Bachelor in Paradise wasn’t the only game to shut production down, my friends. I’ve been AWOL for the past 4 weeks and HOLY COW did I miss a grade-A, monumental, reality-style train wreck. But, like Chris Harrison emerging from a legal fallout shelter of Independent Investigations and Liability Waivers, I’m back, eyes bloodshot from a Bachelorette/Paradise marathon and ready to type until my fingers fall off. And anyone that actually makes it to the end of this post gets a free “I Dated Juan Pablo and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt” t-shirt. (Obviously kidding. This doesn’t pay and I can’t send free swag to everyone. That would be a pretty funny t-shirt, though…)

Speaking of Juan Pablo

He’s alive?

I never thought we’d see him again, but apparently Chris Harrison decided that Juan Pablo has served his penance for disrespecting Bachelor Nation, and reanimated him just in time to marry Venezuelan model Osmariel Villalobos. As shocking as the wedding news is, however, it pales in comparison to a social media beef gone wild, when Osmariel was confronted by fellow model and sworn Twitter enemy Dios Canales at the gym. A catfight ensued, and Osmariel was left with a strained neck, dislocated thumb, and bite marks all over her legs. What the hell is going on in Realityville? You just want to hit the stationary bike for 20 minutes, and it turns into a zombie apocalypse. I’ll happily stay anonymous, thank you very much. BTW, you think I’m kidding about this? Google it, 100% true.

Whatever – congrats to Juan Pablo on finding love. Just don’t let any cannibal models eat your wife.

The Men Tell All

Also known as The Boys Try to Open Lee’s Eyes To The Larger World, because that was pretty much the entire episode. A noble and gracious effort by Kenny, Will, Anthony, Dean, et al, but the only person that can change someone’s mind is themselves, so who knows if anything was accomplished. Whatever. I still put this whole Kenny vs Lee fiasco squarely on The Producer’s shoulders. Cast members are vetted six ways ’til Sunday, and you’ll never convince me that they didn’t look through Lee’s twitter feed before the show started. It’s not like you need a congressional subpoena to get access. It’s all out there; an unpaid intern and any cell phone made in the past 9 years will do. “Hey, you! Whatever your name is! Go bring us a gallon of coffee and a dozen avocado toasts, and look through this guy’s twitter account while you’re waiting. If you see anything stupid let us know. And don’t come back with fucking decaf this time!” See? It’s easy.

The Bachelorette Finale

One thing I learned from being out of town for The Finale: you don’t need to watch the show to find out everything that happens. Twitter’s pretty efficient at telling you everything in real time and without commercial breaks. It’s also a pretty good way to gauge public sentiment, and from what I saw, people were not happy, the general consensus being Rachel traded love for the guaranteed ring. I don’t know – didn’t we all figure out weeks ago that she was choosing Bryan? She looked broken up when Peter left, sure, but Bryan was always The One.

Another thing: the couch time in the live studio is usually a conciliatory affair – I really cared about you, feelings were just stronger for someone else, wish you the best, etc. This was not that. Rachel was pissed, she was bitter, and it was not a good look. She threw Peter under the bus by saying – multiple times – that he needs to move slower in a relationship and that this process isn’t for him and he shouldn’t be on shows like this.

Peter: Umm, you know I’m trying to be the next Bachelor, right?

Rachel: Oh yes, Peter. I very much know you want to be the Bachelor, and I’m going to say everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. Now where was I? Oh yeah – THIS PROCESS ISN’T FOR YOU. Does anyone at home need to hear it again?

I mean, that’s a little petty, right? I don’t for one second think Rachel was ever going to choose Peter. And she wasn’t pissed that he “wouldn’t commit to the relationship”, she was pissed he took her choice away. “I’m the Bachelorette, and they don’t leave me, I send them home, and on the last episode, I break one guy’s heart and the other one takes a knee!” By going home early, Peter killed the suspense. He took away Rachel’s complete, 360 degree Bachelorette experience and that drives her nuts.

Rachel has always said she can be a lot to handle, and I think we saw that during the live show. She can get vindictive if she feels wronged. There was a flash of that with DeMario, but I didn’t think about it because DeMario was lying and he deserved it. But Peter didn’t deserve it. He was honest about what he was capable of giving and open about where the relationship was headed. He did everything right, and Rachel hammered him. She says she needs a strong, independent man, but she also seems like the type that needs to get her way, all the time. Newsflash: strong, independent men won’t let you get your way all the time. That’s why they’re strong and independent. I always hope for the best for people, but the realist in me predicts rocky times ahead for Rachel and Bryan. (Lovely Better Half is smiling at me right now, because – you guessed it – she gets her way all the time. Either my theory is wrong, or I’m not that strong. I’ll chalk it up to just wanting her to be happy…)

Bachelor in Paradise

I’ve watched 4 episodes in a row, and my main takeaway? Iggy is far too sweaty to be in Sayulita. He needs to be on a Bachelor in Paradise Special Event: Christmas in Fargo. Iggy spends more time wiping his forehead than my son does picking his nose (and let me tell ya, when a 3 year old boy figures out his finger fits inside his nose, it is GAME. ON.) Other takeaways? Man, there’s still a long way to go, and I haven’t even started yet…let’s hit it:

Almost Paradise!

