Tonight! Arie is happy the girls are here for him! Becca feels like a princess! Annaliese confronts childhood trauma! And Bibiana is about to get medieval on some bitches! A dramatic new Bachelor starts rrrrrrriiight now!

We begin with Arie enjoying Coastal Cruise 2018 Sponsored by Indian Motorcycles ™ while the ladies lavish his pillowy lips and deep green eyes with praise (are they green or blue or hazel? I haven’t actually looked). “I wonder when the first date card will arrive?” ponders one curious contestant. A puff of smoke and a gentle chime fills the room and Chris Harrison materializes out of thin air.

“You rang?” Did you know that if you spin in a circle, click your heels, and say ‘who will get the first date card?’ 3 times, Chris Harrison magically appears? Try it. I did it last night, and Chris and I drank beer and played Mortal Kombat until 3am. You should have seen the look on Lovely Better Half’s face when she came out and told us to go to bed…

Chris Harrison hands over the Date Card and the lucky winner of the very first 1-on-1 date of the season is….

Becca K – Hold on Tight!

Which, if you weren’t paying attention during the opening sequence, is a motorcycle ride.

“This is fun! Hey, Arie, can we stop by the post office? I need to buy some stamps…”

And all the ladies are very jealous. Arie looks sooo hot! I love riding on motorcycles! Chelsea likes “putting herself behind something powerful”, whatever that means. And then there’s Krystal:

“I don’t know, I just think it’s really dangerous. You could get killed or lose a bunch of body parts. I would have to have a serious talk with Arie before I went on this date.”

She sounds fun. Luckily, Becca is on this date, not Krystal, and Becca actually is fun. She’s cute, easy going, a cool girl. However, we’re already 3 minutes in and she’s not putting her mouth all over his face, so the date turns into ‘How Much Stuff Do We Have to Give Becca Before She’ll Maul Arie’. They start with a tour of one of Arie’s real estate listings. But don’t worry, Becca, there’s more to this date than just sipping champagne in a one-owner, 5BR 3.5BA comparably priced mediterranean, in a great family neighborhood with top-rated schools. The Producers really, really want you to like Arie, so you’re getting your own fashion makeover!

LBH: WOW!

Me: Who?

Becca gets to try on dresses to her heart’s content, but she’s still not throwing herself at Arie, so one more surprise! You get to actually keep all of these dresses! Still not working, huh? How about a pair of Louis Vuitton shoes?

They’re alright, I guess, but I still kinda wish Peter was the Bachelor…

Hmm, ok – we didn’t want to have to do this, but what if we threw this into the package?

LBH: Oh, Neil Lane‘s taking that one back after the date…

Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!

And that is officially how much it takes to get Becca to forget about this guy:

After a romantic makeout session, Becca returns to the mansion with her swag, and everyone pretty much loses their shit.

You got all that just for kissing him?

When I go on my date, I’m holding out for a Mercedes…

On to the night portion. Becca arrives for dinner and Arie gives her the necklace again – because there’s no way in hell that was going back to the mansion – and then we talk. Open mind, can’t plan for what you don’t know, be present, etc. Becca talks about losing her dad to cancer and Arie looks supportive while simultaneously reaching for the Rose before this date gets too serious, and he loses the chance to stick his tongue in someone’s mouth. As an added bonus – since he hasn’t given her a gift in nearly 3 hours – Becca gets to keep the earrings! How about a kiss?

What’s he doing to her hair?

And that’s it. You know, if Arie had to give a girl all this crap just to make out with her, what’s it gonna take to get someone into the Fantasy Suite? At this rate, they’re going to be handing out ownership stakes in the Bachelor Franchise by Week 9. I don’t know about the most dramatic season of The Bachelor ever, but it’s definitely going to be the most expensive.

Krystal 1-on-1 – Home Is Where the Heart Is

The rest of the girls aren’t too happy about another 1-on-1 date, and Krystal isn’t making much of an effort to play it down. They’re making faces like this:

Pineapple…

And Krystal’s all:

Heehee OMG like so totally amazing yay giggle totally not gonna rub into your faces but look at my date card! Where’s yours? Oh that’s right…

And they’re thrilled:

We’re so happy for you…

And we’re taking a private plane to Scottsdale. Man, The Producers are selling this guy hard. Off to Arie’s condo, where we look inside his closet and find out Arie owns nothing other than 5 racing helmets and 18 white t-shirts.

He hangs his t-shirts up?

