Following in the illustrious steps of Jesse Kovacs, another Bachelor alumn turns to Patti Stanger to complete the journey of love that Chris Harrison started. Because, if one reality television show didn’t work, the obvious solution is to try a different reality television show. After all, who wants to meet someone at the gym? Or Starbucks? Or in a bar? Or anywhere else that doesn’t have a team of camera operators following your every move? But I digress –  who is our reality addicted contestant today, Patti?

Is the camera on me yet? Can I start crying?

Spoiler alert: Ashley doesn’t find love in Paradise. So, it’s time for really desperate measures: a visit with Patti Stanger, a “3rd generation matchmaker who knows how to find love”, yet somehow has managed to remain single herself. What’s that saying about never going to a barber with bad hair? I forget. According to Wikipedia (so you know it’s true…), Patti’s last relationship was in 2012 with some dude she met online. What have I been saying for the past 3 years? Eharmony, folks; that shit works. And hey, look who’s rejoined Patti’s crew! A very furry Destin and a very pregnant Rachel.

It’s 90 degrees out, I have to pee every 3 minutes, and all I want to do is lie down.

I remember when these two were replaced by the ridiculously good looking and even dumber guy and girl that never said anything other than “OMG you’re totally right, Patti!” Looks like Himbo and Bimbo didn’t survive the jump to the WE network. Enough of Patti’s crew, though; let’s meet the star of the hour.

I’m Ashley Iaconetti, I’m 28 years old, and I’m an Entertainment Journalist. The reason I’m still single is because I believe love should be like a Taylor Swift song.

1) Yes, Ashley, the reason you’re still single is DEFINITELY because you think love should be a Taylor Swift song. But I don’t agree with you for the reason you think I do. 2) Entertainment Journalist? I was about to scoff, but Ashley does have a Master’s degree in journalism, from Syracuse no less, so hats off to her. Plus, she writes a Bachelor blog for Cosmopolitan. Then again, I write a Bachelor blog, too, and – newsflash! – it doesn’t require a master’s in journalism.

(There’s also a sculptor named Dakota Pratt on this episode, who’s very tiny, has big hair, and may or may not be Spencer Pratt’s brother. Didn’t bother to check. He thinks he’s still single because he picks the wrong women. Lovely Better Half thinks he’s still single because he’s short. No one really cares that he’s on the show tonight, but his segments do provide a good opportunity to get another beer.)

It’s Reality Check Time!

First, a test. Ashley plays Bachelor Roulette, and places all her chips on the Perfect Man with every spin. Basically, she bets on double zero, which, as any gambler will tell you, is how casinos pay for the big water and light shows on Las Vegas Boulevard. Of course, Ashley loses, the point being that she is missing out on great opportunities while she waits for a mythical perfect guy. “There is no perfect guy, and this ‘supposed’ perfect guy that keeps you in the friend zone but doesn’t want anything more is stopping you from meeting good, eligible men.” And things start to get a little misty for delicate Ashley:

She thinks she has problems? I haven’t seen my feet in 2 months…

Still not getting through, Patti. Time to dial it up a notch. “He doesn’t like you! You’re living in a fantasy world, and he you need to free up space for someone new! He’s a douche, and he doesn’t deserve to be your friend!” Whoa, that got a reaction:

Can we hurry this up? I think my water just broke…

Still holding on, Ashley? Time for the most drastic measure of all: complete social media blackout.

Wait – not Instagram, too! It’s too much…

And just like that, Patti forces Ashley to cut the social media cord and de-friend Jared ‘That Guy’ on Facebook and Instagram. Though, I would like to point out, no one mentioned anything about Twitter, so there’s still a glimmer of hope that Ashley and Jared will eventually run off into the sunset together.

Let’s Meet Some Guys That Ashley Will Never Be Interested In

I run a landscaping company, I borrowed this jacket from a much larger man, and I look nothing like anyone Ashley has dated or ever will date.

I wash windows. Umm…were we supposed to wear a jacket?

I sell medical cannabis. I’m high right now, but I smoke so much, you can’t tell. I actually just sold an ounce to the window washer in the parking lot.

Professional paddle boarder. Heard of it? Fastest growing sport in North America? No? Well, the pay sucks, but it gets me outside. My tie? I traded it to that window washer guy for a joint.

I’m a Mormon. Yeah, I did my mission in Alaska. You’re from Fairbanks, Destin? Huh. I don’t know why ANYONE would EVER live in Fairbanks…

Wow, big time smack talk from the Latter-day Saint. That’s ok; Destin doesn’t know why ANYONE would EVER believe they’re going to get their own planet if they give up drinking and smoking. Is everyone here willing to date a virgin? A round of yeses, with the boarder guy adding that he would paddle to the moon and back for the right girl. Great.

Date on a Lake

Paddleboats. I know Patti has a two-drink-maximum rule, but does the date have to be this far from a functioning bar? Quite a change of pace from paradise, no? You know what else is different? Patti picked “two great guys that have morals and values – NOTHING like Ashley’s past guys.” Ouch. Throwing a little unnecessary shade at the Bachelor Franchise. How’s the view from atop your high horse, Patti? Let’s paddle.

#1 Brennan – Paddle boarder, fittingly enough. He’s interested in Ashley. They have a lot in common. The conversation is easy. Ashley could care less about this guy. They hug.

#2 Chris – Window washer. Ashley thinks he’s cute. He’s a conservative dater. The windows in his condo are immaculate. They hug.

Decision Day

Ashley’s had a lot of thinking to do in her hotel last night and it’s time to choose the New Man of Her Dreams.

Can I just say my lines and get out of here so I can go home and apologize to Jared on Facebook?

Brennan is a good conversationalist. Chris is good looking. It’s quite the quandary, but eventually Ashley flips a coin and chooses Chris the Window Washer. Chris is super-excited and can’t wait to tell all his squeegee buddies that he’s dating a Bachelor Girl. Let’s take one final look at our happy couple.

Chris: I’ve always wanted to propose to my dream girl on the suspended scaffolding. You’ll love it; the view is amazing..

Ashley: This guy actually thinks I’m giving him my real number….

And that’s all she wrote. See ya on Monday night, my friends…