’m ready for the next guy anyway…

The look on Josh’s face is awesome, too. He actually stops eating for a second to soak it all in. Only for a second, though. Jared and Ashley sit down to talk (surprise) and Jared explains that he’s pursuing Caila, and that’s that.

Ok…the first cry doesn’t count…

And now for a little back story: Caila and Ashley hung out, Caila promised not to hit on Jared, and said that he wasn’t even her type. When confronted, Caila basically says, “Yeah, well I talked to him and I changed my mind. Sorry not sorry.” And now Ashley thinks Caila is a backstabbing whore, and she wants to go home. She’s been here for maybe 60 seconds and the drama has already gone from 0 to 150 mph. But hey, at least she’s perfected the art of instantly refreshing her makeup as she cries.

That’s cry #2. She needs to space these out better if she wants to stick around…

Bless her heart. Jared convinces Ashley to ask Daniel out for some reason, because that’s what she needs right now: an egotistical model that says bizarrely inappropriate shit all the time. By the way, how was that first conversation, Ashley?

Ashley: The card says ‘Love Requires Sacrifices’. I don’t know what that means, but do you want to come on my date with me?

Daniel: Maybe we’re going to sacrifice a baby cow.

Ashley: Yeah, I don’t think I could take part in that.

Daniel: I eat meat, so I could do it.

Ashley: [completely taken aback] Umm, ok. So, do you want to get ready?

Daniel: Sure. Let’s go, eh.

On second thought, maybe a night with Daniel is exactly what Ashley needs.

A storm is coming…

So, Ashley and Daniel Go On a Date

Ashley: Other than being Canadian, what do you do?

Daniel: Eat maple syrup. You’re still a virgin, right?

Ashley: Uh, yeah. Nothing religious, just kind of a personal choice.

Daniel: Do you ever get curious? Do you swing both ways?

Ashley: No.

Daniel: I do. Only on Fridays, though.

And it just gets better from there. And I don’t have to make up dialogue, because whatever Daniel says is better than anything I can create. He’s abnormally turned on by Ashley’s virginity.

I’m thinking: Does she want Canadian sex? Some Canadian bacon? A Canadian sausage?

You’re telling me Ben and Lauren can get their own spin-off and Daniel can’t? Put cameras on this guy 24/7, right now. A bunch of tribal dancers invade their meal…

Wow. They actually went there.

…and kidnap Ashley. Unsure what to do, Daniel finishes both his and Ashley’s meals. End of date.

Can We Please Find Someone For Nick?

The next day, Ashley is talking to the twins, like the whole ancient Aztec ritual never happened, Josh is still inhaling Amanda, and Nick has officially replace Jared as the resident Mr. Mopey Pants. He just wishes, for once, that he could meet someone really fun and hot.

Hey! Is anyone still single? The dick doctor? Ummm…is my contract binding?

It’s Jen S from Ben’s season. Really good looking, but she didn’t show up last year, which probably means she’s a completely normal person, and her footage couldn’t get priority over the usual collection of psychotics and emotional basket cases. Jen gets the scoop from The Twins, and it’s pretty much the perfect recap of the season. It takes The Twins 30 seconds to perfectly explain what takes me 10,000 words. I need to rethink my writing style. Basically, Jen’s choices at this point are Daniel, Nick, and Evan. So, Daniel and Nick. Daniel’s sense of humor isn’t for everyone, so the question isn’t whether she chooses Nick; it’s how long until Josh steals her away from him. Nick’s finally happy again.

Jen is the first person I’ve felt compelled to put myself out there for. Besides Andi, of course. And Kaitlyn. And Amanda. And Caila. But, if you don’t include them, Jen is the first.

Good for you Nick. It’s always nice to find that once-in-a-lifetime connection. Again. Where are we heading today?

Boat Date!

If I had a boat, I’d never date on land. Nick mumbles and emotes. Jen is intrigued and attracted, for the life of me, I don’t know why. Jen mentions her favorite dolphin fun fact, that they’re the only other mammal to have sex for pleasure. I thought we settled this during Ben’s season – the Bonobo monkey likes to get it on, too. And apparently crabs are attracted to the mating ritual as well, because without Josh around to cock-block Nick, the crabs do their best to pick up the slack.

That looks uncomfortable and nerve-wracking…

I’m Not Watching After Paradise Next

Is this a permanent gig for Sean Lowe? What does this guy do? I thought he was working in the oil and gas business. And any crying Ashley does on After Paradise doesn’t count towards her total. This is strictly extra-curricular.

Carly & Evan – Can This Get Any More Awkward?

So, Evan has swollen ankles and he needs to go to the hospital. Maybe he’s pregnant? Of course, he invites Carly, because that’s the romantic kind of guy he is, and what girl can resist a butchered IV?

My god…that looks like a bullet wound.

And then Evan and Carly hang out in the emergency room. I mean, any guy that does this crap to get a girl’s attention is insane, right? And the fact that it’s starting to work on Carly is even more insane. She cannot be this desperate. Carly is cute and funny and she doesn’t have to settle, and someone needs to stage an intervention before she gives up and gets pregnant with Evan’s 3rd kid after 28 seconds of unbridled passion. Come on, Carly.

Jared & Caila

Jared: I am SO into you.

Caila: That’s nice…

Jared: And I don’t want you to think that Ashley affects anything between us.

Caila: Ok. I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Ashley’s…yours…

Jared: You can open up to me, you know.

Caila: Yeah, no thanks. When do you think the new batch of guys is showing up?

Wake Up, Paradise!

It’s rose day, and everyone’s getting their game faces on. Nick is chilling in his jean shorts.

This is the same guy who packed a half shirt during Kaitlyn’s season. Seriously – what is it chicks dig about this guy?

Ashley is working on Cry #3.

I’m sorry miss, but you’ve hit your limit. Time to pack…

And The Twins are….what exactly is this?

Man. That is just a little too familiar.

Everyone gathers in the Palapa of Fate, and Chris Harrison stumbles out for the first time in two episodes.

Hey! How’s everyone doin’? Cos I am straight up LIT! Been chillin’ with Jorge, setting the drinks up, and knocking ’em down, baby! I love this gig. Anyway, guys are giving out roses, so talk this shit out. I’m heading back to the bar, see ya in a bit…

And all the talk pretty much revolves around Ashley and Ashley obsessing and Ashley crying. By the time she finally sits down with Jared, she’s well past 3 cries, and she yells and whines and begs and cries some more, and Jared does a lot of this:

I am SO over this shit…

And that’s it. Next week, Ashley cries (and the C, R, I, E, & S keys on my keyboard break once and for all), Caila moves on (surprise…), and Vizzy is fizzing out. Though I don’t necessarily trust these previews anymore. Wasn’t Chad supposed to come back and go crazy? Did I invent that in my own head a couple weeks ago? I could have sworn I saw that in a preview. Either way, see ya next week, my friends…

 

And now, Daniel hand-feeds Erotic Canadian Bacon to Emily.