Blake is trolling! Diggy’s eyes are rolling! Dean is stringing! And Amanda and Robby are flinging! Tonight! Onnnn Bachelor in Paradise!

Almost Paradise!

Kristina and Dean have hit the floor.

He didn’t treat her nice!

And she’s not taking his shit anymore.

Wonder if D-Lo knows Dean and Kris – ummm – cleared his pipes?

Bet she’d be thinking twice….

We rejoin our amantes del paraiso the morning after the Great Betrayal of Kristina, and Robby gives Dean the heads-up that Kristina saw everything that happened. Dean, shocked at hearing the news, says, “That’s terrible! Was she upset? Did she cry? I feel like such a dick! Kristina is such an amazing girl, and I never should have hurt her feelings that way. I need to own up to this and apologize, like right away.” No, wait – that’s not at all what he says:

Nice, Dean. Right now, Peter is popping a bottle of champagne because he’s got the Bachelor in the bag. There’s no way anyone else gets the gig, right? Right??

Dean finally stands up and makes things right with Kristina…sorta…not really.

Dean: So, umm, why didn’t you want to talk to me today?

Kristina: Are you f-ing serious right now? Why do you THINK?

Dean: Is it because we were, uhhh, chicken fighting last night?

Kristina: Chicken fighting? That’s what you call sticking your tongue all over D-Lo’s mouth?

Fuuuuuuuuuuu…..

At this point, I’m not sure if Dean is a dick or just stupid. Robby told him everything. Dean went into this conversation with literally all the information he needed, and he still blows it by trying to play dumb. “I was mauling D-Lo? Whaaat?!” Come on, man; know when to take the blame. Anyways, Kristina is pissed and Dean is mopey. Boo-hoo, Dean.

Wells Gets Time Off?

Jasmine is crazy-obsessed over Dr. Tickles, so she goes to the bar to talk to Wells, purveyor of romantic advice.

Jasmine: Where the hell is Wells?

Bartender: No se, señorita.

Jasmine: But what am I going to do about Dr. Tickles?

Bartender: No se, señorita.

Jasmine: He’s really nice. I just feel like our relationship needs more heat, though.

Bartender: You need Mojito?

Jasmine: [sighs] Yeah, sure, give me a mojito.

Can I get a Date? Anyone?

We’re nearing the end of the season, which means it’s time for The Irrelevants to arrive. And fitting the bill perfectly, heeeere’s Blake!

Diggy wins Paradise…

Blake pulls “the bros from his season to the side to have a man-chat” while the girls take turns explaining how unattractive Blake is and why. “He’s so sweaty. I can’t imagine ever having sex again”, “Girl, there’s no one on earth less turned on than me right now. One of my ovaries froze when he walked in the room.”

Blake makes it very clear that he’s not here to talk about Whaboom, He doesn’t want to be forever tied to Lucas, and he’s not going to talk about fighting with Lucas. Or the time Lucas accused him of eating a banana over his bed. Or why he really, really, really, hates Lucas. Or why Lucas never should have been on the Bachelorette. Or why he resents Lucas for taking away from his own experience. Blake doesn’t want to talk about any of the stuff that he spends his entire time talking about. And the effect on the ladies is predictable. As Kristina puts it, “When I was living in the orphanage, I spent every day wanting to be chosen. This isn’t that.”

But wait! Things are about to get a whole lot more complicated for Blake, in the form of The Third Grade Bad Boy from Rachel’s season.

Fred: Hi, everyone! Hey, Dominique, you think you might want to –

Dom: YES!

And suddenly, Blake is starting to look like a pack of chicken nuggets in a world of filet mignon. Eventually, Blake presses on through the rejection and gets a reluctant “umm sure” out of Christen, which pisses Jack Stone! off, so he nut-taps Robby to work his frustrations out.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed in the 6 years I’ve been watching this show…

Looks like Jack Stone! doesn’t need to worry, because this date is a complete nightmare for Christen. A ride in a speedboat, followed by a zip-line and general frolic in the water. I mean, this date sounds awesome to me, and Fred and Dom are loving it, but Christen looks like a washed up, undead rat from the zombie apocalypse.

I think I’m gonna puke my breakfast scallops all over the boat…

Jack Stone! Mauls Paradise (Or Does Paradise Maul Him?)

