Ashley I: “Holy shit!”
Izzy: “I feel like a real shit person right now.”
Evan: “Shut the front door!”
Ahhh, Evan – always the odd one out. Paradise starts….right now!
Nice shot, Josh…
When we last left, we had one very weepy Ashley and one exasperated Jared.
Ashley: But…waahhh…nothing makes me happier – SNORT! – than youuu-hooo-hooo-hooo….Wahhhhhhhh!!
Jared: Yeah. I can tell.
Jared: Let me as clear as possible: I like you, but not romantically. I’m pursuing Caila. That’s it. End of story.
Ashley: sniff, sniff, sniff…Are you sure?
Jared: Oh, sweet mother of Jesus…
Jared throws his hands in the hair, and talks to Caila in an attempt to salvage any shred of a connection that might still exist after Hurricane Eyelash. Ashley wails and beats her chest and vomits emotional sewage all over The Twins, Daniel, Jorge, and anyone else who isn’t completely sick of her crap by now.
Ashley is not a pretty crier. She should really try to smile more…
The boys are in control this week, which means that Carly is suddenly finding Evan attractive again. “He’s just so awkward and weird. What? The guys are handing out roses? Well…maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him away so quickly….” No, Carly, you should have pushed sooner and harder. But what do I know; give Evan a kiss and get yourself a rose.
LBH: What is she on? Hallucinogens?
Not hallucinogens, baby; Carly is hooked on a drug called Desperation. And now that she’s secured her weirdo for the week, Daniel is the Last Single Man Standing, and Sarah, The Twins, and Ashley I line up to make their case.
Sarah – Bakes a birthday cake for his half-birthday. Offers to cover herself in frosting. Pretty thoughtful, but Daniel is non-committal.
The Twins – Daniel is a little more intrigued with this possibility, and he’s interviewing Jorge for the job of Wingman.
Hey! There’s two of you….two of us….
Haley loses the rock-paper-scissors battle (because she throws rock every single time and Emily has recently switched from scissors to paper) and agrees to kiss Daniel for a rose. Inspired, Daniel overflows with romantic words worthy of a Shakespearean sonnet: “When I look at your butt, it’s like amazing. I want you to know that’s how I feel about you.”
Ashley I – But a cake and a kiss are nothing compared to what Ashley brings to the table: her virginity. And Daniel is fascinated in a creepy kinda way, going so far as to explain the 3 Reasons Why Virgins Are Awesome, most of which is blocked out by this picture:
Followed by the snippets that were allowable on TV:
- – which is like winning a battle in Vietnam.
- – and we can’t do that with science yet.
- – unless she’s watched a lot of porn.
The twins are understandably nervous, because they can’t cobble together half-a-virgin between the two of them.
Emily: We’re feeling really exposed right now.
Haley: Yeah, like vulnerable.
Emily: Totally! Wait, what does vulnerable mean?
Haley: Is my makeup running?
Haley: Ha! Vull-nurrr-bulllll….
Emily: We’re so dumb!
Apparently Ashley is wearing earplugs. Ok. Luckily, her mouth is still open, so we can get running commentary during the Rose Ceremony.
Grant picks Lace
(“Everyone here is so in love and so perfect.”)
Josh picks Amanda
(“And it’s so hurtful to see how happy everyone is.”)
Nick picks Jen
(“Caila is fake and she smiles at all the wrong times. Like, I NEVER smile, just as a default.”)
Vinny picks Izzy
(“Caila is so wrong for him and I know Jared loves me…”)
Evan picks Carly
(“…and if I can’t have him, no one can. Wait. Is he looking at me? Was that a look? I think he loves me, too!”)
Jared picks Caila
Daniel milks his moment and picks Haley (+Emily by association)
So, it’s goodbye to Sarah and Ashley. Sarah is pretty broken up: “I invested my heart again, I put my self through this again, and I get sent home again.” What’s the definition of insanity? Repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result? Maybe it’s time for Eharmony, Sarah. And Ashley goes out like she came in.
Seriously, Ashley’s 30’s are going to be a train wreck…
Jared is ecstatic and enjoying post-Ashley life with Caila. Ashley, however, as somehow managed to move on from Jared during the 25 yard journey down the driveway, and makes her triumphant return to the Palapa of Second Chances…
…where she begs to stay in Paradise as long as she stops acting crazy. Even Carly thinks she’s nuts at this point, and Carly has convinced herself that she likes Evan. The Producers wave the ‘Say Yes” signs behind the camera, and everyone says “Sure! Two more days of kleenex and eye-masks – why not!”
Good Mooooorning, Sayulita!
Everyone say ‘hi’ to Carl! Who the hell is Carl? I went back through my posts and all I have is a) he gave Andi a globe on the first night, and b) he almost cried when he got sent home Week 2, along with Nick the Golfer and Drunk Craig. I mean…really?
Producer: Carl. Like your name without the ‘y’.
Carly: Who? Are you just pulling people off the street now?
But wait, that’s not all! If you invite one unknown, we’ll throw in a second unknown for free!
If he hadn’t brought the lamp, you would’ve thought he was part of the crew. And even with it, he looks like a handyman…
It’s Brett, the hairstylist from Andi’s season, who showed up with a lamp on night one, did literally nothing else, and was gone by Week 3. The Producers kinda front-loaded the big-name cast members this season, no? Anyways, Emily loves Carl; she loves her tat-rats. And Izzy loves Brett; she loves her…bearded hairstylists in jeans and flip-flops, I guess. Now that I think about it, it’s kind of funny that Vinny’s a barber, too. Maybe Izzy really does have a thing for guys that cut hair. What if Vinny and Brett have a Thunderdome-style battle-to-the-death for Izzy’s heart, only instead of axes and chainsaws, there’s electric clippers and scissors and combs and blow driers and shit. That would be the BEST. EVER. So, Carl the Human Canvas asks Emily out – “YES!” – which leads us to….
