So, Vinny’s still standing around, waiting for Izzy to finish her hair. Everyone is shocked – shocked, I tell you – that Vizzy is on the rocks, because, as Jared explains, “They’re the strongest couple in Paradise.” What is that worth, exactly? That’s like saying, “They’re the strongest couple out of everyone on spring break.” Sure, they drink and giggle and hook up, but after the week is over, they sober up, go to the airport and say things like “you live where?” and “wow, that’s pretty far” and “we should facetime…some time.”
Alas, Izzy and Vinny have their inevitable airport conversation a few days early, thanks to Brett, the snappily dressed hair stylist with a penchant for lamps. Vinny has strong feelings for Izzy. Izzy has doubts that she didn’t bring up before, but that Brett’s arrival ‘brought to light’, so to speak. Plus, while Vinny is a barber (and Izzy digs that), Brett is a stylist. Plus, he’s bearded. Izzy thinks she may still leave with Vinny after she’s done mauling Brett’s face, but Vinny isn’t anyone’s backstop, so he’s leaving.
So, it’s ok if I date Brett, then?
And that’s it. Vinny was more invested than Izzy; no one’s fault, shit happens sometimes. I think Vinny played it wrong, though – he should have stuck around and stolen Jen from Nick, just to completely crush Nick’s will to live. That would’ve been phenomenal.
Everyone is devastated. Everyone is questioning their relationships. Josh and Amanda are consoling Izzy.
Izzy: I feel terrible right now.
Amanda: I’m so sorry, we’re here for you.
Josh: Does anyone want to order a pizza?
But hey, if there’s anyone that can shine a hopeful ray of light in this time darkness, it’s Brett the Lamp King. Kidding. It’s Paradise’s most recent success story, Jade and Tanner!
A year later, and he still can’t stop staring at her boobs. That’s love…
Or as Grant puts it: “Who’s that?” I found that funny for some reason. Anyway, Jade and Tanner get 3 free nights at the Vedanta Nuevo Vallarta if they conduct some interviews and hand out a date card to the “most deserving couple”. It’s the Bachelor’s version of a timeshare sales seminar. So, let’s read some pre-written questions, close our eyes, point a finger, and get the hell out of there.
Carly and Evan – Carly says this relationship is different than any she’s had before (Dispassionate? Uninspired? Strictly a matter of convenience?) and that Evan is different than any man she’s ever dated before (Asexual? Effeminate? Really fucking awkward?). Tanner says “Best of luck to you both.”
Grant and Lace – Grant is in love with Lace. Lace thinks Grant is swell. Tanner says “Best of luck to you both.”
Carl and Emily – Emily can’t remember his name. Carl can’t tell the sisters apart. Tanner says “Best of luck with them both.”
Carl: She and Haley look so much alike! It’s so weird. Duuude…did I bring the wrong one again?
Josh and Amanda – Josh is grabby and kissy and offers to buy the date card. Amanda is smiley. Jade hates Josh. Tanner and Josh laugh about Nick getting the shaft. Jade gives Tanner a dirty look, and he regains his composure and says “Best of luck to you both.”
Nick? Hahaha! Nah, man – I’m not worried about Nick…
Nick and Jen – Tanner stifles a laugh while Nick mumbles. Jen looks uncomfortable, arms crossed, like she wants to be somewhere else. Jade says “Best of luck to you both” while Tanner thinks about Josh stealing Amanda and giggles some more.
Caila and Jared – Jared says “Every minute gets better and better.” Caila says “Best of luck to the three of you.” Jade and Tanner exchange confused glances.
Ashley and Her Hair Necklace – Loves Jared, hates Caila, tries to blow up their chance for a date. Jade wonders where the other half of Ashley’s couple is. Tanner says “Best of luck to you…and yourself.”
Jade and Tanner deliberate over the winner, then remember they were just phoning it in for the free trip, and give the date card to the last couple they talked to. Jared and Caila – congratulations!
Were you NOT listening to me? No one listens to me!
Jared & Caila – Didn’t Jade & Tanner Come Here Once?