Apparently Christen said that Jack Stone! was a terrible kisser, and Jasmine wants to test him out for herself. So, while Christen is puking and losing contacts and going blind on a date with a guy no one else wanted to go out with, Jack Stone! gets to make out with Jasmine. And Raven, and Danielle L, and pretty much anyone else not tied down to a serious relationship by now, which is these four:

Wells might not work days anymore, but the Grotto of Love is going off 24/7…

And hey, it turns out that Jack Stone! is a pretty good kisser after all. So, maybe Christen isn’t the best judge of these sorts of things. Hmmm, wonder why?

Robby & Amanda Do Something

Carnival, piñata, games, dinner, talking, kissy-kissy, fireworks.

Welcome to Mexico, where you can light off enough fireworks to demolish a 4-story building, 10 feet away from people, unfenced and unregulated…

Cocktail Party

And after 3 weeks of not dating a single person, Ben Z pulls the chute!

The chicks here are cool and all, but no one will ever love me the way my dog does…

True, Ben, but you can’t love your dog the same way you can love these ladies. At least not legally…

Diggy plays a round of Digging Deep With Diggy, and Dominique is digging Diggy enough to declare Digging Deep with Dom which diverts into dalliance, and the ‘D’ on my keyboard just broke. What isn’t broke? Diggy’s game:

Fred who?

Christen makes out with Blake, Dr. Tickles, and Jack Stone!, and she thinks they’re all terrible kissers, but Jonathon’s a doctor, so she likes him best.

Dean & D-Lo & Kristina – So this has to come to a head at some point, and it’s Danielle that gets the ball rolling. (“Look, dude, I’m sick of you pin-balling between me and Kristina, and I made out with Jack Stone! today and it was actually pretty good, so you need to quit being a flake or I’m giving my rose to him.”)  Dean finally dumps Kristina and she’s really pissed, maybe because she slept with him and then he dumped her like hot rock. Who knows, just a guess. Raven and Kristina fight, and yes Raven is completely correct that the whole thing is Dean’s fault, but that doesn’t mean you need to tell Kristina that right now. There’s a time and place to tell people what they need to hear. Wells is finally at work, and earns his money with the quote of the night: “Why are you fighting so hard for someone who isn’t fighting for you?” Got to hand it to him, that was pretty a good question. Plus, he did this earlier:

That’s legit funny. Wells has won me over; he should be the next Bachelor. I’d rather watch him for a whole season than Peter, and with Dean crashing and burning, they’re the only two left in contention, right? Right??

Rose Ceremony

Lacey – Daniel. “You betcha”

Taylor – Derek. “We’ve developed a friendship, a romantic connection, and a healthy line of communication….”

Amanda – Robby. I don’t believe anything he says.

Dominique – Diggy. Dreamy.

Jasmine – Dr. Tickles. “Tickle your pickle.” Wow…

Christen – Jack Stone! Huh. Maybe Jack just needed a little practice.

Kristina – Big speech! “I want to be valued, respected, and no Rose for anyone tonight.”

I’m never, ever, EVER going to be Bachelor, am I?

Nope. Dean walks Kristina out, and says he hates himself, but no one cares, least of all Kristina. I say this about a lot of people every year, but it’s never been more true than right now: Kristina is going to be just fine.

Danielle L – Dean. Why does it feel like she just got a consolation prize?

Chris Harrison – “Fred, Blake, that was a short stay in Paradise.” Harsh, Chris.

Everybody cheers! Tomorrow night: Jaimi likes boys and girls and The Twins are back with a double-dose of cray!

 

And now, Daniel wants Blake to bring his wiener to show and tell…

---

 

Week 4.2 – How Are We Dealing With Bisexual Jaimi AND The Twins in Only One Hour?

So, Kristina left Paradise and Dean is devastated:

Yeah, he looks absolutely beside himself…

Welcome, Jaimi!

Dominique is feeling soooo good about her connection with Diggy! There’s no one that could come between them. No one, I tell you!

The Producers have their script down pat, huh?

As we all know by now, Jaimi likes to sample from both sides of the gender aisle, so she talks to some of the boys, and then hits up the ladies, starting with…Christen!

Jaimi may hook up with a girl tonight, but it ain’t gonna be Christen…

And it isn’t. In fact, Jaimi decides to invite Diggy, who says he has something going with Dominique and he needs time to think and maybe talk things over with Dom – wait, no he doesn’t; he doesn’t say any of that.

Later, guys!

