It’s a Two-Night Bachelorette Event, my friends! And with it comes some good news and bad news. The good: It’s two whole nights! Back-to-back! Filled with more tummy-tickling drama than even Jonathon’s creepily dexterous fingers can handle. The bad news: these two-night episodes usually signal peak conflict for the season. The main instigator goes home, and everyone else settles into post-Chad/Olivia/Kelsey life, focusing on “strengthening their connection” with the Bachelor/ette. Great for finding love and all, but not a lot of entertaining commotion. The one exception was when Nick played the villain, and The Producers let the tension build all season before mercilessly beating him down with a second place finish. But hey, guys like Nick only come around once in a lifetime. Or twice. Ok, four times.

Two hands up for two nights! Yay!

Tonight the gloves come off! The big showdown between Kenny and Lee continues in Hilton Head, where Will accurately sums up every guy’s attitude towards a fight:

Hey, if Kenny and Lee want to go after each other, I’m not getting involved. That being said, I AM gonna watch it…

Yep, pretty much. Kenny tries to talk, Lee tries to poke him and argue, and I’m really conflicted. You see, I like Kenny, and I really want him to stick around. But I also want Kenny to pick Lee up, spin him around on his finger, break him over his knee and toss his limp body over the balcony. That’d be fun to watch. But then Kenny would get sent home or sued or something equally sad; so by some miracle he keeps his cool and walks away. And Lee is allowed to continue breathing without life support. For now.

Of course, while Kenny and Lee are arguing over who hates who more, Bryan sails away with Rachel’s heart on the SS Peligro de Amor.

If I could just figure out how to untie these ropes, I could turn this crappy group date into the best 1-on-1 ever…

Bryan wrote some notes on the plane, which basically boil down to “I’m not too good to be true, YOU are. Let’s make out.” Rachel still isn’t convinced she can trust him, so just to make sure he’s being sincere, she eats his face.

Let my lips fill your sails, and together we shall cross an ocean of passion…

Group Date Rose to Bryan, and Kenny takes a moment to tell Bryan he’s a good guy, and not a little bitch like Lee. Not subtle and pretty much verbatim, and he doesn’t stop there.

I feel sorry for Lee’s parents. His dad must be embarrassed. Or maybe he thought ‘Nah, I’m fine with my son being a little bitch’ and just sent him out into the world like that so someone else could whip his ass. I don’t know.

Then Kenny ends the group date by spending 38 minutes challenging Lee’s manhood in front of the entire group. Holy crap, a lot happened before the first commercial break; I don’t think I can recap two nights of this.

Jack Stone! 1-on-1 – Did He Even Get a Date Card Last Week?

Bet you forgot about Jack Stone!’s date. I think Rachel forgot about it, too. Though, to be fair, everything’s a little fuzzy after her steamy cruise on the Barca del Pasion with Bryan. But she’s really excited (really!) to spend the day with Jack Stone! because they have so much in common. They’re both attorneys, they’re both the same age, they’re both from Dallas. On paper, they should be perfect together!

Yeah….but life ain’t lived on paper, is it…

She looks interested. WOW. And Jack Stone! couldn’t be more awkward if he tried. “You’re so pretty and all of my eyes were on you.” Dude, what are you saying? And what’s up with these looks?

I’m not an actual serial killer, but I did stay at a Hilton Head Express last night…

Rachel’s getting creeped out. When he tries to kiss her and she says “Umm, I’m sick”, I was cringing. Rachel was in a yacht harbor sticking her entire face in Bryan’s mouth last night, but yeah, she’s too sick for a platonic peck on the lips today. Time to pull the cord, Jack Stone!; you’re about to hit the ground. Alas, he forges on.

Jack Stone!: If we were in Dallas, I would lock you in my bedroom…

Rachel: That…doesn’t sound good to me.

Jack Stone!: …and just chillllll.

Rachel: You know, there are like 15 qualities I’m looking for in a guy, and you have none of them. Literally not a one.

