The time is once again upon us, my friends! One man and 29 women travel to exotic locations, sharing roses, tears, and a little too much alcohol along the way, all the while searching for that ever elusive thing that everyday people like you and I find through dinner and a movie (or a drunken hookup at a wedding. Or swiping right). That’s right! Our latest journey to find love starts right now! Let’s meet your new Bachelor, America!

Actually, I’m hooking up with the Modern Family girl, so thanks but no thanks…

That’s right. Wells is cute and adorable and mixes a mean mojito, but alas he is in Sarah Hyland’s orbit and currently unavailable. So, meet your new Bachelor!

Wait, what’s this text all about? Peter left last night? That means I’m the only one left and Rachel HAS to pick me. I’m not gonna be Bachelor, am I?

Nope. I hope you guys are happy and all pal, because your Bachelor Ship sailed right out the door when Peter left. Anyway, let’s meet your new Bachelor!

I was thinking about doing it but the process feels too unnatural and rushed and I was worried about having the time to really fall in love and then I got inside my own head and couldn’t decide and The Producers ran out of patience so I’m gonna go work out instead…

Yup. Peter spent so much time “questioning the process” that The Producers told him to take a hike. There’s a fine line between playing hard-to-get and just being difficult, Peter. So with him out of the running, let’s all say hello to the new Bachelor!

Duuuuude, I fucked this up so bad. I’m never, ever, EVER going to be Bachelor…

For once, Dean you are correct. You will never be Bachelor. Kristina was the closest thing this franchise had to America’s Sweetheart. She was an orphan, ferchrissake. EVERYONE loved Kristina. And you toyed with her like she didn’t even matter. Dean got booed at the BinP finale. No one gets booed. So, finally, let’s meet your new Bachelor!

LOL. A virtually impossible sequence of events caused The Producers to resort to the backup of the backup of the backup of the backup. This is something that literally could only happen in 2018…

That’s right, the Man with the Uncontainable Tongue is back. We are deep into the depth chart, my friends. Two things 1) look at that picture of Peter and then look at Arie, and tell me the girls weren’t just a little bit disappointed when they found out. Seriously, I’d almost sleep with Peter. 2) I bet you a gazillion dollars Robby is bitching to anyone that will listen that he’d be a better Bachelor, and that actually makes me happy about the Arie pick, because Robby is a douche and I would quit the franchise if he was center stage.

I’m so much better looking than all of these guys. Do you see my hair? You think that just happens by itself? Every strand is literally perfect. Do you think Arie’s willing to put that kind of time in?

Speaking of the Dean/Robby/BinP finale – I know I flaked on the recap, but man, did I have enough of that season. Even the return of Canadian Daniel was a disappointment. Summarizing:

1) After stringing both girls along the entire time, Dean finally decides on D-Lo, then dumps her in the finale to run after Kristina. He bares his soul to Kristina in the studio, until Danielle points out they were hooking up after production had ended. DICK.

2) Robby and Amanda dated after the show, then Robby cheated on her in Colorado, and denied it despite photographic evidence. DICK.

3) Daniel unleashes the pillow talk on Lacey while they’re naked in the Fantasy Suite, then says later that he was basically lying. Goes to New York to visit Lacey for six days, and spends all of ONE HOUR with her. The rest of time? Partying with Vinny. DICK.

Sure, Derek proposed, and Ben Z didn’t do anything wrong:

The only thing I’m guilty of is loving you too much….

But we had to wade through a ton of crap for one happy moment. It was 5 weeks that felt like a year and a half. Though, this made me laugh. Like, a lot.

Here’s a kiss from mother nature for ya, Christina…

But that was then and this is now. Now is the time for sloppy kisses and gentle caressing of faces. Now is the time for stacks of terrible race car puns. Now is the time for Chris Harrison to ask “Are you ready?” & “How are you feeling?” & “Sorry ladies, but if your name wasn’t called, pack your shit.” It’s Arie time, and maybe I hammered him a little at first, but I’m ready to give him a chance. Even mildly excited about it. So let’s get this show on the road.

“This is the most important race I’ve ever run.”

 

Sigh. Literally the first words out of his mouth. These jokes are coming at us all season long, aren’t they? Like, when Arie proposes, he’s gonna say “I want you to be my co-driver in the race of life” or some shit. You know it’s coming. They replay his Journey to Find Love, and I forgot that Arie followed Emily to Charlotte after he got dumped. Gave her his journal and went all stalker on her. Good thing a lot of these girls were in high school when that happened, or else they might be nervous going on the show. Yeah, that’s right – the contestants are a little on the young side this year, especially considering that Arie is 36. Now, I’m not one to call the kettle black and all, I’ve dated younger women. But when I was pushing 40, fresh out of college was not in my line of sight. Moving on, let’s get some friendly advice from Bachelors past!