Holy Shit is Caila Indecisive
Brett asks Caila out, and she says “Sure! Just let me check with Jared!”
Jared: I don’t want you to go.
Caila: I know, me neither. I’d much rather stay here with you.
Jared: Really? That’s great, because I really care about you! A lot!
Caila: Aww, that’s sweet! But it also sucks, because sometimes I have doubts about us…
Jared: Well, then, maybe you should go on the date.
Caila: Ok! Bye!
And now Jared is thinking, “Did she just trick me into telling her to go on a date with someone else?” You ever have that feeling you’re playing checkers while someone else is playing chess? That’s how Jared feels about Caila right now. Then, Caila changes her mind with Brett about 18 times, just to let him know who’s in charge, and they’re off on their Wild Double Date of the Unknown Bachelor Contestants.
Jared mopes around the Palapa of Karma, thinking he deserves this because he broke up with Crazy Eyes Clare, Ashley I, Jubilee, and Emily – and I’m floored, because Jared has been so boring that I forgot he dated all those women. How do you run through that much TV personality and remain completely unmemorable?
Boozin’ and Cruisin’
Yup, they’re on a boat, drinking Long Island Ice Teas and grinding crotches, the perfect place for Emily to find love.
He’s so frickin’ hot that I can’t even remember his name!
Yeah, 37 grand in ink and a $10 haircut – he’s a real Clooney. Whatever floats your boat, sister, but I need to rethink my secret crush on Emily. You know who’s not finding love? Caila, who’s idea of drinking on a boat is more Champagne/Monaco and less squeeze-bottle-vodka/Spring Break.
Yeah, not in this fucking lifetime, pal….
Turning down an eye-level pelvic thrust? That’s not very sex panther, Caila. Eventually the foursome returns to shore, and Caila rescues Jared from Ashley, who has used the vacuum of Caila’s absence to reestablish a beachhead in Jared’s heart.
Caila: My date completely sucked. There was bad liquor and bad music, and there were other people on the boat and I think some of them were poor, and that’s just not what I’m about. So, I want you to know that you’re not a plan B and I’m not waiting for someone else to arrive. Unless they have a date card that involves a helicopter or a private jet and some real booze and food. Like, the expensive stuff.
Jared: I love you.
And now Ashley cries. I’m so bored of Ashley right now.
Bring on the Night
Next up, let’s meet Ryan B from Kaitlyn’s Season!
Seriously, who the fuck are these guys?
How far down the robo-dial list did they have go, and how many Dainty Dentists and Former Swimmers did The Producers beg to join the cast before resigning themselves to these clowns? Could it be that the proverbial brass ring of reality television is losing it’s luster? Please, Bachelor, don’t burst my bubble like that. Funny side note – I searched my posts from Kaitlyn’s season for mentions of ‘ryan’, just to get some info on this guy. There wasn’t much (he did nothing that season), but there were 13 references to Ryan Gosling. I’m actually surprised the number was that low. Moving on – Ryan gets the deal from Jared (apparently they know each other?) and Jared tries to pawn Ashley off on him. Ryan talks to Ashley, Ashley talks about Jared the whole time, and Ryan asks Haley out instead.
Ryan B & Haley
They hike to some waterfalls and ride horses in jean shorts.
Doesn’t that itch?
The end. Not sure why this guy didn’t get more airtime on Kaitlyn’s season. He’s ratings gold.
Grant Does Something For Lace
Massages, I think. Lace was a lot more fun when Chad was around. Grant tells Lace he loves her…
…and then he asks her about the tattoo on her ring finger, and Lace says it’s a reminder of the future husband she’s looking for, but the truth is she met a bartender in Atlantic City when she was 21 and they fell madly in love and got matching ring tattoos because she knew it would last FOREVER. And it did. For 3 weeks.
Izzy Gets All Ashley-I over Brett
Basically, Izzy has been completely into Vinny until now, but Brett is one hot hunk-o-man, and she needs to take that shit for a ride. She feels like a “shit person” and Vinny gets the line of the night: “If you feel that way about yourself, how do you think I feel.” Bam. That’s a good one. Vinny commiserates with the boys:
Vinny: I’m just gonna leave.
Jared: Yeah, sure, me too, I guess. You want to share a cab? Whatever…
Nick: I’ve been dumped for other guys a ton of times. Don’t do anything rash. First, you stalk her – write her letters, follow her around, text her late at night. And if that doesn’t work, ask Chris Harrison to be on another season of the Bachelorette.
Evan: Have you tried fake swollen ankles? You wrap rubber bands around your calves until your ankles swell up like water balloons. Then you go to the emergency room and get an IV. Girls love it.
Daniel: You need to be the Papa Bear, eh. You should fight him. Just get naked and slather yourself with oil and fight it out, you know. Wrestle around with scissors and clippers. Two barbers enter, one barber leave, eh.
Vinny: What is wrong with you guys?
So, Vinny goes to hash it out with Izzy, and waits outside while she finishes her makeup.
Is she drying her hair? That used to be MY job….
Oh Yeah – Jen S Speaks
Someone: Did you hear what happened between Izzy and Vinny?
Jen S: I did.
Lovely Better Half: Is that all she says tonight? Why is she on the show?
And that’s it. Tonight, Jade and Tanner
milk a free trip to Mexico check in to offer their sage wisdom. Plus, Grace is on the rocks, Vizzy is no longer fizzy, and Caila’s had just about enough of Ashley’s bullshit. See ya tonight, my friends.
And now, Clark, Craig, Carl – whoever – can’t tell The Twins apart, but that’s not a problem for Emily because THOSE TATS!