Last week – The Purge IV: Carnage in Bachelor Nation, as Nick sends SIX girls home, and then cries like a tween watching Twilight.

I can’t believe Edward thinks that Bella’s dead…it’s so heartbreaking…

We rejoin our ever-hopeful group the next morning, and while the girls are still upset over the previous night, they really don’t want Nick to give up on love.

Whatever, I just found out I’m the next Bachelorette, so you know, if Nick comes back, great; if he doesn’t, great…

By the way, thanks for the spoiler, ABC. You couldn’t wait one more week and announce it after hometowns? Whatever. Chris Harrison gets called in to talk Nick off the ledge, because they can’t start filming Rachel’s season yet and Josh Murray is still in Sayulita, making sweet, sweet love to a pepperoni pizza. Work your magic, Chris.

Nick: I don’t know, Chris. I’ve felt confident before, only to have the rug pulled out from under me.

CH: I know, Nick. I was there. Both times. Are you gonna do this or not? Because if you’re not, I need to bring Josh in.

Nick: I think I’m ready to be vulnerable again, to put myself – wait, Josh is really here? I thought you were just hanging that poster in my room to scare me.

CH – Well, not HERE here, he’s in Mexico. But I can have him on a flight in 30 minutes. He’ll be prepped and dressed by the time the ceremony starts. So what’s it gonna be?

So, with that sword dangling over his head, Nick rejoins the ladies for some early morning damage control. “Sorry about last night. I was scared and I’ve had bad thoughts replaying over and over and over in my head. It’s just that I’ve been confident before and had the rug pulled out from under me…”

We KNOW, Nick…

“Yeah, sorry. What I’m trying to say, is that I’ve been close before, but I really want to go all the way. Which pretty much sums up my college years, now that I think about it…anyway, there is good news! Since I axed girls like Jason Voorhees last week, we’re skipping the Rose Ceremony and going straight to Bimini! Yay!”

I mean, it’s cool and all that we’re not having a Rose Ceremony, but what was he going to do? Send MORE of us home?

You never know, Raven, you never know.

Bimini Doesn’t Suck

Seriously, it’s borderline sadistic to show us these vacations in the middle of winter, and I don’t even live in a cold part of the country. If I was buried in snow right now, I’d want to punch my TV. The plane lands and the first date card comes out: Vanessa, come on down! And Corinne, who has not had a 1-on-1 yet, is not a happy daddy’s girl. Though she does soothe herself with the realization that any relationship with Vanessa can’t really go anywhere.

I think Nick wants to get deeper emotionally with Vanessa, but he wants to get deeper in a much different way with me. Like, to the hilt in platinum…

Vanessa 1-on-1 – Let’s Go Deeper

Boat date! I say it every season, but it bears repeating: If I had a boat, I’d never date on land. Guaranteed action. What I wouldn’t do, however, is talk like Nick and Vanessa.

Nick: Tell me about your feelings.

Vanessa: I felt scared after your 2-on-1.

Nick: I was scared of forcing things.

Vanessa: My walls were up, but you were vulnerable.

Nick: My heart was open to you.

Vanessa: You shed tears of joy.

Nick: I’m acknowledging fears.

Vanessa: There’s no need to be frightened.

Nick: Now I see you. And I don’t want to lose you.

Vanessa: Look, a shipwreck!

My god, do people enjoy talking like this? The last time Lovely Better Half asked me how I was feeling, I was hungover. Mercifully, Nick and Vanessa swim to a shipwreck and maul each other’s faces in snorkel gear, which looks a little awkward.

Give Vanessa her lip back, Nick. ‘Maul’ is just a figure of speech; you’re not supposed to actually eat her face off…

Interlude: Corinne and Rachel Chat

Corinne: Yeah, like I just don’t think there’s any depth to Vanessa. Like, ‘I’m close to my family’ and ‘I’m a special needs nurse’ and ‘I speak three languages’ and there’s just nothing else there.

Rachel: Do you ever take a step back and listen to yourself? I mean really listen to the crap that comes out of your mouth?

Vanessa 1-on-1 – Dinner and Feelings

It’s getting late in the season, hometowns are next week, so it’s time to start expressing your love, people! Vanessa is positive Nick loves her as much as she loves him, so she lets it all out there:

Vanessa: I feel like we have something really special, and I see my future with you. I’m excited about starting our lives together, and I want you to know that I’m falling in love with you, Nick.

Nick: Yeah, so I’ve done this show before, and I found great love on this show. Great love. Like really amazing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. Twice. Man, Andi and Kaitlyn were amazing girls…anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I won’t say ‘I love you’ tonight. But if I say it later, it’ll be better, because it’ll be like the first time. Ok? Great. Let’s get outta here.

Not exactly the response I was hoping for. I’m starting to see why this guy gets dumped a lot…

Group Date – Let’s Jump In With Both Feet First

Corinne, Kristina, & Raven – so still no 1-on-1 date for Corinne, and it’s Week 7.

I think I’m going to throw up…

Another boat date, and Nick’s choice in shorts continues to be strong this season.

“It’s been a cruel (Cruel!) cruel summer…”

Head out to open water and bust out the sunscreen.

Hey! You want to watch me rub all over Kristina? This is fun, right ladies? Yeah! Watch me put my hands between her thighs!

Let’s go swimming with sharks. Without a cage. And they’re not kidding, either; these are some for-real sharks.

No freaking thank you…

Hey man, I like snorkeling and swimming with fish and all that, but sharks and I have come to an understanding: they don’t come into my house, and I don’t go into theirs. Especially when they’re bigger than me. Apparently, Kristina feels the same way, because she bolts after 3 minutes. Not to worry; Nick consoles her with his mouth and everyone is okay. Except for Corinne, who feels like she’s a third wheel (or a nanny, even) on Kristina and Nick’s 1-on-1 date.