I was Bachelor 5 years ago, and I just can’t quit this franchise. Honestly, they could bring me back to sanitize the hot tub every night and I’d do it. Do you…you know…want me to do that?

Sean and Catherine are putting on a brave face, but I promise you that baby is grinding them down. I think I saw Catherine’s eyes blinking in Morse code, “I haven’t slept in 2 years. Don’t ever have kids. Smuggle me to Cabo, Chris Harrison, so I can drink half a margarita and pass out for 36 hours straight. I’m begging you.”

Hello, Ladies!

This season, I’m combining my Questionnaire Preview with the limo arrivals – seems like a natural combination. Plus, the premier snuck up on me and I forgot to write my preview. Off to an auspicious start so far…

A few statistics: 29 women, average age = 27, average tattoos = 0.8. Not a lot of tattoos this year, but the ones that are there, it seems that hands and fingers have become this generation’s lower back. A pretty diverse mix, and roughly even between blondes and brunettes, though Arie seems to light up like a christmas tree (obscure racing joke! I’m joining the fun!) whenever a blonde steps out of the limo, so he definitely seems to have a type. Let’s say ‘hi!’

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist from Lawton OK, no tattoos – According to Ali, being married means “commitment and being your whole, true, imperfect self with someone.” Yeah, maybe for a short marriage. I’ve been with Lovely Better Half for 6 years, and I still try to keep my annoying shit in check. That’s kind of the point, right? You like someone enough to be better? What do I know, maybe it’s a guy thing. Anyway, giving us a glimpse into her ‘imperfect self’, Ali asks Arie to smell her armpit, then says, “That’s the best pit stop of your life.” And the puns are off to a roaring start. (Is that a racing pun? I’m doing it too, aren’t I?)

Is it weird that I’m actually not grossed out by this? Maybe that’s the ‘imperfect’ part of me that needs to stay under wraps…

Amber, 29, Business Owner from Denver CO, no tattoos –  Business owner – marijuana dispensary? Nope, spray tan company. So less giggling and gorging on junk food, but Amber does get to see a lot of dicks, as she happily tells Arie in the first 5 seconds. File that under “Things I Don’t Hear a Lot on First Dates.”

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer from San Mateo CA, 1 tattoo – Nothing interesting from her questionnaire, but she wears a mask, calls herself the Kissing Bandit, and she’s from the Bay Area, so I’ll root for her. Lovely Better Half thinks she should keep switching masks when she sits down with Arie. Like, say “Don’t look!” and put on a Groucho Mask while Arie has his eyes closed. Then show up in a Ninja Turtle mask. Keep changing it throughout the night.

Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent from West Palm Beach FL, no tattoos – hates doing laundry. Gives Arie a checkered flag. “Will we make it to the finish line?” Ding-ding-ding! Racing joke!

Becca K, 27, Publicist from Prior Lake MN, 3 tattoos – One of her favorite movies was Sister Act 2 (much like Godfather, the sequel was better than the original), and she can’t live without stamps, because let’s be honest, life ceases to have meaning if you can’t mail shit. This move, however, got a nod of respect from Lovely Better Half:

Make proposing feel familiar…nice behavior modification. Taylor the Emotionally Intelligent Psychiatrist would be proud.

Bekah M, Age Unknown, Nanny from Fresno CA, 2 tattoos – The youngest lady in this group is 23, so exactly how young do you have to be to get your age scrubbed from the scouting report? Is she even old enough to drink? But hey, Bekah shows up in a ’65 Mustang, she has some deep conversations with Arie, and she’s cute and fun and seemingly down to earth. And I want to say that I’m rooting for her, but I’m just not sure that it’s legal for me to say it, and I don’t want to feel like an Alabama senate candidate when we eventually find out how (not) old she really is. “I may be young, but I can appreciate something classic.” Good line.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant from Miami FL, 2 tattoos – A former cheerleader who wants to be an orca and who’s guilty pleasure is popping pimples. At this point, it’s like I’m reading Teen Vogue, and I’m starting to feel a little creepy. “Hi, Arie. You get my heart racing.” Get it? Because he’s a race car driver. GET IT?

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter from Grants Pass OR, no tattoos…yet! – Wants to do a round of shots with Obama, her grandma, and Audrey Hepburn. Eclectic group, but I can get behind that.

