Tonight, on Bachelor in Paradise: Jack Stone! is really excited to see Tickle Monster.

I’m giving my Rose to him!

And away we go. Canadian Daniel has been back for 20 seconds and I’m already grinning ear-to-ear. I forgot how much I loved this guy – I can’t even repeat all his jokes because this recap would just turn into a complete transcript of the show. Why are even debating Peter vs Dean for Bachelor? Give it to Daniel and I promise you it will be the greatest season in Bachelor History.

Lacey loves her some Daniel, too, and pulls him aside to tell him as much. She’s been waiting for him to show up, she’d love a date, and everyone else is paired off, so why not? Daniel: “So, I get left with the scraps? It’s like 2am at the club, the girls all have 5 o’clock shadows. I’m supposed to bite into the table scraps. So how about this weather?”

The weather’s nice, I guess…but can you stop calling ‘table scraps’?

Rose Ceremony

Does it rain for every Rose Ceremony? Jasmine, Christine, and Lacey are all on the verge of tears. You know who also doesn’t have a man and isn’t crying about it? Alexis. Just sayin’. Let’s hand out some roses.

Daniel – Lacey. I thought they’d save him for last, interesting.

Jack Stone! – Christen. Chris Harrison says his name perfectly, btw.

Jasmine is a wet hot mess after Jack Stone!’s pick, but wait! Who is that knight in shining armor on yonder hill?

Matt: I didn’t want to let my Rose go to waste. Can I give it to someone before I leave?

Chris Harrison: Too late. We already brought in the Canadian Eagle.

Kidding. Matt gives his Rose to Jasmine, and everyone is swooning over this final romantic gesture before he returns to Real Life. Everyone, that is, except Jasmine.

Don’t text, don’t call, don’t do anything. You’re dead to me.

Wow – hell hath no fury, etc, etc. A classy move, Matt, even if it went unappreciated. Let’s continue.

Derek – Taylor. And boy does he look excited for his next therapy session!

Robby – Amanda. Amanda looks like she wants to go home yesterday.

Adam – Raven.

Dean – Kristina. Also: “Kristina is the right option, but D-Lo is the more exciting option.” Oh, Kristina’s gonna LOVE hearing that when this show airs.

Ben Z – throws in the wild card and picks Danielle L. Response? “Wouldn’t have said yes to anyone else.”

Damn. That was cold-blooded…

Bye, Sarah and Alexis, and I am legitimately sad to see them go. Kristina is super-excited that Dean chose her over Danielle. So excited in fact, that she challenges Dean to get a boner on his own just by thinking about it and he closes his eyes and says, “Give me 20 seconds” and holy cow he really is Dave Franco from Neighbors.

I think Kristina would be less thrilled if she realized Dean was thinking about D-Lo…

Daniel & Lacey & Some Masks

It’s a new day, and a local band of rogue luchadores stage a pre-dawn raid on Playa Escondida. Everyone looks around with shocked expressions, except for Domonique, who breaks the fourth wall and looks straight into the camera.

I know The Producers are pulling some kind of bullshit and I’m not falling for it. I’m going back to sleep…

Daniel gets a date card to go wrestling, and Lacey is fired up for a super fun and goofy date. Daniel says he’ll get back to her in a couple hours, and I can’t stop laughing. And look, I recognize I’m being a complete hypocrite right now, because Daniel is being kind of a dick and I’ve always been critical of guys that act like dicks in the past. But he’s just so funny about it. If a guy is a dick, can a sense of humor balance the other side of the ledger? And how funny does a guy have to be offset his bad behavior? Because Daniel is a freaking riot. My god, I’m thinking about an entire season of this guy choosing from 30 women and it’s making my brain explode.

In the end, Lacey it is. And they’re signed up for a mixed-doubles tag team wrestling match, and there’s a Jorge sighting!

I’m so glad I’m not making drinks for those alcoholics any more. They’d start drinking at 9am, pass out at 3 in the morning. It was nuts. Last season I had carpal tunnel by week 2…

Fun is had by all, and Lacey and Daniel are a good couple. And I still hope it blows up because that’s how badly I want Daniel to be the Bachelor.

Dean & Kristina, Interlude

Cock-box in effect. The man has the focus of a Tibetan monk.

Paradise is About to Get a Little Ticklish

Hello, Tickle Monster, looking creepy AF.