I’m king of the world, bitches!

The sun goes down, and let’s take turns sharing our feelings with Nick.

Kristina – Russian Anna Kendrick is coming on strong tonight, and seems to be in the lead for the Group Date Rose. Then she says, “You can’t keep all of us, so you will have to make decision”, which makes Nick cry.

Nick makes this face every single time he drinks. And he drinks all the time. I’m telling you, there’s issues here; run away.

 

Raven: My dad had lung cancer.

Nick: [concerned] Is he okay?

Raven: Oh, he’s in remission now.

Nick: [relieved] Whew! Let’s make out!

I thought that story was going to ruin my action tonight…

 

Corinne: I’m so insecure. Like, I haven’t had a single 1-on-1, and other girls have had two. It’s totally unfair!

Nick: But, I brought you on a 2-on-1 date. That’s almost like a 1-on-1.

Corinne: Yeah…yeah, you know what, you’re right! I feel so much better now! You want to sleep with me?

The Group Date Rose goes to Raven; we’re going to Hoxie, y’all. Nick tells the other girls that he’ll see them at the Rose Ceremony, and Raven and Nick maul each other just out of sight, if not earshot…

No one has better choreography than The Bachelor. They should win awards for shots like this.

…Then, dance on the beach while….some guy…plays guitar. No clue who he was. Does it even matter who the musical guests are at this point?

Danielle 1-on-1 – Let’s Ride Off Into the Sunset Together

Bike ride to the seafood shack. Play basketball with the local kids. Nick dunks over some kid on a 6 foot rim. Let’s chat, shall we?

Nick:

Danielle:

Nick:

Danielle:

Nick: The ocean sure is nice.

Danielle: Is that a shell island?

Off to dinner and the conversation isn’t getting any better. Danielle is the sweetest girl in the world, but Nick is pulling teeth to make any kind of connection. And then she says “The last time I loved someone, he died”, and I have to cut her some slack. I imagine anyone would be a little gun shy after that, especially in an unnatural environment like this. But, however understandable the reasons, the connection still isn’t there, and Nick has to cut Danielle loose. She handles it like a champion and keeps her head up. I don’t think we’ll see Danielle again, but she’ll have suitors when she gets home. No need to worry about her. The girls are shocked, except Corinne, who views this as the perfect opportunity to…

Go to Nick’s Room and Show Him the Platinum!

It’s time to dust off the stripper heels and turn on the sex charm. Corinne catches Nick in the middle of a “little nightcap”.

Corinne: Wow, Nick! How much whiskey is in that glass?

Nick: Yeah, I know it’s a lot. But it’s only my third one, so…

Keep drinking, Nick, because Corinne has a plan. “I know how to make a man feel good. I do it better than anyone else, because my heart is gold…

but my vagine is platinum.

And there it is: the line that gave us a season’s worth of jokes. Everything from here on out feels kind of anticlimactic, no? Nick and Corinne go into the other room for privacy but conveniently leave their mics on. There’s slurping, moaning, rubbing, and then Nick remembers how he blew up Kaitlyn’s season, and how Chris Harrison threatened to cut him off from the franchise forever if he did it again, and he decides to shut their little rendezvous down. Holy crap, did Nick actually do the mature thing? Mind = blown. Corinne leaves, and she’s so distraught that she forgets how automatic doors work.

Runs a multi-million dollar company, yet confounded by doors…

Rachel 1-on-1 – Let’s Get a Taste of the Local Flavor

Nick and Rachel go to a beer-hut by the harbor. Man, I love the Caribbean. No bullshit, you go there and your heart rate drops by 20%. Nick has a lot of questions about Papa Rachel; he is nervous with a capital ‘N’. For the record, I like Rachel a lot. She’s good-looking, funny, smart, chill, has a great laugh – I am very much looking forward to a full season with her at center stage. The date, you ask? Yeah, nothing much happens.

Railing maul…

And Then There Were Four

Nick: Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to you twice in one episode before.

Chris: Well, Nick, this isn’t really how I make my money. The show is more of a side project. Plus, all the travel is good cover for my other…business interests…

Nick knows what he needs to do, and being a glutton for punishment, he wants to do it face-to-face. Kristina, can you step outside for a second?

Nick: I like you a lot, I just feel that I have stronger relationships in the house.

Kristina: But you haven’t given me a chance.

Nick: I know, but I don’t want to drag you through hometown dates if I know now that it’s not there.

Kristina: I feel like there’s so much here, if you just let it –

Nick: Look, you’re too good for me. You need to find a better guy.

And it’s another Nick cry face, making it a hat trick on the night.

I’m bummed. I liked Kristina a lot. Bachelor in Paradise maybe? Crossing my fingers.

And with that, we have our Official Final Four: Corinne, Rachel, Raven, and Vanessa. Checking my ABC Bachelor Fantasy League page, I got 3 out of 4 – I picked Danielle L instead of Raven. And yeah, I play Fantasy Bachelor, so what? I’m currently in 49,770th place. That’s not one of my exaggerated jokes, either; I am literally in 49,770th place. As always, I have no idea what I’m talking about, and don’t understand why people keep reading this stuff. Seriously, I’m not that smart. Next week: how many roses, a mystery guest from Nick’s past, and “I’ve been dumped my entire life.” Wow, that’s a depressing thing to say about yourself. See you then my friends…

 

And now, Corinne passes out by the cheese plate while Raven and Kristina play catch.

I miss her already…