Brittane J, 27, Marketing Manager from San Diego CA, 2 tattoos – Brittane wants to have lunch with Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, and Beyonce, which is officially the Dinner Party Most Likely to be an SNL Skit. On her worst date, the guy split the check and then invited her back to his place. Hey bro – you’re not getting very far with that approach. Of course, sticking a bumper sticker on someone’s ass isn’t that smooth either, and it didn’t stop Brittane, so…

Brittany T, 30, Tech Recruiter from Columbia SC, no tattoos – Tech Recruiter? Maybe she can find Nick Viall a job now that DWTS is done, he’s blown his 4th and final shot at the Bachelor, and thepolishedgent.com redirects to some dude selling discount mattress coupons. “So, Mr. Viall, I see your last position was as a software sales rep in 2014. What have you been doing for the past 4 years?” “Uhhh, it’s kind of complicated. Have you heard of Andi Dorfman?” Brittany’s most embarrassing song is “Everything is Awesome” from Lego Movie. Why is that embarrassing? Everything IS awesome, and everything IS cool when you’re part of a team. I loved Lego Movie.

Caroline, 26, Realtor from Holliston MA, no tattoos – Caroline wants a dog, but she’s waiting for someone to co-parent with, ie “someone to feed the dog and clean up after it and take it for a walk when it’s raining or snowing or even when it’s sunny because I don’t actually want a dog I just think they’re cute and I loved Best in Show, oh can we get a Pomeranian, thanks honey!” To her, marriage means “waking up next to your best friend”, and then telling him the dog needs to pee. Presumably. She also thinks she’ll have  a lot in common with Arie because she “grew up around cars.” As opposed to who? The Amish?

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec Assistant from Portland ME, 2 tattoos (wavy lines on her palms? That’s cool…I guess…) – Oh boy, we have a live one here, folks. Chelsea’s most romantic city is France. Uh-huh, and I bet her travel goal is to visit all 7 continents – England, New York, Cuba, Epcot Center, the Kentucky Derby, the Grand Canyon, and Narnia. Chelsea is a single mom, and I’m gonna call her out right now: that pb&j she’s making in the intro is NOT nut free. That’s a no-go in Marin County, sister, and that’ll get you a phone call from the principal.

(About this time, one of the contestants says, “There’s a lot of girls here tonight.” Yeah, genius. That’s kind of how the show works.)

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator from Morgantown WV, 1 tattoo – Wants to have lunch with “Julius Caesar (with translator)”, because you might be able to reanimate Caesar 2,000 years after his death, but there’s no way you could bring him back speaking English.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager from Upland IN, no tattoos – Broke her wrist on a mechanical bull. I got nothing else.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer from Northbrook IL, 1 tattoo – Her biggest fear is picking the wrong person to marry. That’s the best part of going on The Bachelor: they pick the wrong person for you! Enjoy your journey of love, Jenny!

Jessica, 26, Television Host from Calgary, no tattoos – Jessica plays pretty much every sport, her favorite food is kissing, and every year her family builds homes for homeless families in Mexico. Plus, she’s cute. I kinda have zero problems with Jessica.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director from Santa Clarita CA, no tattoos – Another live one. Kendall’s interests include collecting dead animals and serenading her stuffed otter with a ukulele. Her spirit animal is a bat, because she sleeps upside down over a giant pile of guano. No, sorry, it’s because she “sees the beauty in dark things.” My bad. Kendall also drove a car off a ramp through the caboose of a moving train (Fuck yeah!) and she wants to be James T Kirk from Star Trek. Maybe I’m getting a little weird in my old age, but I kinda have zero problems with Kendall, too. She sounds like the kind of girl where you go to Vegas and it ends up like a scene from The Hangover.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach from Missoula MT, no tattoos – Video fitness coach, currently in San Diego. She’s got crazy eyes and a homeless brother. I can’t tell if she’s really sweet or totally batshit nuts.

Lauren B, 25, Tech Salesperson from Virginia Beach VA, no tattoos – Whoa, she’s a second degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Don’t mess with Lauren B. Or any of the Lauren’s for that matter, because they rolled up on Bachelor Mansion in a pack and took over the party with shock and awe. One minute there were no Laurens, and the next there were literally Laurens everywhere you looked. It was like a Laurinvasion.

Lauren G, 26, Executive Recruiter from Indianapolis IN, 4 tattoos – More finger tattoos and a star behind her ear. we’re running out of body parts at this point.

Lauren J, 33, Recent Masters Graduate from New Roads LA, no tattoos – Whoa, getting a little old for Arie, no? Loves putting on a full body towel and eating pizza in bed, no plates, no silverware, nothing. Just immersing herself in sloth, and after picturing it, I honestly don’t think anything else is happening in that bed.