We nearly shut down Season 4!

We sought legal advice!

Showed Corinne and DeMario the door!

The producer who filed complaints was put on ice…

Sorry, Mike Fleiss!

Alexis

Can we start things off with a round of applause for Dolphin girl? Alexis is every girl I hung out with in my 20’s. Maybe you hook up, maybe you don’t, and it doesn’t matter because she’s just a cool girl to get drinks with. Everybody loves her; even Lovely Better Half wants to sleep with her. I noticed something weird, though. See how The Producers blurred out her chest during the first episode?

Now, check out the same scene from the preview during Men Tell All:

Why? Was that the final conclusion of the Warner Brothers investigation? That Alexis’s cleavage was the cause of all the problems, and shall forever be banished from future airings? This just shows that the use of the blur function is arbitrary and means nothing and I think Jillian from Farmer Chris’s season got a bad rap. I also think Alexis and Vinny would’ve been the greatest couple in history, but for unknown reasons it didn’t work out. I don’t know if Alexis finds love. Honestly, I don’t know if she cares, and it’s working for her. You know who it’s not working for?

Lacey

Is that an inside joke? I really hope it’s got nothing to do with the camel…

And the award for Most Insecure BinP Contestant goes to…Lacey! Lacey is the girl that shows up to Spring Break with a stack of bridal magazines and wonders why no guys are talking to her. Relax, have a tequila shot, go for a swim. Alas, she cries “woe is me” and spends her days longing for a date card, which eventually comes, adorned with the promise of romance with Diggy on one of Jorge’s Torges. A tour on horseback to a private beach, where Jorge shares the romantic history of the area.

And how can that NOT put you in the mood for a little maul session?

Now, that’s gonna be a great Yelp review…

At last, life is worth living again! Nothing can ruin paradise for Lacey!

Except for Dominique from Nick’s season, the Los Angeles restaurant server who wants to eat Chipotle burritos with Jesus and Leo DiCaprio…

And suddenly, normally quiet and reserved Diggy has perked WAY up. Dominique invites him on her date, there’s a hot tub, and the results are predictable.

Hmm…Diggy is diggin’ some Dom…

And for some reason it’s all Taylor’s fault, because that makes sense in Lacey’s world. Whatever. You know, Alexis is in the exact same boat as Lacey. She’s been in the friend-zone since she first stumbled into Paradise with a bottle of aspirin in one hand and a half-finished pitcher of margarita in the other. And you don’t see Alexis crying about it.

Of course, insecurity isn’t the only reason the guys aren’t talking to Lacey. Or Alexis. Or Danielle M. Or Amanda. Or any other girl here, because…

Bromances

Personally, I think this is a great group of girls this year. They’re all cute and fun and cool, they’re wearing bikinis and looking for love, there’s an open bar – you should have no problems meeting a girl here. And when Adam shows up, he looks a little confused at being the only guy at the bar with the women.

Adam: So…where are the rest of the guys?

Girls: Honestly, Adam, we have no idea…

You know where they are? They’re hanging out in the water, jumping into each other’s arms, carrying rocks around on the beach, eating food out of each other’s mouths (wtf was that?) – it’s a full on bro-fest. And is it any wonder why? It’s like 8 guys from Rachel’s season and Ben Z. For the past 6 weeks, these guys have hung out in a hotel room together, unable to talk to a woman without written permission from Chris Harrison. Do they even remember how to approach a lady? Obviously not, so they hang out with each other and tell shitty jokes.

Dean: What’s the biggest realization when you go on a date? SHE’S DUMB!

Iggy: Hahahaha! That’s so funny, bro! Cuz chicks are dumb! Right?!

Seriously – was that even funny? It’s early in the season, but I don’t think Dean-o is doing his image any favors so far. Speaking of…

Dean & Kristina & Danielle L

I called it last season: Dean should go to Paradise, hook up with Kristina and they can make beautiful babies together. And they hit it off right away, even taking a vacation together during the break, which I didn’t even think was allowed. Romance and babies should be on the way then, right? And for shits and giggles, I found one of those online face merging things, and morphed Dave Franco and Anna Kendrick. The results were, ummm, eye-opening:

More like pitch IMperfect…

Wow. So, maybe it’s a good thing that the hot and heavy romance started to fizzle upon their return to Paradise. Outtanowhere, Dean stopped talking, closed himself off, started sleeping funny:

You didn’t drink last night, did ya Dean?

