Tonight, On Bachelor in Paradise! Dean is playin’! Adam is playin’! Matt is…not stayin’? Taylor is dusting off her copy of Conflict Resolution for Emotionally Aware Couples: Avoiding Trigger Words, Volume 6. And now there’s a virgin in Paradise? What is the point of THAT? Whatever, just don’t ask Jasmine about it.

Almost paradise!

Dean is passed out on the floor!

Adam wants to hook up twice!

And Matt doesn’t care anymore!

Derek looks like a deer caught staring in the lights…

Wells needs more ice!

The guys have the power this week, which means EVERYTHING IS CHANGING! Not really, I just wanted to say that. But first, it’s game time with Alexis and Jack Stone!:

“Or as Alexis calls it, what’s in  your mouth.”

Not just Alexis, Raven, but pretty much everyone besides you. Alexis takes turns shoving nasty stuff into Jack Stone!’s mouth, and he plays along because he’s an idiot who doesn’t realize that he’s handing out a rose this week and he doesn’t need to do this crap. Let’s see how Jack Stone! does:

Papaya – Correct!

Jalapeño – Correct!

Candy with hot sauce – Miss!

Alexis’s nipple with hot sauce – nah, just kidding…

Seriously, a dead crab and no one’s intervening here? These people really don’t like Jack Stone!…

In other happenings, Matt is getting pretty fed up with Alexis:

Alexis: What are thinking about?! I’m gonna CHOKE you!

Matt: Dude, I’m thinking I just want to take a nap…

Side note: is Wells doing commentary for the entire episode? It’s starting to annoy me. He should stick to the drinks. Jasmine feels great about where she is with Matt, even if he has developed an eye twitch and a debilitating case of insomnia. But, as we all know, anyone can come into Paradise at any time, even someone who has no chance at all of sleeping with your man.

Jesus bought me a new set of boobs, and I’m here to share the good lord’s bounty, if you catch my meaning…

Another girl from Nick’s season, by the way. Are we witnessing a changing of the guard in Bachelor Land? Has the Ticking Clock of Reality Fame finally expired on the older contestants? Don’t tell me they’ve all actually found someone. Anyway, Christen and her Two New Best Friends do a little round of speed dating. Ben Z clearly isn’t interested, because he doesn’t mention his dog once. Jack Stone! is crazy interested because he stares at Christen like a psychopath. Unfortunately for him, Matt interrupts and tells Christen, “Hey, I know everyone’s telling you I’m off limits, but I’m not, and I need to talk to a girl that’s not Jasmine – literally any girl at all – because Jasmine’s slapping me about the head and shoulders all fricking day, and I FLINCH EVERY SINGLE TIME HER HAND MOVES!” So, Matt it is…

Bear in mind as we move forward, Jasmine and Christen are going to spend the rest of the episode arguing over a guy who’s profession is listed as ‘penguin’.

Out of some compulsion to do the right thing, Matt girds his loins and tells Jasmine he’s going on a date with Christen.

Matt: Are you cool with this?

Jasmine: Yeah! Sure Matt! No problem at all!! Hey, Wells, CAN I HAVE A DRINK?

Am I doing this right? Is this meddling? Muddling? What does it even do?

But, at least Jasmine is handling it like a pro. Oh wait, no she’s not. She whips herself into a frenzy that would make the Tasmanian Devil proud and confronts Christen while she’s brushing her teeth, and Christen’s so freaked out she forgets to rinse her mouth.