They have dinner. They talk about Ashley. They talk about their feelings. They make out. They go swimming in their underwear. Jared thinks Caila has a quality that makes her very sexy. Yeah – she’s 100% non-committal, and it makes you want her more. Meanwhile, at the Palapa of Self-Doubt, Ashley whines because Caila is flirty and sexy, and why can’t she be flirty and sexy, and she’s very worried about all the naughty things that will happen in a mythical Fantasy Suite that doesn’t exist anywhere outside of Ashley’s own mind.
I don’t think they need a Suite to seal the deal, Ashley...
Jen & Nick – No, You Don’t Back Off
Jen really wants Nick to open up about his feelings. Let the mumbling begin.
Jen: I need a guy to open up, or else I back off.
Nick: I’m not backing off.
Jen: No, I’m backing off.
Nick: I don’t want you to back off.
Jen: I don’t want to back off from you.
Nick: I don’t want you to back off, either.
Jen: Then why are you backing off?
Nick: Because if I don’t back off, and you do back off, that’ll be the third time that a girl has backed off from me, and I don’t want to look like a joke.
Jen: You’re only a joke if you keep backing off.
Nick: Back off.
Jen: All this mumbling and whispering is putting me to sleep….
Carly & Evan – Into the Hut of Rebirth
Um, no thanks.
I’m all for experiencing new things and such, but when shit gets too weird, I get to the nearest bar…
No sooner is Carly finished telling the camera that – while Evan is nice – she wants a man with some swag, then Evan gets a date card, and invites Carly to an ancient ritual. And boy, do they get medieval. They strip down to their bathing suits, poor water over burning rocks, raise the temperature in the hut to about 847 degrees, and then tell each other their deepest feelings. Evan’s scared of not being accepted, and looks lovingly at Carly. Carly falls in love with Evan, because a guy has never gazed upon her that way when she’s looked like such shit. Then they poor hot water over each other.
Lovely Better Half: Why are they pouring horse piss all over each other?
Me: That’s not horse piss.
LBH: Yeah it is. It’s yellow.
Me: That’s from the minerals in the rocks.
LBH: Yeah, sure. The locals are messing with the gringos and that’s horse piss. “Don’t worry señor. It’s just yellow from the magic rocks.”
That horse piss looks hot…
Then, Carly and Evan maul each other’s faces in the Magical Hut of Horse Piss, and Carly finally gets her ‘lady boner’.
Me: Do you get a lady boner, baby?
LBH: [grimacing] I don’t even know what that is.
Join Us For After Paradise!
As intriguing as a ‘solitary Nick holding a glass of scotch’ looks, I’m boycotting until The Producers bring Harrison back.
Ashley Takes Obsessive One Step Too Far
Ashley explains to the camera that, while Caila can make out with Jared’s face, she can make out with his mind, and explains in great detail how she relishes pushing Jared’s buttons and playing him like a marionette. Wow. So, like I said in the title, she’s gone from entertaining to manipulative bitch in the span of one week. Nice job, Ash; enjoy your next 7 days on social media. Anyhoo, she tells Jared that it’s painfully obvious that Caila isn’t into him, and Jared buys it. No questions. Hook, line, sinker. And just like that, Jared has let the girl that cries like a baby 24/7 fuck with his head. I used to think that Jared was just mopey and kinda boring, but the truth is way worse: he’s insecure and weak-minded.
Jared decides to confront Caila with this new bit of ‘information’, and Caila loses her shit and decides to confront Ashley.
Can you excuse for one second? I need to go cut a bitch…
Luckily, one of them has some balls. Caila sits down with Ashley, they go at it for a bit, and we’re TO. BE. CONTINUED.
How about Daniel in the background, strutting around in a speedo? LOL. That guy’s funny when he’s not even trying…
And that’s it. Next week, Lace flirts with Carl for some reason, and Nick and Josh finally pull the gloves off. See ya then, my friends.
And now, geography lessons with Daniel and Emily (or is that Haley? Someone ask Carl). And, apparently, our first president was Abraham Lincoln. I weep for this generation.