And then Danielle L shows up, causing the guys to make faces like this…

…which I don’t get. I think Kristina is a 100 times cuter than Danielle, but hey, you go your way, I go mine. Danielle asks Dean out for her date, and here’s the recap:

Dean: You’re the only one I remember from Nick’s season, so….

Danielle: Wow! Really?

Dean: I thought you were cute. Whatever…

Danielle: Me too, but about you, soo….

Dean: Totally.

Danielle: Your family is SUPER emotional, so…

Dean: I know, right? Whatever. Does that sound stupid?

Danielle: Not at all, we’re, like, totes the same.

Dean: Should we make out now?

Danielle: Whatever…

Dean: Whatever…

Mind blowing stuff. Kristina is understandably pissed, but Dean pinky swears that he’ll always be honest with her about making out with other girls. Great, Dean, thanks. Or, as Alexis so eloquently puts it: “Dean is a dick. I want to slap him. GTFOH you little dick bitch.” (Ahhh, Alexis…) My theory: The Producers approached him during the break about potentially being the next Bachelor. He takes a week-long road trip with Kristina, and all of a sudden he just stops talking to her? This has shades of Nick Viall at the end of BinP3. Plus, Dean is 26 years old – not exactly prime commitment age for a single young man. You know who isn’t afraid of commitment, however?

Ben Z & His Dog

Every conversation Ben Z has with a girl:

Ben: I have this dog. She’s a rottweiler, and she’s amazing. She’s only 8 months old, but honestly, I think she’s the best trained 8 month old dog in the world. Do you have a dog? Because, if you did, we could walk our dogs together. That would be awesome, because my dog loves other dogs. I mean, she’s a people-dog, too. Sometimes she climbs up on the couch and lays in my lap, it’s so cute. You like to travel? Because I don’t like to travel very far. Just like, day trips and stuff, you know, anywhere I can bring my dog because she’s so amazing and I miss her so much and I need to Facetime with her before I start crying…

Every Girl: That’s nice. I’m going to talk to Adam now. Ask him about his doll. Because that creeps me out way less than you and your dog.

Taylor & Derrick

Just when I thought psychotic, pretentious Taylor couldn’t get more annoying, we find out she doesn’t drink. Not a single drop. She sounds like a barrel full of monkeys, huh? When she’s done questioning your emotional intelligence, she can stage an intervention because you’re on your third glass of wine. “I don’t care if it is Friday night, you’re hurting the people that care about you!” Good times, Derrick; enjoy yourself. I’m gonna hang out at the bar with Alexis and have Jorge poor us a couple drinks…

Wait – Jorge’s Gone? What?!

Aren’t you a DJ? No offense, bro, but I don’t ask my bartenders to play music, so I don’t need you mixing my drinks…

Look, I have no problem with Wells, and I certainly can’t knock Jorge for doing his own thing, but COME ON, MAN! It’s just not the same without Jorge behind the bar. Do you think Jorge and Chris Harrison hugged it out, or is it like a Fredo Corleone moment, and Harrison feels betrayed, vowing never to speak to Jorge again. Man, I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall for their last night out on the town. Ride, caballeros, ride…

A little romantic tension develops between Wells and Danielle M (which drives me nuts. Stick to the drinks, Wells, and stop romancing the guests. C’mon – be professional!). Alas, Wells and Danielle are nothing more than passing ships in the night, and Danielle M leaves early to help little kids in Kenya? Is that right? Hey, no shade, she’s a better person than me, it just seems like a weird backup plan. Like, “If Bachelor in Paradise doesn’t work out, I’m gonna find a cure for cancer.” Does that make sense? The people who do that kind of stuff, it’s not usually conditional on whether they get sent home from their reality TV show. They just go do it. Like I said, good for her; someone has to make a world a better place, and not everyone on this show is doing it. I smell a segue…

Raven & Robbie & Adam & Sarah & Everyone Else

Raven is the hot commodity so far this season. Unfortunately, none of the guys are really, as Alexis puts it, making her vagina dance (ahhh, Alexis). She gives Robby a shot, even mauls him a little, but he “turns out to be who [she] thought he was…”

You mean this guy?

Social media influencer? Color me un-influenced. What a toolbox. Raven gives Ben Z a chance, but what girl wants to play second fiddle to a dog. Finally, Adam comes around, and some tingly-feels bubble to the surface. Of course, Adam has one major problem that Raven can’t get past:

Hi, I’m Sarah! A few months ago, Raven and I went home with Adam, I stole him out from under her then, and I’m gonna do the same thing now…

Which is pretty much what happens. Adam and Sarah go on a date, they’re talking, they’re vibing, they’re dancing, and they’re mauling. Sarah calls it a “Nicholas Sparks book with guacamole.” Adam calls her Rachel. Wow. Too much romance for one man to handle. Lacking in the romance department, however, is….