(Quote from another contestant: “These are some of these hottest, smartest girls I’ve ever seen.” Right. We have a cheerleader, a Sister Act 2 fanatic, someone who thinks France is a city, and a girl that covers herself in a towel to eat pizza. It’s like a Ted Talk.)

Lauren S, 31, Social Media Manager from Dallas TX, no tattoos – The last of our Laurens wants to be an otter. Just not Kendall’s otter, because she’d kill you and stuff you and sing songs to you all day. Wants to be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.” Why not Taylor Swift herself? I mean, it’s all hypothetical, right? Aim higher.

Maquel, 23, Photographer from American Fork UT, no tattoos – Maquel’s most romantic city is Paris, so unlike Chelsea, she knows the difference between a city and a country. Her ideal mate looks like Ryan Gosling – sorry, Maquel, Kaitlyn already took your man. She enjoyed Arie’s season. She was in high school at the time, so it’s a little Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes-ish, but she shows up in a race car and she’s got hair and legs for days, so Arie’s keeping this one around for a while.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner from Salt Lake City UT, no tattoos – “Co-owns” a restaurant with her mom, but I don’t get the vibe that Marikh spends a lot of time there. Like, she showed up with the Bachelor production crew and the hostess had to show her where the kitchen was.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse from Belton SC, 2 tattoos – Nysha only meets guys through online dating apps, which is why she’s still single. Or maybe it’s because she says shit like “The more blood the better.”

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate from Genesea IL, 1 tattoo – 50 Shades of Grey is her favorite book of all time. Out of every single book, ever written in the recorded history of mankind, 50 Shades. Sometimes I literally weep for this generation.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager from Long Beach CA, no tattoos – Pretty name, pretty girl, I got nothing.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapist from Weiner AR, 4 tattoos – Tia’s best vacation ever was at a swingers resort in Cancun. Sweet! So, we’re dispensing with the formalities and sending Tia directly to Paradise, right? She gives Arie a little wiener when she meets him, and it’s kinda funny, but then I try to remember the last time a girl said “I hope you don’t have a small dick” within 10 seconds of meeting her, and oh-that’s-right it was never, so it kinda shows how weird things on TV would be if they happened in real life. Tia’s also friends with Raven, which proves that it’s basically impossible to get on this show unless you know someone.

Rice festival? They grow rice in Arkansas? I actually looked it up, and Arkansas rice is a $2 billion business and the state’s top export. It produces half of the United States rice supply. The more you read…

Valerie, 25, Server from Nashville TN, no tattoos – Valerie has over 50 Halloween costumes in her closet. She’s 25 years old. Something’s not adding up.

Cocktails for All My Friends…Except for Bekah M, Who Can’t Legally Drink

On to the longest night of everyone’s lives. Arie makes the obligatory ‘Welcome to Eight Weeks of Emotional Torment’ speech. At first, it bothers me that he keeps calling them “girls” instead of “ladies”, but then I glance around the room and yeah, “girls” is probably an age appropriate term. Chelsea, eager to prove that she’s here to find love, not friends, pulls Arie aside before he can finish his last sentence, and the green flag drops in the Race for the Bachelor 2018! Backbiting ensues. Highlights:

Chelsea makes sure Arie knows that she’s ‘mysterious’, which makes her pretty much the most transparent person on the show. It’s like people that say they have a great sense of humor. Don’t tell me you’re funny, tell me a joke and I’ll figure it out on my own. You want to be mysterious, Chelsea? Stop talking.

Maquel steals Arie away to take a selfie and make funny faces. Like, #lol #love #instagood #couplegoals #like4like #nofilter #followback #iphoneonly #mood #somuchfun! You’d never guess she was only 23.

Look at the size of her tongue. Seriously, it’s almost touching her phone. And Arie doesn’t look silly, he looks 6 bong hits down and counting the seconds until 4:20pm on April 20th…

Brittany T challenges Arie to a race in toy cars, with the promise of a kiss if she wins.

Arie: I want some sloppy tongue action, but I also want to win the race. Oh, the quandary…

Arie loses and gives Brittany literally the quickest, most platonic kiss I’ve ever seen, and she is over the moon. “It was ah-MAAAYYY-zing! His lips were like clouds, like pillows!” And you’re playing it up a BIT too much for night one, Brittany. Pace yourself, it’s a long season.

Laura G tells Arie that ‘pineapple’ is her safe word. I’m a fan of Laura G.

Jenna is FIRED UP to rub some feet, yo.

This is so awesome I could JUST BITE ALL YOUR TOES OFF!!