Heeeheheeeheheh…close your eyes…heeheheeee…let me tickle you…

Jonathon is a doctor? He’s also apparently good-looking in person and a nice guy when you get to know him. Alright, I can change; I’ll give Tickle Monster the benefit of the doubt. As will Christen, who starts inhaling Jonathon’s lips within 30 seconds of sitting down with him. And looking fairly atingle about it, too:

Wow. Tickle Monster is an animal…

So they go out to lunch, and Christen is digging Doctor Tickles. He’s a family practice surfer Clark Kent doctor guy, and she is all in. They take turns throwing scallops into each other’s mouths and then maul each other’s faces for a while. Not making that up. Also, Wells does some of this:

Ha, that’s funny, Wells. Now go make me a mojito…wait -why does he get monogrammed shirts?

More Daniel

“Last time I had a date was when Caitlyn Jenner was a man.”

“I don’t want to put all my chickens into one egg and have it hatch into a dinosaur.”

“I’m the result of a Mexican wrestler having intercourse with a Teletubby. Mi Nombre es Daniel Peligroso.”

Now, imagine an entire season of this.

Dean & Kristina

Kristina: “Dean is giving me mixed messages.” You think?

Look, I know Dean can produce a boner on demand, but why are you waiting around for this guy to make up his mind? No dust will settle on you…

Here’s the only two quotes you need to hear from Dean tonight:

1 – “Kristina is smart and interesting and deep, but Danielle is so damn hot.”

2 – “I know if I pass on Kristina, Danielle will never be as into me as Kristina is, and that sucks.”

So to summarize: 1) he just wants to hook up with the hottest girl in the room and 2) the most important thing is how much a girl likes him. Close your eyes so you can ignore his looks for one second, and just listen to the words that he says. You’ll realize he’s a self-centered, arrogant dickweed and that Kristina is way too good for him. Thankfully, she’s starting to wake up. Assisted, of course, by some flagrant, in your face flirtation with D-Lo.

Isn’t it supposed to be one girl on each guy’s shoulders? And how tiny is Dean that Adam can carry him around on his shoulders like a child? Like, I carry my 3 year old like that all the time. Which is an unfair comparison, because my 3 year old has more empathy than Dean…

Yeah. And flirting with Danielle seems in particularly bad taste when you consider that Dean probably hooked up with Kristina last night, as was heavily implied.

I think we catch your meaning, Kristina…

As Kristina puts it, “Right now, I think the orphanage was better than Paradise.” Ouch.

And Now, A Special Studio Edition of Bachelor in Paradise

And Chris Harrison brought some friends along!

Wells is a constant part of my life now, isn’t he…

– Robby dated Sarah and it didn’t end well? How did this not come out earlier?

– Hey Amanda, what do you think about Corinne? “I had dinner with her last week!”

– And Alexis, what do think? “We’ll find out tonight.” Okay…

Jasmine & Matt

– After watching this, I think that Jasmine really, truly liked Matt.

– Matt shows up wearing his retro Miami Vice best.

No socks and everything. Watch out – Sonny Crockett in the studio…

– “When you make it out of the craziness, don’t drive back in.”

Corinne Speaks

Corinne admits she drank a lot. She admits she was on new medication that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol, a medication that impairs your judgment. She says that it makes you “look like you’re present and aware and awake when you’re not” and that she completely blacked out the entire day. She doesn’t blame Demario for a thing, and I immediately think this is all a set up for a law suit against the drug manufacturer. And then Corinne says something that strikes a chord: “The media wants to paint you a certain way and suddenly they’re all experts on your life and act like they were there when they weren’t.” And that’s a very fair point. So I won’t pass judgment and I’ll take Corinne at her word.

However, this segment once again brings up my question from last week. If whatever drug this was makes you “appear present and aware and awake”, then what exactly did the member of the production staff see that compelled them to file a complaint? DeMario didn’t think anything was wrong and Corinne admits she appeared lucid and doesn’t blame DeMario, so what was the producer’s reasoning and why are they silent? Because it seems to me that a lot of reputations have been damaged – Demario’s, Corinne’s, the franchise itself – because of the actions of this “third party”, and whoever they are, they’re getting a free pass while everyone else fights to clear their name.

Coming Attractions

Kristina vs Raven, Christin vs scallops, bisexuals, twins, tears all around, and Dean hates himself right now. We have two more weeks of Paradise, my friends. Looking forward to the shenanigans…

 

And now, let’s watch Daniel sexualize Christen’s affinity for shellfish.