Alex

“Hey, Amanda, do you think I can have your rose?”; “Uhh, no.”

“Hey, Lacey, do you think I can have your rose?”; “Uhh, no.”

“Hey, Danielle M, do you think I can have your rose?”; “Uhh, no.”

“Hey, Raven, do you think I can have your rose?”; “Uhh, no.”

“Hey, Alexis, do you think I can have your rose?”; “Uhh, no.” (Would their couple name be Alexilexis? Man, that’s a stupid joke. I should probably take that out.)

Vinny and the Seatbelt

Seriously, why didn’t it work between him and Alexis? This bothers me, A LOT…

DeMario & Corinne & The Anonymous Third Party

Alright, I’ve been avoiding this subject for a while. I didn’t write about it when it happened, I didn’t write about it when people made public statements or when rumors were floating around. This is one of those situations where nothing is gained by rushing to conclusions, because nobody knows what happened until everything comes out. But I had my theories, and they mostly revolve around comparisons to past contestant behavior. As an example, let’s take a trip through the way-back machine, and revisit what I wrote about Chad and Lace during Week 1 of BinP3:

And then [Chad and Lace] embark on an epic night of kissing and fighting and yelling and laughing and mauling and pinching and slapping and fighting and kissing and humping and shaking and grabbing and falling and flirting and screaming and name-calling and making out and fighting and grinding. And then, out of the blue, Lace orders her very first water of the day, has a brief moment of clarity, and realizes Chad has been verbally abusing her for the past couple hours. And now that familiar feeling of shame is creeping back into Lace’s mind, and she decides to cut things off for the night. Shockingly, Chad is too drunk and geeked-up to take ‘no’ for an answer.

 

Chad and Lace was far and away the drunkest hook up I’ve seen on this show. He was verbally abusive and borderline physically abusive. If I remember correctly, Canadian Daniel had to intervene at one point, and yet, the cameras kept rolling and no formal complaints were filed. Now, no one’s seen the full video of DeMario and Corinne, but I find it hard to believe that something happened that went way beyond what Chad did to Lace, and yet no one felt the need to get involved at the time that Demario and Corinne were fooling around. That strikes me as odd.

The fact that the entire cast was standing firmly behind DeMario speaks volumes. Out of the 15+ people that were there, not a single person was remotely concerned about what happened. Hell with it, you look at Corinne and DeMario the next day and it was just another day at the beach. Literally, no one was giving their hook up a second thought. And then we find out the complaint was filed by a “third party”. That also strikes me as odd.

I always hesitate to throw race around where it doesn’t apply, because I think it detracts from the argument against legitimate forms of racism in America. But Chris Harrison flat out asks everyone if they think race played a part in how this incident was perceived. The room went real quiet and Diggy’s expression says everything:

Don’t make the brother say it first. Come on, white people, it’s your turn to stand up…

And they called it out. Raven, Matt, Derrick, Dean, everyone. And while racism isn’t a quantifiable thing, you can’t see in someone’s heart and truly know their motivations, you can look at comparable events. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl on this show treated as poorly as Chad treated Lace. And whatever DeMario might have been guilty of, Chad was 10,000 times worse. So, tell me: what’s the difference between Chad and DeMario?

DeMario spoke his piece last night. Corinne talks next week, so there’s more information to come. Chris Harrison said, “Hopefully [Corinne] will be as open and candid and honest as you.” I thought that was an interesting way to phrase things. I sympathize with both of their public tribulations, and commend them for facing the issue on air. But, at the end of the night, I’m left with one question:

Why isn’t the Producer that filed the complaint being interviewed?

Why do we not know their name? Why are they not giving their version of events, and explaining the decision making that led to a formal complaint being filed? Why is DeMario forced to publicly defend his name while the “Anonymous Third Party” remains safely anonymous? When everyone else has had the courage to step up, why hasn’t the person who actually filed the complaint been heard? Clearly, they felt strongly enough about it at the time, so why are they silent now?

Because that’s who I want to hear from. I want to know what they saw that no one else did. I want to know why they were so disturbed by something that no one else gave a second thought to. I want to know their motivation. Otherwise, this whole discussion is pointless, and it’s bullshit that they’re getting off scot free.

Oh Yeah, Evan and Carly Got Married

Yay.

And that’s it folks. This was a long one, but that’s what happens when I disappear for a month. Damn, life moves fast; that was a lot of crap to write about. Did anyone read all the way through? Anyone? Even though Jorge’s retirement was a gut punch, I’m still committed and the regular format returns next week. I’m pumped for some drama en paradiso…see you then my friends…

 

And now, the girls discuss ‘hooking up’ versus ‘sex’. Or as Raven calls it, ‘getting some stank on your hangdown.’ Okay, literally, like WTF…