Jack Stone!: Today was so great.

Rachel: I’m not feeling this at all.

Jack Stone!:  I could spend the rest of my life with you.

Rachel: I’m not giving you a rose tonight, Jack.

Jack Stone!: We have so much in common.

Rachel: You need to go home. NOW.

And that’s it for Jack Stone!, Super Attorney and One Man Justice Machine. Crazy. I actually picked him to go pretty far this season and he turned into a total train wreck. I guess Jack Stone! is destined to walk the earth alone, fighting evil wherever it may lie, bringing justice to the innocent and wronged, but never able to find peace within his own heart. Fair winds, Jack Stone!, fair winds indeed…

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

Rachel says sending Jack Stone! home put things in perspective. Basically, no more toolboxes with zero personality, and she doesn’t need a cocktail party to figure out who’s who. This guy’s worried:

And he should be because I didn’t know his name until they put up the chyron. And admit it – neither did you. Alright, line ’em up. “You’ve all made a lasting impression and blah blah blah…”

Staying

Dean and Bryan have Roses

Eric

Peter

Adam – “She’s had a snack of Adam. I want to give her the full kitchen.” Ok.

Will

Matt – Still here? Well, he’s gone next week

Alex – Da

Josiah

Anthony

Kenny

Lee

And boy, does Rachel look thrilled to give a Rose to Lee. You think The Producers – sorta, kinda, maybe – just might have forced her to pick Lee for one more week?

This was YOUR decision. YOU do the talking…

I hesitate to say this, but Chris Harrison actually looks a little nervous here. Leaving us forever are Jonathon (who sneaks in one last tickle/fondle/technical grounds for restraining order) and Iggy (who looks like he’s crying at first, and then I realize he’s just sweating out of his eyes).

Off to Norway! And Bryan‘s 1-on-1 Date!

The boys land in Oslo with same stock footage of the same Gulfstream landing at the same airport as last week. Think I’m kidding? Well, you’ll have to check the tape yourself; I was too lazy to get a picture. Dean shows up dressed in the latest Homeless Chic.

Did you roll a bum, Dean? That’s just great. You leave the country and the first thing you do is mug the ONE homeless person in Norway and steal his sweatshirt. Way to give American tourists a bad name.

The first 1-on-1 date starts right now, and you’re up, Bryan! They go to the top of a ski jump tower and rappel down. Cue the inevitable “rappelling is just like a relationship” analogies.

Rachel: I think facing our fears together prepares us for balancing the family budget!

Bryan: This rope is like your love holding me in the air!

A little bit of making out, and this date is pretty much the polar opposite of Jack Stone!’s date, but Rachel is still having trouble believing Bryan is legit. It’s all too good to be true. He’s handsome, sincere, educated, successful….and he looks just like an ex-boyfriend that cheated on her? That’s all I got, because I can’t think of another reason why she’s so unsure of this guy.

Let’s have dinner, and Rachel’s biggest fear is that she’ll open herself up and it won’t be reciprocated, which only every single Bachelor/ette says every single season. Lovely Better Half is calling Bryan the winner right now, and I’m inclined to agree after that statement.

Rachel: I used to be awkward when I was younger.

Bryan: I used to be awkward, too!

Rachel: No you weren’t!

Bryan: You’re right, I wasn’t. I was just trying to make you feel better. But I do want you to know that I’m starting to fall in love with you.

Rachel: Eh, I’m not really feeling it. You’re a nice guy and all, but the connection just isn’t there. I can’t give you a Rose tonight.

Kidding. A Rose for Bryan, and Rachel mauls him like a starving circus lion.

Group Date – I’m Looking For a Guy Who’s Good With His Hands

Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, and Josiah. The boys are playing handball, which is apparently huge in Europe, and Coach Tom isn’t messing around.

Handball is not a game! It is combat! You must dominate your opponent’s mind and his body! You must bend him to your will with nothing but your hands and a ball! It is love and it is war! It is life and it is death! Now don the spandex of battle!