And while it’s easy to make fun of Jenna, Vincent Vega was right: a foot massage is a sensuous thing, and Jenna knows exactly what she’s doing.

Annaliese finally takes her mask off, and sadly doesn’t put on Groucho glasses. I think it’s a missed opportunity, but she gets a hug out of it.

What’s Arie looking at? Did he bring his Kindle to the cocktail party? ‘Can you just hug me a little longer? I only have 2 minutes left in this chapter.’

Bekah M sits down with Arie and I expect her to talk about her trig homework, but no! She gets all philosophical and asks about what makes him excited about life. Maybe she did only get her learner’s permit 2 years ago, but Bekah’s an old soul. I’m kind of rooting for Bekah.

Jessica the TV Host tells Arie that her dad met him before he passed away, and he thought Arie was great, so if they got married, Arie would already have her father’s permission. And Arie is like, “Wait, I met who? Who’s getting married to who now?”

Chelsea, Part 2 – It’s getting late and Chelsea is worried that Arie might forget how truly mysterious she is. Several girls have yet to talk to him, and they make it very clear that the only thing that would piss them off is if girls started going twice. Chelsea takes their concerns under consideration…

See ya, bitches…

…and then mauls Arie’s face.

There’s a lot of face caressing here. Arie’s digging on Chelsea…

Chelsea is pleased to discover that Arie is the same charming man he was 53 minutes ago, and that this process hasn’t changed him yet. Arie’s stoked to learn that Chelsea isn’t really that mysterious at all, and that he can pretty much make out with her anytime he wants. And that alone is enough to earn her the coveted First Impression Rose. Guys are so predictable. But, before anyone has a chance to be outraged:

[ding-ding-ding] Saddle up, ladies. It 6am and craft services just ran out of chicken wraps. We’re shutting it down for the night.

Rose Ceremony

The first Rose Ceremony of the season, and it kind of feels like coming home. And for 8 of our hopeful contestants, that’s exactly where they’re going. You’re up, Arie.

Head Upstairs and Find a Bed

Chelsea has First Impression Rose

Becca K

Marikh – owns an Indian restaurant. Has never cooked in her life.

Kendall – Dead animals and a ukelele. Will travel.

Lauren G – Pineapple!

Krystal – I haven’t seen crazy eyes like this since Clare Crawley.

Bekah M – I’m positive she’s breaking curfew.

Lauren S – no clue. Reminds me of Kelly Ripa.

Sienne

Caroline

Brittany T – mini race car platonic kiss girl

Bibiana

Annaliese – mask off, party on

Jenna – Foot massages. I’m telling ya, they work.

Valerie – Only red head in the bunch. Not sure if she speaks yet.

Jacqueline

Jenny

Lauren B – we’re keeping 3 Laurens? Really?

Ashley

Tia – I guess the little wiener line worked.

Maquel – “Why did you make me wait?” Maybe because you showed up in a race car and waved your hair around like a Whitesnake video. We need to keep you on your toes.

 

Follow the Light

Ali – who?

Amber – Colorado spray tan girl

On second thought, maybe I should keep that “seen a lot of dick” line to myself. Wait – what time is it? The sun’s like at high noon…

Bri – cute, but again, who?

Brittane J – We’re besieged by Laurens and Beccas, but thankfully only one Brittany/e is left.

Jessica – I’m bummed, I kinda liked this girl. She seemed fun, she was cute, and she opened up about her dad passing away. I thought she would do pretty well. Alas, it was not meant to be.

The night was a romantic dream, but with daylight comes the harsh reality that you quit your job for 2 hours of airtime, and there will be no Ticket to Paradise awaiting…

Lauren J – FWIW, I thought she was the prettiest Lauren, but what do I know.

Nysha – she needs to eat a cheeseburger.

Olivia – we hardly knew ye…

And that’s all she wrote for Night One, my friends. And now, some previews from the Most. Dramatic. Season. Ever. But not before Arie sneaks one more zinger in: “I’m in the driver’s seat.” Seriously, all season long…

This season on The Bachelor! Clouds, alleys, paragliding, Leaning Tower of Piza, Tuscany, Paris (that’s a CITY in the COUNTRY of France, Chelsea), mauling, so much mauling, snow, wrestling, Krystal don’t care no more, tears, so many tears, long walks in the desert, Machu Picchu, hot tubs, one jealous ex-boyfriend, and this:

ER doctor: Ok guys, tell me how you both lost all your front teeth.

Arie: So, we’re riding a jet ski, and The Producer says, ‘Hey, I got an idea…’

Hey, I know Arie was a random pick, but this looks like a fun season and I’m fired up. See ya next week, my friends.

 

And now, Sean and Arie hug it out…