Bachelor in Paradise Tres – Week 5 – I Think I Missed Something Important

Ok, so we’re on vacation this week and we missed last night’s episode. My apologies for not posting, but we left the kids with the grandparents, and WE’RE LOSING OUR MINDS RIGHT NOW. For the record, this is the first vacation Lovely Better Half and I have taken in over 3 years where A) we didn’t have kids or B) LBH wasn’t pregnant with a future kid. Game on, baby. We’re drinking our faces off. We’re going to nice restaurants. We’re laughing at parents wrestling with small children in meltdown mode. We’re seeing live music played by real musicians. And late at night (and once during the day as well) we do things to each other that would make you blush and avert your eyes…but then look back again in shameful fascination. So again, my apologies for not posting, but I’ve got other priorities right now.

However, if I am nothing, I’m at least dedicated, and we are lying dutifully on the bed in our hotel room, half-naked and ready to watch episode 2 this week, so I can deliver a bullet-point style, real time, quick and dirty recap before we go out to dinner and light it up like we’re still 24 years old. Enjoy…

Wait, Wells, Shushanna and Jami showed up? I missed the best episode ever.

Almost paradise….we’re knocking on heaven’s door…

Crabs everywhere.

Caila: “I’m leaving.” Jared: “Let me talk to Ashley.” Caila: “Whatever, dude – bye!” My god, this dude is so weak. And now Caila is returning to the real world to find a MAN, as opposed to a marionette. And then Jared runs after her. And I mean he literally runs after the van as it goes down the driveway. Bye, Jared; I can’t say I’ll miss you.

Ashley: “Everyone needs to have someone like Jared in their lives, because he makes everything better. He makes it great” As she cries. Ostensibly, feeling better about herself.

Carly on Jared leaving: “I have no idea what Ashley is going to do.” Yeah, you do, Carly. She’s going to cry her fucking eyelashes off and go on Million Dollar Matchmaker.

Lightening and crabs. Everywhere. All the time.

Is this like Jami’s 3rd chance at a Bachelor show? Kinda funny that she’s reached Nick Viall and Michelle Money status, and yet no one knows who she is.

Wells looks like a deer in the headlights when he finds out Jared has left. “Wait – Ashley’s going to obsess over me now?”

Ashley has matured more in one week than in the past year. That sounds like something a mature person would say.

Izzy is massaging Brett’s chest and thinks he’s perfect. She can’t imagine being with anyone else. Unless Vidal Sassoon walks in. I mean, what’s a hairstylist obsessed groupie to do?

Wells: “If you had told me two hot girls would be all over you, I’d be like ‘yes!'” Yeah, but one’s a virgin and one’s a bartender. Kind of an easy choice, pal.

School teacher Lauren! And she looks FANTASTIC! I was a big fan of Lauren during Ben’s season.

Hello, Shushanna. Double date? Sure, why not! Brett and Wells are kidnapped by the Russian Temptress and the Erotic Queen of the Midwest.

Surf school in Sayulita, and again, Lauren looks amazing. And she can surf. Shushanna? Not quite as coordinated…

Does anyone else think it’s funny that Nick is giving Ashley relationship advice? What exactly has he accomplished on this franchise?

Jami, Ashley, or Shushanna? When Wells was competing for JoJo, do you think he ever thought his life could be this good?

Enough of this crap. When are Nick and Josh going to fight?

Wow, Evan and Carly getting a little NC-17.

The twins are gone?! What?! And now that I think about it, where’s Daniel? WTF. Is it possible I missed the worst episode ever?

I think I need to re-watch the fight between Josh and Nick when I get home. Thank you, DVR.

Date card for Josh and Amanda. Amanda has doubts about Josh. Amanda has doubts about how she laces her shoes. She lives in a world of constant questions, where every move is second-guessed ad nauseum.

Does Sean Lowe get a hosting job after ‘After Paradise’ is over? This might be the last gasp of his reality show career.

Josh and Amanda Date – Lets talk about our feelings over some pizza pie. Amanda: “I’m a great judge of character. Except for the first guy I married, who left me a single mother at the age of 23. I misjudged him a little bit. But besides that, I’m a great judge of character. So, how’s Andi doing?” Fireworks and love ensue.

Wells is mauling a lot of girls and getting very confused. He kind of has to pick Jami, right? He’s a DJ, she’s a bartender, their both kind of young and hip – what’s the hold up?

Next week, Fantasy Suites, tears, Neil Lane, multiple proposals, and maybe we get to see Chris Harrison? Again, apologies for not putting in my normal effort, but I’ll be back next week, working at full strength.

 

And now, let’s watch Brett destroy the Lamp of Rage.

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