Then they watch videos of Arie as a kid, which is a weird first date.  Like, “you want to grab a drink sometime?”, “Sure, but let’s go back to my place and watch home movies instead.”, “Ok….” Next, a visit to Arie’s parents’ place, and Krystal thinks it’s nice to meet the family and all, but she’s also wondering when shoes and jewelry start raining down from the sky, and Arie tells her, “There will be no material compensation on this date; instead, you can be content in knowing that I thought you were hot enough to show to my dad.” And with that, Krystal leaves Scottsdale with nothing to show for it but this plain white t-shirt.

Nighttime, and off to the Bradbury Building in downtown LA, and my inner nerd perks up because it’s where they filmed the final scene in Blade Runner. I so wish I was on this date.

Me: I’ve seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate; all those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain…

Krystal: What the fuck are you talking about?

Me: That’s, uhhh, that’s from Blade Runner. It’s a movie.

Krystal: LOL. That came out 6 years before I was born. How old ARE you?

Me: Ok, umm… I’ll just go back to my couch now…

My dream is over. On to dinner, and Arie wants to hear about Krystal’s family, and it’s such a prompted question, you just know a tragic story is coming. Sure enough, Krystal’s parents were divorced early, dad wasn’t in the picture, and mom wasn’t the nurturing type. Krystal had to save her birthday money to buy herself a comforter when she was 10. Ouch. Plus, her little brother is homeless and refuses any and all help. Pretty tough, and now I think Krystal is kinda sweet and I feel for her, but at least I know Arie will say all the comforting things I’m thinking right now, because that’s the kind of guy he is.

 

Arie: I have a lot of friends with difficult upbringings, and it doesn’t reflect negatively on you. It’s not your fault.

Krystal: Yeah, I don’t remember saying it was…

Uhh, come again? Seriously, that’s the best this guy can do? A) the son of a 2-time Indy 500 winner who grew up in Scottsdale has exactly zero friends who were or ever will be homeless. B) The whole thing is so obviously not Krystal’s fault, why is he even saying that? The Producers need to either coach this guy better or give Krystal a Bentley, because that response was terrible. But, I guess the promise of further reality tv fame is enough, because Arie gives Krystal a rose and mauling ensues.

Seriously, though; I’m getting a bracelet or something, right? I mean, did you see all that crap Becca brought home?

No bracelet, Krystal; something even better! A private performance by Colin Dowersmith. Or something like that.

Great, but unless this guy magically transforms into a princess cut and starts hanging around my neck, I’m outta here…

Wait a second, is that Jorge playing the piano? Bartender, musician, tour guide, international bon vivant – that dude is a quadruple threat.

Group Date – Let’s Hit Love Head On

Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, and Chelsea. And it’s Demolition Derby time, ladies! Tia’s fired up because I guess this is how people drive in Arkansas all the time; the public highways are just chaos, like Russian dashcam videos cranked up to 10. Bibiana’s fired up because she doesn’t have a license and demolition derbies and golf courses are the only two places she can drive. Girls are decorating their cars:

 

“Thx Emily” – lol, that’s actually pretty funny…

Everyone’s raring to go…except for Annaliese, who had a bad experience on the bumper cars when she was young, leaving her terrified of other cars hitting her (she also hates large crowds and busy parking lots). See, what happened was – and I hope you’re sitting down for this – some of the other bumper cars…bumped into her. Yeah, I know. It makes Krystal’s story about a deadbeat dad and a homeless brother sound like Disneyland. Just to clarify, here’s what Annaliese did:

And here’s the way she remembers it:

And while her memory may not be accurate, it is nevertheless traumatic, so Arie asks her what’s wrong. She tells him, and Arie’s thinking this:

Happy happy….

But Annaliese is describing this:

FURY!

Eventually, The Producers dangle a pair of Manolo Blahniks in Annaliese’s face and she gets in the car. Ladies, Start your engines! Bibiana is a lunatic behind wheel. Brittany hits so many people so hard, she gives herself whiplash. But, it’s Sienne and Tia that are the last two standing, with Sienne winning in the end.

Yayyyy! And don’t tell me I get to keep my car as a prize…

Afterparty: Everyone meets at a house (a 4BR 3BA contemporary, open concept kitchen and great room, excellent light, newer development with easy freeway access, for more information contact the listing agent at ArieJr@CheckeredFlagRE.com), and Brittany really screwed herself up because she went to the hospital. I promise you The Producers were on the phone with their lawyers ALL day long.

We’re all sorry Brittany couldn’t be here because she’s in a coma, but hey, here’s to making more memories. Cheers!