And Dominique is pissed, and I’m thinking, “Hey, didn’t you go on a date with Freddy yesterday?” and I know Diggy’s thinking the exact same thing. Methinks Dom is suffering from an acute case of short-term memory loss, and maybe Diggy is a lot less into Jaimi than he is into passing around a little karma and saving face. Just sayin’.

Anyway, Diggy and Jaimi have lunch in Sayulita, and pretty much all they talk about is Jaimi being bisexual, and Diggy is really interested in the conversation, which makes me think there’s another ulterior motive for going on this date:

Diggy: So, uhhhh, you into threesomes?

Jaimi: I said I date guys OR girls. Not both at the same time. God, why does EVERY guy ask this question?

Double the Action, Double the Drama

There’s a huge weight off Dean’s shoulders now that Kristina is gone (she’ll love seeing that when the show airs), and there’s absolutely nothing that can come between him and D-Lo now.

‘Cept an old-fashioned dose of double trouble!

The Twins are back (‘cos, ya know, how many paid club appearances can you make in Vegas?) and Emily has Dean in her sights. “Dean is soft and cuddly and fun and scallops are vegetables like sprouts, and we don’t look anything alike: different noses and ears and vaginas and who’s is the best?”

Hers, by far, but mine is really cute, too!

Man I missed the twins. Shouldn’t they both be dating Canadian Daniel? New plan: Daniel is no longer the Bachelor, but he gets a spin-off show where he and The Twins travel to small towns across the country, working on farms and judging pumpkin contests and acting in school plays and pulling Punxsutawny Phil out of his cave on Groundhog Day and shit like that. Ratings gold.

Anyways, Emily puts the full court press on Dean and he doesn’t say ‘no’ right away. I’m actually stunned that he continues to make himself look this bad. He hems and haws, and mumbles and blushes, and says he wants to but he’s “been through the emotional ringer over the past 24 hours.” REALLY?? How do you think Kristina feels right now, dickhead?

Man, I want to tag this girl so hard, but I’ll never be allowed on TV again if I dump D-Lo now…I played this whole thing completely wrong, didn’t I?

Yes, Dean, you did. So, Emily settles for Dr. Tickles and Haley invites Jack Stone!, and although they’re not particularly excited about their choices, The Twins are at least up for a good time. Until Jack Stone!’s conscience makes an unsolicited appearance in Paradise and he pulls out due to some sense of obligation to Christen (who, to be honest, doesn’t seem as into him as he is into her). Now, The Twins are stuck on a 2-on-1 with the Tickle Monster, and they basically say “fuck this” and leave 2 hours after arriving, which breaks the record for Shortest Stay In Paradise previously held by Chris Bukowski right before he went to rehab. And I guess that’s how you deal with both The Twins and Bisexual in Jaimi in one hour.

Taylor and Derek

Taylor: I’m concerned about how much I care about you.

Derek: I acknowledge your concerns. I see glimmers of what we can be, and I’m falling in love with you.

Taylor: I want to lean into that with you.

Me: [hurling the remote at my TV with as much force as I can muster]

Dean and D-Lo

Dean: Can you say something in Russian while we make out?

D-Lo: Why?

Dean: No reason…

Robby and Amanda

Who cares?

Adam and Raven

I think they’re going to work out fine. Until the flight home, and then, you know – “I’ll text you…”, “Yeah, that’d be great…”

Chris Harrison pulls everyone into the Rose Palapa and drops the bombshell of all bombshells: get your drink on while you can, because this is your last day in Paradise. And there’s only one episode left? Wow, that seems like a short season. They clearly did not have enough good footage. Whatever – we have the Finale and then it’s just the waiting game until Peter is announced as the next Bachelor. I kinda hope Wells has an outside shot, I think he’d be more fun to watch, but realistically Peter’s the most popular choice. I mean, it’s not like The producers are gonna pick some random from like 5 years ago that was on, I don’t know, Emily Maynard’s season or something. Like what’s-his-butt, the race car driver she sent home in the finale. Remember that guy? His face was so shiny that it looked like Josh Murray had been slapping him across the face with a pizza? And when he kissed Emily, his tongue would come out of his mouth like a moray eel launching out of its cave. Seriously, his tongue would touch her face 5 seconds before his lips – it made my skin crawl. By the end of the season, I had developed a Pavlovian response where I’d throw up in mouth a little bit every time they leaned towards each other. Wouldn’t it be insane if The producers picked a guy like that?

Wait – What was that you said? You’re fucking kidding me.

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?!