I got to admit, Christen trying to talk without spewing toothpaste and spit all over the room was pretty entertaining…

And now Christen is public enemy #1, but hey, it’s not like Jasmine cares or anything…

Matt & Christen & Jasmine & Scallop Fingers

Our skittish new couple runs away from Jasmine and into the comforting embrace of Sayulita, and they order a choco banana, which, much to Matt’s chagrin, is the only banana Christen will be eating today. Thank you, I’m here all week. A few drinks, an ocean swim, and mauling ensues. Back to the compound and Alexis tells her scallop fingers story, and I don’t know if it’s embellished and I don’t care: eating scallops in a car full of people with your bare hands is freaking weird, and Christen has earned the nickname “scallop fingers”. As for Jasmine, no matter how many times she says she’s not threatened by Christen, I just can’t seem to buy it. Maybe because it’s 10 o’clock at night and she’s still babbling a constant stream of consciousness about Christen and Matt.

Hey, remember 8 hours ago, when you said you weren’t going to talk about it anymore? Because we do….

Matt and Christen return and the air is thick with tension, as Wells so cleverly explains with the use of puppets.

Seriously…the whole episode?

Robby & Amanda

Robby: I wanted to do something special for you, so I threw a bunch of glow sticks into the pool.

Amanda: Wow! Where did you get them?

Robby: I brought them here with me. Pretty much all I travel with is glow sticks, speedos, and hair gel. Anyway, I want you to know that I care about you and there’s no place on earth I’d rather be than right here…right now…with you.

Amanda: That’s so sweet! You want to go back and play Scattergories with everyone?

Robby: Did you hear what I just said?

Amanda: Yup.

Robby: Umm, ok, sure…Scattergories sounds cool…

Derek & Taylor – This is why you don’t date therapists, Derek

Hey, I got a great idea! We’ve been hanging out together for a whole three days now, so instead of getting drinks and playing on the beach and getting naked and just generally chilling and having fun, why don’t we spend the night airing our emotional baggage in a clinical and constructive way! That doesn’t sound tedious at all, right? Let me guess, Taylor: you want to go first!

Taylor: During times of conflict, Derek, I feel that you withdraw and close the lines of healthy communication that are necessary to alleviate the emotional friction that divides us. And those are qualities that I’m not looking for in a life partner.

Derek: Fuck you.

Taylor: Okay. I’m feeling very triggered now. I need 10 minutes to process my emotions, and then we can resume our session.

Derek: What? I thought you wanted me to communicate?

Derek apologizes, says he was making a sarcastic joke, but it’s too late; Taylor is in full-on therapist mode. Granted, it was a stupid joke and ill-timed, but he didn’t mean anything by it and she’s blowing this way out of proportion. Taylor says, “I need time by myself to see what this looks like going forward”, and now Derek looks exactly like me when I was dating that therapist way back in the pre-LBH days:

Is every conversation going to be like this?

Yes, Derek, every single conversation will be exactly like this. And it’s never going to get any easier. Dude, I warned you; run away while you still can.

Rose Ceremony

We see Diggy and Dominique for the first time tonight…

…which means they must be completely normal and getting along fine. And Chris Harrison makes a contractually obligated appearance! How are you, Chris?

Chris: Me? Oh, I’m great! Just…fucking great! Jorge’s gone, I’m stuck here with Wells, I feel like life has lost all meaning. But ya know, beyond that, I’m JUST FUCKING PEACHY! Thanks for asking, Dom, but maybe you should worry more about getting a rose than how I’m coping with life after Jorge!

Dominique: I was just making conversation, Chris. Umm, wow…

Adam & Sarah & Raven – Both of these girls are cool and super-cute, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why they’re fighting over Adam. He’s talking about being in a pickle and stepping on toes – dude, flip a coin and commit to someone before these girls wake up and send you home in the next round.

Diggy & Lacey & Dominique – Lacey is very concerned, and she should be. Especially after mercilessly berating Diggy when he’s the one handing out a rose this week.

Yeah, I hear y-…ok, I-….uh-huh…ummm..ok, but-…excu-…excuse me-….ummm…ok…I’mGivingMyRoseToDominiqueOKBye…

Dean & Kristina & Danielle L – Dean is stringing these girls along. He’s saying a bunch of words without expressing any actual thoughts, he’s being committal but noncommittal, playing them both off each other. In other words, Dean is dirtbag. Sorry, that’s not right. He’s an evasive and duplicitous dirtbag. He can’t even be fake sincere. If Dean didn’t look the way he looks, he’d still be a virgin, because frankly he’s a dick. Maybe it’s just me, but he has not helped his cause to be the next Bachelor.