Chelsea pulls Arie aside first and apologizes for being mysterious (you’re not) and tells him she has a 3 year old kid, “and you dated Emily so I know you’d be excited to hear that.”

Uh-huh, and remind me: how did things end with Emily again?

Sienne went to Yale and traveled around the world and is generally brilliant and awesome and way too good for Arie.

Caroline just wants to hang out around the house in her sweatpants, making dinner, and Arie wonders whether he should send her home this week or next week. Let’s let Chris Harrison decide.

Arie just loves Bekah’s energy, and he never went to college and she’s studying for her SATs, so it’s like they’re on the same level.

Thanks, wanna kiss?

And wow, that was one helluva kiss. Arie is DIGGING on Bekah, and I can’t wait until we find out how old she is.

Bibiana has gotten so far inside her own head, she’s in danger of collapsing into a black hole. She completely freaks out and storms out of the room. It’s going to be a long season for Bibiana. Then again, maybe it’ll be really, really short…

Eventually, the Group Date Rose goes to Chelsea. Psych, just kidding! Here you go, Sienne. Haha! Chelsea, usually so mysterious, is having trouble hiding her disappointment.

Cocktail Party

Arie & Bekah – There is some serious chemistry between these two; they can’t keep their hands off each other. “I’m simple, no drama, and easy to please.” Come on with that line. Bekah might be young, but she’s working a grown up game, and she’s playing Arie like a fiddle. Lovely Better Half thinks Bekah’s an actress, and I’m inclined to agree. Also from LBH: “Bekah needs a bra. I don’t care if she is only 16.”

Bibiana – “Being around all these women is stressful.” So, we can add Bibiana to the long list of contestants that didn’t bother to watch the show before they came on. The main focus of Bibiana’s frustration is Krystal, who’s had a strange episode herself. She went from being Crazy Eyes to kinda sweet to now being the button-pushing, stick-poking, troublemaker of the group. Case in point: after an entire night of unraveling, Bibiana finally sits down with Arie and then this:

Hi guys! Just wanted to check in and see how your talk was going. Anybody want something to drink? Hey Bibiana – why don’t you bring Arie and I a glass of wine…

And the expanding balloon of frustration that is Bibiana finally pops. ‘You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, mic drop, BOOM!’ And even though Arie wants no part of this drama, The Producers are all in, and Bibiana will be here for at least another two weeks until the inevitable Bibiana vs Krystal 2-on-1 date in the most Dramatic Episode of the Season. But that’s later; for now, LINE UP!

Rose Ceremony

Becca K, Krystal, and Sienne already have Roses

Totally not annoying. How did she turn into the bad guy so fast?

Arie has extra powder on tonight, he’s not quite as shiny as usual. Continuing Their Journey:

Maquel – racecar-Whitesnake-hair twirling girl from first night. Disappeared in Week 2

Jacqueline – who?

Bekah M – Final Four, assuming she’s legal

Jenna – Foot massage girl. I think she’s cute.

Chelsea – Did Krystal just pass her as #1 Bad Girl? The race is on!

Lauren S – reminds me of Kelly Ripa for some reason

Tia – shootin’, muddin’, hangin’ with Raven in Little Weiner

Annaliese – The Bachelor Season 22: Fury Road

Lauren B – yeah, I don’t know her

Kendall – dead animal girl. I like her.

Brittany – “Wait – Becca got 8 dresses, earrings, and a pair of shoes, and I got whiplash? Really…”

Ashley – [me, staring blankly, desperately trying to think of something to say]

Marikh – “restaurant owner”

Caroline – sweatpants and mac and cheese – that’s baby-making talk right there!

“Ladies, Final Rose”

Bibiana – because you just can’t let crazy walk out the door, once again illustrating the difference between Reality and Reality TV.

 

And for you three, the Road Less Traveled

Lauren G – Pineapple? At least we’re down to 2 Laurens

Valerie – You can be a brunette or you can be a blonde, but no redheads this year. That, or you have to talk when a camera’s around. At least once. Yeah, maybe that was the problem.

Jenny –

LOL, that was amazing. Arie follows her to get an awkward hug before she goes, but she doesn’t even care about him. She’s pissed she got dumped by a 36 year old ex-racecar driver when all she wanted to do was meet Peter and rub all up and down his 8-pack abs.

And that’s it. Next week: wrestling, more private planes, Bibiana is broken, and the tears, OH the tears. See you then, my friends.

 

And now, Kendall parades her Macabre Menagerie of the Dead for Arie.

Otter? I thought you were gonna show me your beaver…