Coach Tom wasn’t kidding about the uniforms, either. These are NOT the same outfits the Norwegians were wearing:

Nice cup, Dean. How is this not brought up even once during the game?

Much running and throwing ensues, then Will turns into the Michael Jordan of handball and scores a million unanswered points. Red team (including Dean’s external athletic supporter – advertising space available!) wins by a lot to a little.

And it’s nighttime. Will gets a victory maul. Alex gets a poem maul. Eric gets a hug. Josiah… um, he comes on a little strong and sounds pretty weird, if I’m honest. “You’re beauty radiates from your core. I will marry you. It is my destiny.”

You sound a lot like Jack Stone! right now, and things didn’t end well for him…

But, the big winner tonight is Peter, who goes from stargazing on the balcony one moment to this the very next:

Wait, what? How did we get in here?

Seriously, Peter and Rachel were standing on a balcony, adorned in full formalwear. And then he snaps his fingers, and they’re half naked in a hot tub with a bottle of champagne. This guy’s Houdini. Alas, the Group Date Rose goes to Will, and Peter is worried he didn’t make enough of an impression tonight. Dude, the only way you could make a bigger impression is if you got Rachel pregnant. Trust me, you’re not going anywhere.

Kenny vs Lee 2-on-1 – Your Fate is Up in the Air

Look, I don’t know who Lee is or what he thinks, so I won’t label him. But we do see Will try to talk about the situation in a patient and reasonable way with Lee. Will explains that, for a black man, words like ‘aggressive’ can sound racially charged, and it can be frustrating when someone uses that label. And we see Lee flippantly dismiss that as ‘playing the race card’. If nothing else, we at least know that Lee has no desire to even attempt to see things from another person’s perspective. So, while we don’t truly know what goes on inside Lee’s mind, he very much strikes me as the kind of guy that says shit like “the civil war was about states’ rights” and “why can’t we have a white history month, too?” He’s argumentative and tone deaf – at a bare minimum – and this show probably isn’t the platform for him to find everlasting love.

Nevertheless, he’s here for now, so let’s see how Kenny and Lee and Rachel all do together, shall we? First, a helicopter ride to the Norwegian wilderness…

…because, as we all know, when you leave someone behind on a 2-on-1 date, it has to be as far from civilization as possible. Some cocktails by the lake, and the boys take turns talking with Rachel.

Kenny + Rachel – “I love my daughter and I think a lot about who I want in our lives as a role model (good start). I think that woman could be you. (Great so far, just don’t bring up Lee). But there’s been something on my mind (don’t do it…) about the last two weeks (oh no, don’t do it…) and it’s about Lee (arrrghh!).” Regardless, Rachel is glad Kenny cleared the air and feels like she can trust him. Back to the lake, where he and Lee sit in uncomfortable silence while Rachel pees in the woods.

She sure has been gone a long time…

Lee + Rachel – “Kenny is really aggressive sometimes. And violent. But don’t worry, it’s only when he drinks. He told me had a dark side. This violent, uncontrollable, rage inside him. And when he drinks, he just explodes, man. Like the one time, when he violently ripped me out of the van. It was really intimidating. But I don’t want to talk about Kenny.”

That’s pretty much everyone’s face right now…

Kenny + Rachel Part II –

Rachel: I want you to know that Lee just said a bunch of fucked up shit about you.

Kenny: He’s lying! I’m not about violence!

Rachel: I know that. You’re a sweet guy. But what I’m saying is that today, just this one time, I’m completely cool with you getting violent. Wink, wink.

TO. BE. CONTINUED. Tomorrow, Kenny and Lee settle the score and Rachel is feeling vulnerable. How are The Producers milking another two hours out of this? Must be one helluva fight. See you then, my friends.

 

And now, Alex wants his leotard to be a little bit tighter. Like a second skin.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say Thank You, Mike Fleiss, for creating it…