Robby & Amanda – There’s something up with Robby. The guy’s built like a greek god and girls won’t touch him. Amanda finally mauls him a little bit, but her heart’s not in it. He’s like the exact opposite of Josh Murray. Not that Amanda needs another Josh in her life, but does the pendulum have to swing so far in the other direction?

Wells –

The answer is ‘yes’, he is going to do this the entire episode…

Taylor and Derek – Taylor needs to have a very difficult conversation with Derek tonight, and she’s worried he won’t acknowledge and mend what happened. Derek was emotionally reactive, and because he didn’t respect her triggers and boundaries, Taylor felt the need to emotionally separate herself. While she’s open to assisting, she doesn’t feel like she should be the therapist in the relationship just because Derek can’t identify and process his own feelings. Sooooo emotionally intelligent. I have one question though: if you don’t want to be the therapist in the relationship, then why are you constantly acting like one? I’ve been here, and this isn’t about hashing out their differences. This is about leverage. This is about Derek confronting his issues while Taylor confronts nothing. This is about Taylor controlling the dialogue and defining the middle ground. And control it, she does.

Derek: I’m very sorry for what I said.

Taylor: You want to try again?

Derek: Sorry, I meant to say…to EXPRESS…that I’m sorry for…not recognizing your emotional boundaries?

Taylor: Mm-hmm. And what else?

Derek: And I’ll try to, umm, process my own feelings and…be emotionally…emotionally receptive?

Taylor: Go on.

Derek: Okay, I got this. And I’ll, umm…oh yeah! I’ll be conscious of your trigger words! Is that right?

Taylor: Very good. This is the Derek I like..

Derek: Wow, I really feel like I grew…

Taylor: I think you made some real progress today, Derek. And I think this is a good starting point to think about how to improve your emotional processing skills on your own time. I’ve written some more trigger phrases on flash cards; you should familiarize yourself with them before our next session. And yes, Derek, you can continue dating me…for now.

Enjoy yourself, Derek!

Matt & Jasmine & Christen –

They’re actually calling her ‘scallop fingers’. That’s messed up…

Matt couldn’t be caught in a worse situation right now, so he leaves. Wait, what? Why is he leaving? Don’t give a rose to either one of them, hang out in Paradise a few more days and hit the amazing and totally free OPEN BAR. It doesn’t even matter that Wells is a DJ and not a real bartender. Who cares if the only thing he can properly mix is an eclectic yet comfortably familiar collection of 80’s one-hit-wonders that perfectly encapsulates your carefree summer fling (his mix went from Cruel Summer to Take On Me in 14 songs and it was amazing! It was sooo us!). It’s an OPEN. BAR. But what do I know. Bye, Matt; enjoy the real world, where drinks cost money.

So now Jasmine and Christen are fighting over Jack Stone!, which, if you think about it, has to suck for him, right? Like, he knows they could care less about him, they just want a Rose But, that doesn’t stop Jack Stone! from mauling Christen, because she may be a virgin, but there’s a whole lot of stuff besides intercourse that’s still on the table.

Wow. She’s like inhaling his entire face…

But, fear not, ladies! Because Chris Harrison has returned from a quest into the Great White North, and returned with a hero bearing a freshly minted Rose. He might not be the hero we want, but he’s the hero we need.

Who am I kidding, Daniel’s definitely the hero we want, too…

Next episode: wrestlers, scallops, tickle monster, D-Lo vs Kristina, plus Corinne finally tells her side of the story. Though The Producer who filed the complaint is still conspicuously absent. See you tonight, my friends…

 

And now, more of Wells’ puppet show.

C’mon – where’s Jorge?